blue moon (2)

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Cutting The Cheese ©

For a change of pace I decided that I would go do some shopping yesterday.
There is just too much happening around the house here so I took off to the dentist's office to get a tooth fixed that she had seen that needed work when I was there last week.
Last week I went in to get my teeth cleaned and a general inspection.

I have been going to see this dentist now for over ten years and she is used to some of my antics.
I walked in and sat down in the chair and waited for her to come in to see me.
When she did come in the first thing she said was that I had lost weight.
The first thing I said after thank you was her boobs were smaller.
It’s true.
When I first started going there her boob would pretty much blind fold me and now it barely rests on the top on my head.

She did say my teeth were looking good, I thonk she was trying to avoid answering the boob remark, she probably misses them too.
I was sitting there thinking about all the trouble we go through to keep our teeth clean.
I wake up in the morning and brush them, then rinse with mouthwash after.
Every night I wash them again and this time I use the water pik before I go to bed.

Now if you really think about it, if you had false teeth you can just take them out, throw them in the dishwasher while you were doing the rest of the dishes and just go straight to bed.
Sounds more efficient to me.

Her assistant came into the room and closed the door, then begun working of my mouth.
I remember when I was a kid and went to the dentist, it was a lot different then.
The dentist would stick his little mirror in and look around the block to see the damage of a year of eating candy had done to my teeth then would pull out this hook tool and poke at all your teeth so he could see which one made you jump out of the chair the fastest when he hooked it then drilled it so it could be filled.
When he was done he would tell you to rinse your mouth then spit it out next to you in a small basin then sit back in the chair to continue.

NOW, it’s alot different.
Now they have suction hoses, water hoses, lights, and this little rubber tent she puts in my mouth that’s attached around the tooth she is working on with a clamp.
The whole time I have to stretch my mouth open and much as I could to accommodate the little village she has moved into my mouth and the population seems to be growing with every visit.
Pretty soon I will have to get a couple of rotten teeth for her to pull so she will have room in my mouth for any other new gadgets she will need to stick in there with the rest of the tools she now has.

After about an hour of her and her jackhammer pounding away inside my moth she emerged and said she was done.
She told me to go rinse my mouth while she up dated my file.
Have you ever tried to rinse your mouth while one side is frozen?

First, when you are swishing the water around in your mouth you can’t feel it when it travels over to the frozen side or feel your lips because they are frozen to for some reason, therefore you don’t know when to tighten your lips and end up shooting water out the side of your face and onto the floor.

Embarrassed you look over to see if the doctor saw how sloppy you are and you see she is busy with the paper work so you bend down closer to the sink while you are rinsing.
Now you bend your head back to gargle but instead erupt like Old Faithful spewing water all over the place because for some reason your throat is frozen to and you couldn’t feel the water hit the back of your mouth and started going down the tube, choking you.
A quick glance toward the dentist and she is still busy and saw or heard nothing.

Now I bend over to spit in the sink.
My face is dead center of the sink and I spit right out the side of my mouth and all over the counter.
How the fuck could I miss the sink when my whole head was practically in it.
I filled my mouth with water again and rinsed it out once more then bent over LOWER and spit all over the counter again.
Because my right side was frozen I couldn’t get my lips to work properly.
I decided to quit right then and there before I drown the dentist and me with my spitting all over the place.

After exchanging season greetings with the doctor I headed off to the department store.
My mother had bought my father some boxers but they were the wrong size so she wanted me to exchange them for her.
Let me tell you, you don’t want to be exchanging stuff this time of year and especially right after Christmas to.
Wait for Easter then go do all your exchanging.

I got to the service counter and there was one woman behind the counter, two Muslim ladies at the counter and this blonde behind them waiting.
Three people, how long can it take?

I was standing there next to a display of corned beef from Argentina when another Muslim lady carrying a large shopping bag joined the two that were already there and she passed it to the older of the two women.
The woman opened the bag and dropped a large pile of clothes on the counter to be exchanged.


There was a mountain of clothes on the counter.
What, they don’t know how to shop or they just go to the department stores in the day time while their kids are in school and buy half a rack of clothes so they could take back home to have their kids try it on there then bring back what they don’t want to be exchanged and stand in line infront of me when I am in a fucken hurry?

Thirty minutes later I am still standing there and half the pile has been processed.
I am thinking maybe I should go find the right boxers while this is going on but what if I come back and someone else with a department store pile of clothes to be exchanged comes and stands infront of me.
Nope I stood there waiting.

I stare at the corned beef and then read the label of the cleaner next to it.
After I checked out the coffee can then looked to my left and saw the toilet paper that was next to the pile of cans of tuna.
Then I looked at the blonde infront of me.
There was nothing else to stare at.

She was about 5-4 105 pounds.
About 44-46
No ass
Blue jeans, black leather jacket, black……….OMG WHAT ARE THOSE, BOOTS?

She was wearing these boots that were so pointy in the front she must have had pencils for feet.
I hunted through the Internet and finally found a pair that looks like what she was wearing.

What does anyone need pointy shoes like this for?
The only use for them is chasing then nailing cockroaches that scurry into corners for safely.

