Still Confused ©

It’s times like these I want to switch places with someone else or maybe check to see if there still is a foreign legion.
Life is becoming a football game with no rules and I am the only referee or at least that’s how I feel.

Things are being forced to move faster than my liking and yesterday I blew up.
My SIL is nosey and my brother is pushy and stupid.
Not the he doesn’t know anything type of stupid but the talk before he thinks type of stupid.
History has proven that these two are unreliable and they have taken upon themselves to bring my daughters back in the fold.

I have no problems with that but these kids are strangers to us.
One hasn’t spoken to me in over ten years and is terrified of me for some reason.
The other hasn’t seen me in almost eight years.
That’s a whole lifetime.
They have grown up and I don’t know whom they are and they don’t know who I am either.

Lets start with my SIL first.
She get my youngest to let her into her face book and then begins to go through all the messages people have sent her and finds out things maybe she didn’t want an adult to learn like she hasn’t been to school in two weeks.

I know she hasn’t been to school, I figured that out the first day, I didn’t know it’s a habit that has been going on for years.
The SIL called me at 9 am in the morning to tell me this and spread the word to the whole family by the time I had gone for a piss.
I’m mad to say the least, not because my daughter has missed a lot of school but because the SIL used my daughter’s shyness and fear to get herself added to her Face book that she keeps private for only those she thinks as friends and to snoop at her messages.

I know some of you out there like monitoring your kids closely and checking their emails and other places online they use but I am not that way.
I know if they really wanted to hide shit from you they can, there is just to many ways to do so and it comes down to trust.
I think they deserve their privacy and if you show them that you are there and could be trusted especially in a situation where they don’t know what to do or understand they could come to you.
If you are caught snooping and invading their privacy you will only be alienating yourself from there.
These are just my views.
I don’t like people looking through my stuff why should they.

My brother is just being my brother.
He takes my daughter around through the house showing her a 32-inch plasma screen in each room and the stereos and computers that litter my mother’s house and his.
He shows them all the other toys he has and the 5000-dollar stereo in his car.
He tells them of the places he goes to and the things they do.

He is telling this to a 16 year old who has been poor most of her life and is still watching the TV I gave her eight years ago for Christmas.
I don’t know what the fuck my brother thinks he is doing by this but at one point the kid told him that they didn’t have stuff like that because they were poor.
It didn’t even faze him, he just kept on talking.
It's like telling then this si what you are missing.
It's not what I want.

My kids didn’t have to be in the state they are in, I would have made sure they would have been better off like I used to with clothes, the electronic toys but their mother saw that I couldn’t.

Then last night my brother came in to tell us that we were having Christmas dinner on the 24th and both my daughters were coming.
He didn’t ask us if we wanted to or if my kids would come.
I said no.
He told me to mind my business.
That was if.
I exploded and I don’t know why the fucken windows didn’t shatter.
My parents freaked I was so loud and thought I was going to kill him right there.

I have had about enough of people telling me what to do.
Just before that he was planning to move my daughter out of the school she is in and to another one and find her a job for the summer.
ONE FUCKEN DAY, the kid has been by the house and he is planning her summer and her education.
This is the same guy who couldn’t get past 10th grade because he was to disruptive.
He doesn’t ask others if this is ok or that.
I said to him the EX has a say in it and he says he didn’t care, if she disagreed he would hire a lawyer.

I told him it wasn’t going to happen then he called me lazy and uncaring.
He doesn’t realize I have been wanting to beat him to a pulp for years because of his attitude and I am not kidding.
If shit like this is what’s to be expected there will only be trouble and I will get caught right in the middle of it like the last time.

That was the evening of the day I saw my daughter.
The next day brought more in a different form.
I had to take my mother shopping and to the doctor so I went next door to get her and when I got there they were both sitting there staring at me then asked how I was.
They are still freaking out about the weekend before when I had a massive seizure that look more of a heart attack than a panic attack, it could have been both what the fuck do I know other than it was freakiest thing that has happened to me.
I’ve been having them ever since the cops cracked my skull.
I have been keeping them under control by keeping calm but the last couple of weeks have not been calm, AT ALL.

I spent the time telling them I didn’t trust my brother because he has never done anything the proper way or finished anything he has started and I won’t stand for his BS.
As far as I am concerned, my EX raised the kids and she knows them best.
For us to try and under mind what she has in place would be worse.
I would rather fill in the gaps and see if we could help with some of the problems and ease some of the weight off of them
This is not about revenge, as my brother seems to make it sound.
You can’t fix a broken glass by smacking it with a sledgehammer.

I have fought war, been in battles and watched friends put under the ground.
I watched their wives, kids and parents suffer for their loss because people rather fight than figure out a better way, but fighting and winning is more gratifying to many.
Like I have said before, I am tired, not scared, just plain tired.

There is a reason that I have retired myself to my privacy and that’s because I enjoy my peace and quiet, that is until someone else drags me from my self imposed exile.
I would rather bring my kids into my quiet world than the nosey one my brother lives in.

After shopping I came home and unloaded the car then went inside to get some rest.
It was one hell of a shopping day and I have a bigger one to do tomorrow for myself after I go to the dentist for some work done on one of my teeth.
Something tells me she won’t need to freeze my moths I am pretty much numb right now.

I lay down to get some sleep and got about an hours before the phone rang and it was my brother telling me he was picking up both my kids up and might bring them by the house.
My eldest is the one that was nuts about me and then did a 180 in the space of one weekend and she hasn’t spoken to me in ten years.
It was the day after my EX found out I had a new GF.
My daughter knew I had a new GF and told the EX and from that day on the kid has not come near me or even spoken a word.

I didn’t know what to think now.
The youngest one was nervous but she always wanted to come here but the oldest was another story.
About an hour later I decided I was going to go grab a pizza and decided to go ask my parents if they wanted some and when I walked into the kitchen from the back door there sitting in the kitchen were both my daughters.
Now how awkward was this.
They hadn’t called me because my eldest said she was scared of me.
I don’t know why she is scared of me, I have never done anything to her other than scold her with just cause.
I don’t believe in corporal punishment, I am a go to the corner type of parent especially after the beatings I took by my father.

For the next two hours I sat there while talking to everyone but her.
She kept her back to me the whole time and didn’t say a word to me.
I could tell she was scared and I tried my best to give her all the space she needed until she left without even taking a look in my direction.

How do I feel about that you say?

Most people who would have looked at me at that moment would say I am a stone cold person.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I have to be in order to give my kids what they need and right now I believe what they need is space to find themselves and us.

Once before in court the judge said she would be more than happy and order that my eldest be brought to me kicking and screaming if need be but even then I told the judge no.
I wanted her to come on her own terms even though she was nine years old at the time I wanted it to be her choice.
It’s how I have always lived my life and I don’t want anyone to be my friend, partner, daughter unless they want to be.

Life is getting interesting, not that it wasn’t before.

Have a nice day

Walker