blue moon (2)

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

From Tribbles To Tribulations ©

My last post was about the shit hitting the ceiling this post is about the shit hitting the fan; the only difference is it not flying back into my face.
The reintroduction of my kids back into our lives has created a lot of problems in what was once a hectic existence for me and brought it up to an insane level.

I do things my way and that entails me going at a slow pace so I get a good look at the whole picture to understand why everything is the way it is.
I have found for every action there is a re-action and reason no matter what side of the fence you are on and if you can’t understand both sides then you will NEVER win.
No one will and everything will be lost and I hate to loose.
I prefer that it would be a win, win situation for every one.

I have had to have a thick skin for some of the things I have heard and had to absorb.
Some of the things that have been said about me leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I admit that it has risen the temperature in my head but I have learned to bite my tongue and tried to look at what is important rather than go on the aggressive and defend myself.
I have learned to fight my battles according to the situation and dropping my ears then attacking won’t serve me or my kids anything but grief and this is about them, not me, not my family or my EX for that matter.Everyone is to busy looking for what they can get out of it, all I want is to help my kids grow into adults who understand the world and people so they could fend for themselves when there is no one there to look after them.

I have missed my kids and am happy to be having them around once more but with it the BS has resurfaced.
The woman I call my EX is not the woman I used to know.
She has become a self-centred manipulative cruel bitch as far as I am concerned.

In a week she has spun a web of BS to all concerned leaving everyone but me lost.
Why not me, because I stepped back a mile to watch and see what was happening and what I saw was not petty.

First let’s look at the accusations:

She told my brother and SIL that she was scared of me because I beat her all the time.

As I have said in the past I smacked her twice over a space of 20 years and both times it was right after she stabbed me, once because I wouldn’t give her money for more booze and the second time for drugs.
Actually the first time when she shoved a broken bottle into my side it was pure reflex.

She also said that I used to rape her, her sisters and all her friends over a space of the 20 years that we were together and that includes my daughter when she was six years of age.
She also said that in court when I was fighting for access to my kids.

For the whole time we were together I only slept with her unless you count the time I was passed out drunk and the EX and her sister thought it would be funny if her sister pulled it out and went for a ride while I was unconscious with my EX cheering her on.

The courts had me see a shrink and my daughter was poked and prodded by doctors who cam back saying my daughter had not been molested by anyone and that all the accusations were false.
The judge lashed into the EX and her lawyer and put it on the record.

She told them I tried to break in one night and tried to murder her and the kids while they were sleeping.

If fact the cops did show up in the morning to arrest me but when they heard that for an alibi I had the chief of police and half the off duty cops they turned around and left.

Now, right after she made these accusations he said:

She wants the kids to see their father and his family.

Tell me, if you thought your EX is a psycho rapist that makes Jack the Ripper look like a choir boy, are you going to send your kids to him, I fucken hope not?

Yesterday my youngest phoned and said her mother threw her out of the house.

My youngest dropped out of school last week, actually she signed off on it for a year, this way she can go back in the fall.
My kid has been missing a lot of school first because she was sick a lot and then she just didn’t want to go because the other kids were teasing her and calling her names.
Even those she called friends turned on her so she stopped going to school.

My SIL got in the truck and went to pick her up from where she was calling from and then called me babbling something about what was happening.
I told my SIL to shut up and just pick up the kid.
My SIL may be a nice person but she also exaggerates everything you tell her.
I wanted to hear what happened from my daughter not the SIL.

About an hour later I went to my parents place and asked if they had heard anything and my mother told me my daughter was up that street and has been there for 45 minutes, but no one told me.
My mother said they were waiting for my brother to show up.
Who the fuck is he?
It’s my kid.
I got my coat and went up there.

When I got up there my daughter was talking on the phone with my brother so I waited in the living room until she came back and sat down.
I haven’t done any talking to my daughter since she came back last week.
I have done my best to avoid them and let them get used to my family and not put any pressure on either kid.
I understand how new this was and I respect their fears after what their mother and her family has been telling them.

I figure I would wait for them to get comfortable with our surroundings then maybe they would be comfortable with me around.
I waited 8 years to see them again; another month is chump change next to that.

We did some small talk for about 30 minutes and then I asked her if she would be comfortable going to my parents place so we could have a private talk and my parents would be in the kitchen so she wouldn’t be alone with me.
I wanted her to feel comfortable plus I wanted her to be open with me.

