blue moon (2)

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Summit ©

Never EVER say I have a boring life.
If it's not one thing it’s another and just when you think you got it all beat you get blindsided from the shadows.

My life has been a war filled with battles from the time I was born.
Sometimes I wonder if I was a sick experiment put on this earth to test me like some fucken rat in a maze but the walls are not made of wood but of people, living breathing people with souls.

They to are put in the same maze to run their gambit of twists and turns to find the exit to oblivion.
Many people have braced me physically and mentally.
The scars that dot my body marking time pale to the scars I carry within me.

They are not scars of battles lost but of battles won because the deepest scars I carry are the ones I have inflicted on others who dared to brace me and those are the ones I feel the most.

I war I am ruthless and use what ever means available to me to bring my opponent to their knees, beat and spent ready for the final blow to put an end to it.
Yet I have never finished off a foe, I have never been able to bring myself to drop the hammer.

I freely admit that in the heat of battle I am ruthless and vengeful but no matter how much I think I should and that they deserve it, I can’t finish off someone I have brought to their knees and just leave them be.

I don’t know how some people could do it.
There comes a time when there has to be compassion for your defeated foe because without compassion you loose your humanity and without your humanity you’re nothing more than just an animal.

Today while I was talking to my daughter on msn I asked her to ask her mother if it was ok if you could have Christmas dinner with us because I know my EX usually has Christmas dinner with her family on midnight if the 24th.
She said her mother said yes they can and she would try and get my oldest to come to.
Then she told me that they haven’t had Christmas in six years, not even with her aunts.

I remember back 24 years ago it was a big thing and they would all gather with mountains of presents and the booze flowed like there was no end.
Music and laughter filled the air.
Times change when you are not paying attention.

Then my daughter asks if I can give her mother a couple of cigarettes.
Huh, well I said yes but they are kinda far away.
She tells me that they are coming to my place to bring my mother some containers she had sent back with food to them and she would pick the cigarettes then.
I haven’t seen my EX in 8 years and we haven’t spoken more than hi or bye for closed to 12.
I told the kid to tell her there wouldn’t be a problem.

I went next door and told my parents that the EX was coming and my father opened his mouth and said something stupid which I turn and fired back some words so hard at him he fell into his chair.
My mother told him to shut up and back me up.
I am sick and tired of this fucken European arrogance.

It’s that kind of attitude that cause ALL of the fucken wars in the world and MOST started in Europe by fucken pig headed old cocksuckers.
I told them she was coming to thank them for what they sent her and they were going to behave like the past never happened.

At this stage of the game I don’t want any bullshit from anyone particularly my side of the fence.
Like I have said before, I live my life by my rules and if you want to play in my world you play on your terms with my rules.
I have faced my opponents’ head on with the respect they deserve until they break the rules, and then I will deal with that.

I figured she will have to take the bus and will take her about an hour to get her so I went home from my mother’s place and got dressed to go out and buy her a carton of smokes instead of giving her a handful.
When I finally walked out the door and started walking up the street I heard a loud whistle and turned to see my EX with my daughter coming from the bus stop.
Wow I though, buses are faster no a days.

I turned and started walking towards them and we met outside my house.
I told her I was going out to buy her some smokes and she was surprised to hear that.
We started going up the stairs and I told her to wait a second and I would give her the carton I had at home since I never made it get her one and she asked if she could come in for a smoke.
That shocked the hell out of me.
This was the woman who has been telling the world she is terrified of me and all this other crap.
I told her she was welcome to come in.

This is the house we both lived in for ten years before she moved out.
It was here where my oldest came home to when she was born.
I got her the cigarettes and she immediately pulled one out and started smoking.
I saw my daughter gag from the smoke and told her to sit in my chair and I sat next to the Ex on the couch.

The years have not been kind to her.
I remembered the beautiful young girl I first met that matured into a beautiful woman.
I always had good taste when it came to women.

But the years of running like a fugitive have taken their toll on her.
That’s all I will say on that.

