blue moon (2)

Friday, March 07, 2008

Cheapness ©

Friday has come again and I am almost done painting.
The rooms are painted and all that is left are the doors and hopefully that will be done by tomorrow.
I would have done it today but I will be sanding and staining the floor in the one room and where this computer is because the chairs has worn down the finish.
I must admit the place is looking good and I have one hell of a fucken clean up job to do when everything is put back but I have basically done my Spring cleaning because I have moved and cleaned behind all the furniture.
Someone spilled paint on the carpet and didn’t clean it up and I have to find a way to clean it or live with white paint on a red carpet.

I was sitting here the other day dead beat on the couch reading the paper when an article caught my eye.
It was about a guy who got busted for drunk driving and pleaded not guilty in court.
During the trial he presented his defence and the judge after careful consideration to the evidence and the witnesses testimony found him not guilty and let him go.

In my youth I had on occasion, a hundred or two times gotten in trouble with the law, in fact on one day alone I received 31 charges and that was for breakfast.
I had to do some fast thinking and faster talking let me tell you to get out of that one.
The police like to load you up with charges to make you think when they offer you ideal it’s a good one and the drop the BS charges to fuck you with what they really wanted to get you for which in most cases is worse than what you actually did.

That shit never worked with me and I had always accepted what I was doing was illegal and if I got caught I was willing to do the time so off to court I went every time I got busted.
I spent years in court fighting off charges and I came up with some very well planned out, thought out and executed alibis and reasons; I mean I put a fucken effort into trying to thwart the courts, cops and whole legal system.
It was my thing in life at the time.
Out think the man and let me tell you, it’s not easy.
Breaking the law is easy and not getting caught is easy to but the law of averages is against you to and the more you fuck around, you WILL get caught.

When you do get caught there is one of three things you can do, resist which is fun until 10 more cops show up and then it becomes painful.
Confess then throw yourself at the mercy of the courts and hope the judge got some that morning or go head to head with the crown and manipulate your lawyer into doing what you want to happen.
It’s all a chess game but with real people.

I have paid off judges and crown attorneys, that’s different than bribing, they asked for money.
I compromised a judge because of his nephew’s stupidity.
Witnesses have been discouraged, all but one, I didn’t want him touched because he was the only really innocent person in the courtroom that day to testify against me.
He had Down syndrome, the rest were accomplices that sold out.

I have a weird twisted way of thinking.
I believe that if you live by the sword you die by the sword and innocent people should be respected and protected.

I frown on people who turn on their partners when the going gets tough but if all had gone off without a hitch they would have revelled in their riches and maybe demand a bigger cut.
People who go down to the shady side of town looking for some action or drugs fall with in those rules in my book but when they get caught they start crying and quick to tell where they got what they got caught with so they don’t get a criminal record and loose their jobs.
If you are that worried why are you even bothering to take the risk and if you do take the risk you should pay for your end.
The dealer is only there because of the customer.
No customer, no drug dealer.

So over the years I have concocted all sorts of stories.
Half were true, the other half were half-truths or down right fabrications.

“Yeah, I wasn’t drunk when I puked all over the cop, I had the flu”.

“About the thousand dollar note they found on me that was stolen from the museum, I found it on the side of the road while passed out drunk”.
“No, this was another time when I was actually drunk but not this time, I had the flu”.

“It’s not my gun, I am right handed and that’s a left handed gun”.

“ I was home all night watching TV. Yes I have, hold on. This is Flipper my gold fish ask him he will tell you ”.

“ No your honor, I didn’t know she was your wife”.

This guy walked up to the judge and said he was not guilty because he was cheap and he beat the fucken DUI charge.
I had one fucken beer once after work and I got busted for being over.
I tested positive for .085 which IS over the limit and I was forced to go to court.

If it wasn’t for the fact that it took to long to get it heard and it was dismissed I would have lost.
This guy said he only had one beer because he was to cheap to buy a second one and NEVER did.
To prove how cheap he was he paraded a army of friends and relatives including the bartender who says he is SO cheap, that he doesn’t even leave a tip.
The judge in his infinite wisdom took it and found him not guilty by reason of cheapness.

All those years of trying to think of something brilliant and complex all I had to do is think of something stupid like

“I though that was oregano, huh go figure” or "It couldn't have been me your honor, they have been shot 20 times each and I am to cheap to waste that many bullets, one each yeah ok it's me but not more than that, unless I winged him with the first shot".

Have a great weekend



Patti said...

Hey I would have bought any of your excuses *wink*
Have a great week-end!!!

having my cake said...

I would find it hard to convict any man who voluntarily cleaned behind the furniture :)

Dotm said...

Now all that would sure keep a mother busy worrying. Good cause for gray hairs. HaHaa. My kids used to tell their friends that I must have eyes in the back of my head because sooner or later I always heard where they went and what them and their friends did while they were gone. It drove them crazy trying to find out how I was finding out so much. The step son once accused his best friend of telling on him since no one else was with them when they skipped school. Truth was he talked in his sleep. To this day he doesn`t know that. I just told him his friend never said anything to me. Another time I called a mother to have my son come home for supper and she said she thought the boys were at my home. We found themsitting on a girls porch. Lot more to this story, but they never went there again.

Shaz said...

I am not surprised by your excuses lol I think you are totally believable ;)
Now I do find the other guys story a bit hard to swallow maybe a little underhanded takes there?

upset waitress said...

Thank goodness no one was kind enough to buy you a second round then.

Anonymous Boxer said...

when you finally write your memoir, I will be in line to buy the first copy.

Painting is a ton of work and I've never started a project and not had it take days longer than expected. I think professional painters earn their money and yet.... I won't hire one.

I hope you are enjoying your well earned weekend.

gab said...

It wasnt me I swear because ummm I dont swear!? lol See im not smart enough to even come close to gettin myself free of illeagle entanglements! I guess thats why I have never done any. But I will say time in band camp oh no wait I never was in band! lol But this one time my sister and I went bar hopping and I was driving her brand new car and we had had ohhhhh lets say about 12 or 16 drinks where the first 6 were really really strong. Had I been pulled over that night welll I guess I would have been cooked! How we managed to stay away from cops that night I'll never know but my sister never let me drive her car again when we went bar hopping! Thing is now I can only drink 2 drinks! So Im safe.