I needed to see the whole picture not just the little bits that were just the results of other shit.
I find people tend to look at the effect of what has happened more often than the cause.
I needed to know and understand the cause of why she was tossed from the house.
My SIL said we could use the living room at her place but she would also be able to hear and I know my daughter wouldn’t have been as open with someone else close by.

We walked the half block to my parents place and I sent her to say hi first to her grand parents.
My kids have zero social skills.
NONE what so ever.
Their mother keeps them bottled up and away from people.
My kids have no friends.
This is not right.

After greeting my parents she came back and we sat down to talk, I did most of it in the beginning so she would understand where I was coming from.
I also told her that she can ask me anything and I WILL tell her what she wants to now.

It was hard listening to some of the things she has had to endure but I kept a straight face and open mind.
There have been beatings by her mother and by one of her mother’s BFs.
She told me that they were so poor when they ran off out west cost that she shoplifted at the age of 10 for candies to eat.
That was, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
For two years the lived more or less like dogs in a strange place under a strange persons roof, under their rules.

Then after they saw that nothing was working the EX came back.
For the next five years she worked for a department store not to far from where they lived and one my family and I go to.
I was told that her mother had seen up a number of times and ran off to hide so we wouldn’t see her.

Last week she asked to be changed to a new department and they transferred her but also cut her pay, which pissed her off so she quit her job.
After quitting her job and seeing she wasn’t going to have an income the EX went to her family and told them she needed help because she had to quit work.
When they asked her why she quit she told them it was because my youngest had gone out to find my family and me and now that we were back in her life she was scared.

The Ex.’s 90-year-old mother doesn’t care for my youngest and calls her the devils child and treats her like crap.
She told her that my daughter was nothing more than bad luck.

When the EX got back home she told my young one that she lost her job because of her and her desire to find us and she now had to go out and find a job by the end of the day or to get out of the house.
Then she left to go somewhere.
An hour later when the EX came back she asked my daughter why she was still there and not gone.
So the kid left and went out wandering the streets alone until she called the SIL.

First off, my daughter didn’t find us, we found them and the EX quit her job for her own reasons not because of my daughter.
There is more, LOTS more that my brain is still processing.

It looks like my Ex is preparing to make a run for it again it seems from what my daughter told me but what worry’s me the most is that my EX is surfing the Internet looking for a rich man to take care of her and the kids.
She sled my daughter how they would like moving to Florida to live with some guy she met a week ago on his farm.


My ex is so stupid she would go out and live with someone that she has never met before and drag my kids along.
It’s not like it’s someone she has known for a long time.
She just met this guy on a dating service and who knows whom the fuck he is and I am fearful for my kids at that prospect.
Also, what does it tell my kids?
She is telling them she wants to find a rich guy so they could leech off of him.

My youngest said she isn’t going to go but I worry about my eldest who is momma’s girl.
This was the kid that was nuts about me one time and her mother flipped her brain in the other direction and now won’t look at me.
Last week both kids came to visit my mother for dinner and I happened to show up and sat down.
I was trying to be as normal as I could, cracking jokes when I could get a word in and even though it was tense, it was fun.
Later when my brother drove them home and brought them up to their place my eldest said that she saw me at my parents place and that I was nice.
The EX told her that she was happy that they had a good time with me.
Then my brother and SIL left.
As soon as they were gone my youngest told me that their mother scolded my eldest daughter and reminded her how I used to beat and abuse them.
Now my eldest doesn’t even want to go to my parents place.

Am I mad?
This is no time to be mad.
May family is fuming especially because of the allegations but I don’t give a fuck about them.
You see I know the truth as does my EX and my kids.
So for me to explode and butt heads with her would only make matters worse.

What I need to do more than anything is understand my EX so I know what to expect and find a way to make sure my kids are taken care of by her or me.
It’s not about who wins with me, it’s about what’s best for the kids.
So I kept asking questions and collecting answers.
I don’t want to take the kids away from my ex unless I truly have to and I will, trust me I will if I see this get worse.

With this time of year upon us and with her quitting her job, the Ex.’s head must be fucked up so I don’t know if she was serious about throwing the kid out or threatening her so she may go back to school.
None the less I know my young one is not happy at home.