The ex looked around the house and asked me who kept it so clean and I pointed to the cat.
With my daughter sitting in the chair and listening I started talking to her.
First I told her she didn’t have to be afraid of me and never had reason to.
I told her that there was no need to run and hide because it didn’t matter to me any more and that I knew where she has been but left her to live her life.

She sat there listening to my words and I spoke them.
I told her that we have wasted time will this war that’s been waging that everyone has been a looser especially the kids and she didn’t have to live the way she did.
I told her our past drug problems was the reason for most of our constant fighting with the help of some outsiders who had nothing to loose.

Then I got up and walked to m y bookcase and pulled out two photo albums and passed them to her and asked her to have a look at those.
Inside those books were 20 years of our life together before the drugs took us apart when time were good.
The started from the time we were 16 to the time my eldest was born where everything ended.

She was surprised I had them.
I have the first valentine she ever gave me.

I told her that I was not happy about the things she said about me but I was willing to let the past stay in the past.
We had done enough to each other and we were only hurting our kids right now.
I told her she had the right to live the life she wanted to live as I did without interference but we both had an obligation to our kids.

She sat there flipping through the pages pulling out a picture here and there.
Asking how this person was and that person.
Friends we once shared.

I Said to her that if she still wanted to continue with this fight that it was fine as far as I was concerned because she has already lost because I have no intention to fight back and that I will continue to live my life as I always have and she can keep on hiding and living like she has.

Or

We can slowly become friends and I would like to help bring her standard of living up.
I told her I had to much stuff and I wanted to give her and the kids some and asked her to follow me so I could show her.
She got up and went to one of the hanging pots and touched the leaves then told me she thought it was fake.
I told her no it was real and were the other 55 plants in the house.
She said my eldest would have a field day in my house because she is taking botany.

We went upstairs and showed her the big screen TV in my room and the entertainment center in the other bedroom and said to her they were hers if she wanted them.
I said to her she will get them delivered when she is sure what she will be doing and in March I will buy the kids the beds (When I know she is staying put).
She seemed genuinely excited.

We went back downstairs and sat for another smoke.
When she left me she didn’t smoke cigarettes or pot but now she smoked both and smoked 5 cigs in an hour.
That’s right she was at my place for an hour.
I called my mother and told her my EX was next door at my place for the last hour and she almost fainted.

I wanted to have a private conversation with her infront of my daughter so she heard everything.
I wanted my daughter to see that if we wanted to her parents could get along.
While we casually chatted she brought me up to speed on her side of the family.
Her sisters daughter was murdered a couple of years ago while waiting for the bus by a sick individual who is locked up in a mental facility now.
Her sister is a basket case.
They rest of the family has taken a beating mostly because they have been living by the same plan my EX has and now all the sisters are divorced and 3 of the 5 are down and out.

Just before we went next door we agreed to be civil, we proved we can be.
I told her that she was the mother of the kids and the boss because they lived with her.
Nothing will happen without her approval.
Those are my rules.

I told her I understand why she was mad the other day because my brother and SIL kept my oldest out until midnight and she gets up at 6 am for a 2 hour commute to school.
It won’t happen again.

She told me about loosing her job and she won’t be going back but will apply somewhere else instead.
She said she had no money for the rent so I told her to go to social services and apply there for a couple of months until she gets a job, it should be a problem.
They cut their phones of to and I told her to get a land line for 25 bucks instead of the expensive cell phones for now and in time we can get some pay as you go phones for the kids for emergencies.

I gave her 100 bucks because she said she didn’t have any money to which she said she could use that for the phones.
I told her the rent should come first and the phone last.

When we walked into my mothers house she greeted BOTH my parents in fluent Greek and we all sat in the kitchen and talked.
Even my father was cordial.
We sat there for another hour while my mother stuffed the ex with pastries.
The EX has lost about 110 pounds since the last time I saw her and not in a good way.