She turned around then and smiled at me and said it was terrible about the wait.
I told her yes it was.
French accent.
We both faced the counter and continued to wait but periodically she turned to smile at me or to mumble something with a wink that I couldn’t hear.
I just hope she wasn’t offering to give me a blowjob and I missed it.

Just then the air started to change.
Someone farted and it wasn’t me.
I casually turned my head and I didn’t smell anything behind me but face forward, WHOAH.
The cans of corned beef were beginning to stampede for their boxes and the plastic plants were wilting.

I was doing my best not to gag and began breathing in short burst.
There was only ONE person infront of me and she turned around and gave me this big smile like nothing was wrong and we were not being attacked by some alien air born chemical.

If this is her way of saying “ I like you, would you like to jump my bones”, it’s not working.
She should fix the leak first, maybe with one of those boots then try again.
Personally unless something escapes I would never do something like that, others don’t give a shit and they let it rip anywhere.
Don’t you hate it when you get into and elevator with 20 other people on the first floor then someone cuts one loose as the doors close and your stop is the last one on the twentieth floor.

I remember once I was on my way to a Christmas party in Montreal, about 100 miles away.
Half way there the car started to stink something fierce.
I asked both of my step kids who was the one farting in the back seat.
Of course they both denied it but they both had a history of doing it so we didn;t believe them.
For about 40 miles we were choking to death with the windows down and their mother was getting pretty mad about now herself but the kids were vehemently denying it and I was beginning to believe them, no one could fart for that long.
Tears were streaming down our faces.

I pulled over at a stop and they went in to get some food from Burger King while I filled the gas tank.
I had left the windows down to air out the car while everyone was gone.
After I filled the tank I drove the car to the restaurant and went in to get something for myself to eat.

We must have been there for about an hour before we came out and got into the car but NOW the smell was even worse.
There was no one in the car to blame any more but the fart smell was definitely there and growing with a vengense from it's potency.
I didn’t run over anything that I could recall.
It's not like we have roving herds of farts running through the countryside that dash across the highways sometimes to be run over by Buicks.

I just couldn’t figure out what it could be.
A burnt wire somewhere maybe?
Before we drove off one of the kids wanted something out of her bag in the truck so I opened it from the dashboard for her so she could get what she wanted but as soon as she got back there she started screaming EWWWWWWWWW.

Now what I thought and got out of the car but I didn’t have to take more than one step to understand what she was ewing about.
The smell was coming from the truck of the car.
I look at both the kids and asked them in one of them had packed Frick in their bag.
They said no but you never know with kids, right?
The did cut his whiskers off once while playing hairdresser.

I start looking into the trunk not knowing what dead critter I was going to find decomposing in there.
I took out everything from the trunk one at a time until all I was left was a backpack with the stuff we had to pick up for the GF’s sister where we were heading.

I opened the bag and yes, this was the source of the king of farts, slayer of noses.
Cheese, it was the cheese they had asked us to buy for the dinner.
We had never eaten that cheese before or heard of it until we were asked to pick it up at the international cheese store here.
Everyone I asked has never heard of it either or seen it.
Probably because no one can get close to it before they get repelled by the smell.
I don’t remember the name but I know it was from France and stunk up the place ha ha ha.
I did try it and it tasted great but you have to be really drunk to get past the smell.

After about an hour I finally got to the counter and exchanged the boxers then got the right size and headed off for home for some peace and quiet.

Have a nice weekend



Anonymous Boxer said...

1. She needed those boots because she didn't have an ass.

2. You missed a blow job.

Josie Two Shoes said...

ROFL, I can always count on you for creative sharing, LOL at AB's comment too! :-)

Anonymous said...

yes that is cool.. you missed a good opportunity really did....LOL

nachtwache said...

Mais oui, zet freansch gurl, sche like u, eh?
The things we remember when something triggers the memory. Scents are some of the strongest reminders. :)
I can always count on lots of good laughs, when I read your posts.
I can see it in my mind when I read your writing.
Maybe it escaped her, having her toes squeezed and all.

Peter said...

Was there some relationship between the farts and the cheese? both sounded semi-lethal.

Susan said...

Done alot of catch up reading here just now. What a lot going on right now for you. I hope your daughters and you can develop some sort of amicable relationship. They have grown up with your ex poisoning them against you. I think you need to find some way to express your feelings for them so they get to know that you do care for them. Girls need to hear it from you. Giving them space is nice, but they need some sign that you have missed them and are happy to get reaquainted. My moms dad left when she was two. She never saw him untill she was 17. They were able to start over in a maturer relationship, despite her growing up hearing her moms constant critisism of him.
Good Luck.
And the cheese story brought back memories of a similar incident. My son got the EGG Burps while driving home from Saskatchewan. That morning at the great aunts house. He had said "Please, no eggs for me, my stomch is not wuite right". Of course old aunty Rita wont take no for an answer. She insisted and dumped a couple of eggs and hash browns on his plate anyway. Being polite Andrew made himself eat it. Well we paid for it. For an entire 8oo KMs!In Keiths family, If you dont eat everything offered, you offend their hospitality. It was bad enough that two of the kids were vegitarians! They couldnt get over that!
We have snow again today, its coming down the size of dinner plates all morning.