My mother wanted to fix up the spare bedroom for her but I nixed that.
I told her she would be going back home but if she was thrown out she was to call us and she will be living with me.
I told her she will never be on the street and will always have a home.
I could see if I kept the kid with us, the EX would use it as an excuse to call the cops and I don’t care for any trouble and if the cops show up, there will be.

It was then the phone ran at my mother’s place and it was my Ex calling to see about my daughter.
She was nice on the phone crying and telling my mother how much she missed them but was scared to come.

My daughter told me her mother used to tell her that she can come see us any time she wanted to but didn’t remember my last name or my phone number so she couldn’t find us.
I guess her memory came back.

This is just bits and pieces of some of the stuff I have been trying to deal with; there are mountains more I have been trying to sort out.
From what I understand my EX is going to run for it at the end of the month and I am not going to stop her.
My daughter knows where I live and how to reach us and I know where she is going for now.
What bothers me is that my eldest is in college and the EX is willing to uproot her and loose the tuition she has paid.

I don’t want the ex to abandon my youngest and run off to places unknown with my eldest who is turning 20 in March but has the social skills of a 16 year old if not less.
These kids have been looking after each other for years now and when the EX was pummelling my youngest with a wooden statue it was the eldest the jumped on her mother and pulled her off.

I have always stated I don’t understand women but I thought I knew mothers and thought they put their kids ahead of their personal needs and tried to keep their kids a safe as possible.
I guess some don’t care.
I fear something might happen to my kids if I loose sight of them again.
I don’t want to take my youngest away from her sister and would prefer to have both with me, or with their mother, here in this city, where they have family to help them if they need it.

While my brother was there the guy that used to date my ex showed up, the same person who beat my youngest and the EX let him in and introduced him top my brother.
This is the same guy the told my EX to drown my daughter in the toilet when she was born.
This is the same person who will one day talk to my fist for it, if I ever catch him.
He runs like a jackrabbit when he sees me but one day he will run into a wall and will find himself hanging upside down in a toilet.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but one thing for sure it will be something crazy if my ex stays on this path.

I apologize for all this drama but I want you all to see what some fathers have to go through.
I know there are a lot of abusive and deadbeat fathers out there but there are some that are not and have to go through hell just to see their kids and to make sure they are safe.

My talk with my daughter went well and I think we are on the same page.
I told her I won’t press her about school for now but I fully expect her to go back and pursue her quest to act and sing.
She has started writing a book and is on chapter four.
She has had a story published online and it was good, I read it.
As much as I want to be her father, I want to be her friend more; it’s something she lacks right now.
It helped that she wanted to come see us and we can now get to know each other from step one and learn to understand who the other person is rather than go by what others tell us.

Suffice to say I am now not going to go out and into debt to buy the kids new beds.
The kids are sleeping on box springs covered with a sponge and a blanket.
I went out the other day and priced day beds and two would have cost me 1200 and I was also going to give then a 40 inch big screen TV and a 21 inch one so they could each have a TV in their bedrooms but if the EX is planning to move away I don’t know what she will do with the stuff I send her.

Maybe even toss it out so I will hold off on everything until I know something more solid of what she will be doing.

I did ask her at the end what she thought about the old man.
She looked at me and said,
“Well, you got lots of BLING on your hands and neck, like a gangster”.
“You wear glasses like a geek”
“Jeans like a cowboy and you like to wear a hoody like gangstas”

I guess that makes me a root in toot in geeky gangster from the hood, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAA. LOL!!!!!!

Update: I wrote this post yesterday afternoon and wasn’t sure if I was going to post it or not and while I was contemplating it, my youngest added me to her MSN and came on to talk to me.
I learned that her mother was going back to work today.
This makes me wonder if she was fucking with my daughter’s head the whole time or not.
If she quit her job how can she go back to it?

I am posting this not for me or you but for all the fathers and mothers in the same situation who fight the lies and the BS because they love their kids.
I write this for the kids who need their parents, be they together or apart.
There is no winner in war, only destruction.

Have a nice day



BikerCandy said...

I admire you Walker for many things but the main thing being you sit back and listen instead of reacting. I think you are a great father. The only thing you said here that I sort of disagree with is that you want to be her friend more than her father and I think she needs her father more now than she needs a friend. Just my opinion though. I'm just so glad you are being there for both of them and one day it will make a huge difference that you were.

patti_cake said...