While we were sitting there I asked her about Christmas infront of my parents and she said the kids could come.
I asked her what about her and she said she was staying home so I invited her also.
No one should spend Christmas alone and she said she would come.

When it was time to go I walked them the two blocks to the bus stop and we talked along the way.
I told her that I would help her with food and clothes for the kids and hopefully when she gets a job and with our help things will change for the better for her and the kids.
Again I reminded her that it was all up to her and that I respected her right to live her life as she please with the people she had around her even the ones I want to smack.

I look on this day full of surprises as a success but don’t think I am stupid; I am taking this slowly still because I know this woman and it could change and I don’t trust her.
I hope she comes to her senses and accepts what I suggested for everyone’s sake.

The woman looks beaten, a woman I once loved and had my kids with.
I won't forgive her for what has happened because it's not my way but won't kick her when she is down either.
There must be a little storage space in my head to hide the last 15 years in.

I walked home and sat on the couch.
The phone rang and it was my mother.
She said Mike had a heart attack………..

Have a nice day

Walker

24 comments:

Susan said...

Be careful. I know you are being very generous to a woman who is at rock bottom, but old habits die hard. But your daughters are worth taking the chance.
I hope Mike is ok.
Hugs.

deni said...

You have a lot going on right now.

Thank you for your comment.

Shaz said...

Well it has been so long since i have sat and read your words Walker.
For the last year I have laughed at you and with you, your posts are hilarious and your telling of stories second to none.
I have found you to be funny caring, sensitive, honest and straight down the line, your comments have always given me a boost and I consider you to be a fine man with strong convictions and I have always loved that about you.
I was going to say Im speechless by this post but then that would be silly because i have written a novel. any whooo........
You deserve respect and sure as shit have mine.........This post made me cry and I am not sure why but all I can say is WOW xxx

Lynilu said...

I hope the truce holds. It will be a lot easier for your kids, and for the two of you, also. I've been fortunate to have a good relationship with my ex for most of the 30+ years, and our kids and grandkids have benefited from it.

Hope all is well with Mike.

Anonymous said...

Walker, you've proven by these words what I've felt all along; life is truly a test for each of us. The past cannot be remedied but the future can, and I feel you're doing your part for the best reason of all; your children.

Sally

Walker said...

Susan: I will be more than careful, I have been burned in the past and I have to think of my family aswell but in the same breath I have to try and find a peace.
I don;t trust her and I don;t know if I will ever fully trust her but she is also the key to my oldest daughter coming back.

That is the reason I have spread out over four months what I will be giving her.
Just as she has to learn to trust me, she has toi prove she has to be trusted.

Walker said...

deni: I think we all do this time of year. It seems that when ever Christmas comes around the corner, life gets crazy but settles down on the day and calm comes back from the holidays after.

Walker said...

Shaz: Thank you, I think we all deserve respect even my EX but she has to give it back.
Tearss of joy and sadness wash away the past and baptize a new beginning

patti_cake said...

Walker I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope this is the beginning of good things for you regarding your kids and your Ex. You are a strong, wise man.
I really hope you are joking about Mike and it was just that he heard about you and the Ex.

Walker said...

Lynilu : I hope it holds to but that will be up to her.
I will do my best to accomidate her needs at home and for whatthe kids require without interference on how she lives but she will have to be honest with me.

Walker said...

Sally: Life is always a test and the answers to the questions are always different depenting onthe time the are asked.
The ball is in the EX's court now but will she play nice and win or will she play hardball and loose is the question.
I have no intention of playing hard ball.

Walker said...

patti_cake: I hope she see the benefits of being friends for the kids and her health to.
War had no prizes just scars.

No I wasn;t kidding about Mike, He was admitted to the hospital a couple of days ago with no one knowing.

Lora_3 said...

I hope your Ex understands that you just offered her something more then money.

Please let Mike know that your whole blog of people are offering up their well wishes for his speedy recovery.

The Crystal Ball says you have some wonderful things waiting for you in the New Year. Make sure your shoes are tied tight so you can keep up. The image of two girls pulling you up a busy sidewalk is stuck in my head. You have a smile on your face so maybe that's a good thing. LOL

Be safe...

nachtwache said...

This reads like one of your stories, including the shocking cliffhanger! I hope Mike pulls through. He might want to start watching his health (less booze and such). I wish him a complete recovery!
The story about your Ex and daughters made me feel emotional too, especially how absolutely wonderful you handled it and showed such kindness! You're almost a Saint! I think you handled it the best way possible. That's sad, you two were high school sweethearts? Hard living, drugs and booze take their toll, you can usually tell just from looking at people, if they lived a hard life. I really hope your daughters make better choices. Wrong choices only bring heartaches.
I'm happy that it looks like you have a chance to see both girls and you'll be together for Christmas. All the best!

BikerCandy said...

Wow...we seem to be kindred spirits this week Walker, my drama with my daughters and yours with yours. I'm so happy that we have both had some sort of victory this week though. I admire you for your behavior with your ex. It takes a very big man to put away the past and to do what is right for the innocent people involved. Good job! Now...let's go have a beer! I think we both need it tonight.

Walker said...

Lora_3: I hope she sees the benefits of us getting along but time will tell.

I will tell Mike when I see him :)

I have two crystal balls and all the tell me clean me LOL

Walker said...

nachtwache: All I did was spell it out to her to understand as easy as possible with no fine print just reality.
She has been living in a world she dreamed up for some reason with the help of others now its time to see what is real for the kids sake.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Kids, how boring would life be without them LOL

Anonymous Boxer said...

Wow. What an intense situation - I am impressed by your ability to "rise above" the past and hold hope for a future. And I'm glad to hear you're also aware that you need respect.

I think December is going to be one of those months where a lot of change happens. Can you feel that?

I can. And it kinda scares me.

Gypsy said...

I am so sorry about Mike. He has a special place in my heart ever since I found out he saved your life that time. Please tell him there is a little Aussie Gypsy who is sending him a big "Get Well" kiss.

It takes a big person to put hurtful things that have happened to one side for the sake of others. I know usually once someone is out of your life that's it but of course this is a different kettle of fish. I know this might be overly optimistic but maybe being shown a bit of kindness and generosity of spirit might be the trigger for your ex becoming a better person herself. It can't hurt and for all your sakes I hope she doesn't disappoint you.

You are a good man Walker :) xxx

Peter said...

Nobody that has ever visited your blog would ever think your life could be boring Walker.
Please include my best wishes to Mike when you see him, hope everything works out well for him.
On the home front, you deserve all the praise that has been heaped on you over your handling of this current situation, (I did think that maybe "Saint" was going a bit far) but I would be proud to think that I could have handled your situation as well as you have.
At the very least your youngest daughter has witnessed you and your ex in civilized circumstances and hopefully at the latest, by Christmas, your oldest will too.

JYankee said...

Walker
You continue to be so wise in your ways. No one knows your ex better than you..and I must say..you've been more than superb in handling her. I hope that she is able to see that and come around....
Best wishes to Mike... I hope it wasn't too serious.....

Sandi said...

Hi there..I stopped by from anon boxer's party cuz we are sitting across from each other and I wanted to know who you were! :)

After reading this post.. I know that you are a good hearted man.. a good friend and a good father.

Bless you this holiday season and I hope your Christmas with the family goes well.

(HUG)

Josie Two Shoes said...

I thought you did an amazing job of handling this situation, Walker. I know it couldn't have been easy. I respect you for offering the olive branch to your ex, when there is a history of so much pain between you. I am of the same philosophy, the past is in the past, and while we don't forget or even forgive fully, there is a time to move on from it, to at least communicate. If you can maintain a truce it will make it so much better for your daughters, and that is most important. I am betting that by the time you left them at the bus stop you felt totally drained from the intensity of the experience. I hope that you also slept well, knowing that you rose to the occasion and did everything you could. I respect that for you greatly. I hope your ex realizes what a gift that conversation was.