Oh Walker your post has my heart aching. For you, for your girls, for your family. Any Mother worth a tinkers damn cares about her child above herself. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for Madison including staying with her Daddy (who has an alcohol problem) and MAKING my marriage work and making it a happy one as an example for her. I really hope your ex doesn't run and take her daughter(s) with her. That really scares me also. So many rotten people out there. You are all in my heart and my prayers my friend.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I understand what you are saying but with so many people telling her what to do or not to do.
People bossing her around I rather be what she doesn;t have for now and that's a friend to talk to.
In time the rols will be more defined as we get to know each other.
I have the time and the patience.

Walker said...

patti_cake: I think her mother is desperate for someone as she gets older.
I think she resents the fact that when she left me, and she left me I didnt ask her to leave even though the relationship was toast, I would have hung in there for the kids, I moved on and met someone else.
I guess she thought I wouldn't find someone.

I truly hope my ex finds someone who will make her happy and she stays here where there are those who care for the kids.

Southern to the bone. said...

That would be my biggest hope also, Walker; that the kids will be living near you. I, too, admire the way you've listened instead of reacting. That's a great lesson for your girls. I wish you all the very best.


nachtwache said...

Holy .... ! You're handling this very well! I was going to say the same as Bikercandy, but I see what you mean. That's still being a father,a good one, listening to our kids is important and she's at an age where she is learning to make her own decisions, like contacting you. Hopefully she'll keep making good decisions, not like her mother. You're very generous to your Ex. I think she must have some serious psychological problems, just from some of the things you shared. That's how she would have gotten her job back, with help from the Union, claiming personal stress made her do it. She works at the same corporation as me, right?
It sure doesn't sound like a healthy home for your daughters. Is her whole family nuts? Her sister !!!! her mother !!!! I live a sheltered life. Take care of yourself and your girls. I'll add my prayers to patti-cake's.
Yes, I think you're doing a great job dealing with it all. I really hope your older girl comes around. Her mom should be charged with abuse!

Gypsy said...

I can't imagine a mother being so emotionally cruel to her kids that she would tell such bare faced lies that are only meant to wound. What a complicated woman!!! She doesn't sound like she gives a damn judging by the way she "looks after" her kids and yet she seems desperate to keep them all to herself, I suspect as some kind of leverage for herself somewhere down the line.

No wonder your head is spinning Walker. I really admire you too for keeping calm and not reacting to this despite having every right to. See I would have done something regrettable by now if I'd been in the same shoes as you these past couple of weeks. But then I'm a bad tempered bitch with no self discipline :(

Keep doing what you're doing and your daughters will figure out the truth for themselves. THAT is what your ex is so afraid of. All you can do is be there as a safe haven when they need it unless the situation deteriorates further, then you may need to step in. Good luck hon, thank goodness your daughters have you and your dysfunctional, but loving family.

Walker said...

Southern to the bone: The way I see it is that to much talking because argueing way to often and most arguments are the result of to much talking and not enough listening.

My Ex's family are nuts as far as I am concerned but they are exactly as their parents raised them to be, something I don't want my kids to be.

Walker said...

nachtwache: Life isn't easy sometimes and I have to admit i did do alot of tongue biting, I am a bit argumentative when pressed.

My Ex's family are set in their was as they were brought up.
They disowned a daughter 40 years ago and the sisters don;t talk to her even when she came to see them 35 years later to be reunited with them.

This is how thier parents raised them to be, strict Russian Orthodox beliefs, archaic beliefs if you ask me.

Walker said...

Gypsy: I have always believe to look for the cause rather than the symptom.
With me ex i see a woman who is fifty now and probably going through menapause judging from her mood swings. Then there is the loneliness factor, her desperate attempts to find someone to be with and I am sure there is much more.

First i have to understand her so I could deal with her in a way she understands.

Sometimes we jump the gun and fuck it all up, that's why I am going slowly.

Peter said...

All this shit just keeps on happening Walker, it would be nice if I (or anybody) could just wave a magic wand and fix it all up, we all know thats not gonna happen though.
Just keep going the way you are and eventually things will improve, at least it sounds like they may be staying put which is a blessing.

Anonymous said...

I really do admire the fact that you can really step back and look at this whole thing from a logical point of view...and with the kids lives as a priority... kudos to you...I really hope the situation gets better for all... what a mess eh?