Bored Stiff ©

I am sitting here bored stiffer than last weeks road kill.
Spider bait is belting Ghost Riders In The Sky; you’re probably listening to it.
You can hear Nicholas Cage say Let’s Ride at the beginning.

Makes me want to jump on a horse and ride off somewhere.
It would have to be a Clydesdale though, at 250 pound one trip around the park and the horse will be crawling back bow legged like an 80 year old hooker.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do because I have plenty, more than enough to go around, actually it’s everyone else’s work I am doing because for some reason because I don’t have a fucken 9-5 job I have nothing to do.
You know for a single person who lives on his own I find myself with five dependents.
How the hell does that work out?

Maybe I am bored because I have no cable.
Yes, I am cable less.
The cable man, my brother has been fixing the cable.
That’s why I don’t have any.
My parents do and they don’t even watch fucken cable, only the Greek channel.

I asked him when it will be back up and he said Friday.
I ask him why e cut it off, he said so he could put in new lines.
I asked him why didn’t he run the new lines in first before he cut me off and then it would have been a quick switch when he was ready, he said nothing, just looked into deep space to see if there was actually a God and will save him.

TWIT

Something else that has started around here is my friends are suggesting it’s time AI found myself a girlfriend.
It’s like a conspiracy between people who don’t know each other or have ever met.
Is there a suggestion board out there with Walker’s name on it where people put up suggestions on how to complicate me life more than what it is now.

I’m sitting at Archie’s the other day and a friend of his stopped by for a bit and when she was gone he said to me that she was single.
Yeah so what?
He points out the fact that I was single to.
I point out the fact that he was to.
He said she had big tits.
I said she also had a head like a pumpkin and had more teeth in her purse than her mouth.
Archie thought about it for a second and agreed and we had another beer.

Monday I walk into the corner store and Abu, not his real name but he looks like an Abu asks me if I had a girlfriend or a wife.
Now when people ask that question alarm bells go off because you know it’s a trap of sorts.
I tell him that I didn’t have a wife or girl friend and he tells me that was good.
That could mean many things that usually leads to trouble.

He tells me that he is going to visit his homeland, Ethiopia and that there were a lot of single women there looking for men and he knew one that would be perfect for me.

ETHIOPIA, I don’t want a wife from there!
Aren’t they the ones we see on TV that look like they get to eat once a week?
They are all skinny to with small boobs.

Abu tells me that they have nice boobs and has his hands infront of him trying to show me how big the boobs are.
Like his wife’s boobs he said.
I’ve seen his wife and it’s obvious he doesn’t know what he is talking about.

Then he goes into this lecture about how good it is to have someone at home waiting for you after work.
The guy is at work from 7 am until 11 pm, he doesn’t have a wife he has a maid.
He has a small couch in the store, TVs hanging from the ceiling and a wall full of movies he rents after he watches them first.
The store is his wife.
I told him not to bring me a wife back from Ethiopia.
He said he would bring me back a buffalo.
I told him it better have big tits.

Even Leti is getting in on the picture the other day saying that she is going to dig me up a girlfriend down in Mexico now to.
That’s what you call a friend, you tell her you are ready to have a stiff one and she is will to go out there to dig one up for me.
I was thinking of a scotch on the rocks but what the hell, I told her I hope she finds someone that was buried recently.
I don’t want to end up with a 28 year old stiff buried in 1836, might as well go with Abu’s idea then.

Me being single hasn’t been lost on some of my EX lovers either.

So have you found someone yet?
No, I’m not really looking.

You know, I have the perfect person for you
Have you been talking to Abu?

Who’s Abu?
Never mind.

Anyway, I know she really likes you.
Are we talking about your sister?

NO NOT MY SISTER!!!!
Why, she is good looking and has nice boobs.

Because she is married
So are you

That’s different.
Now how is that different?

It just is.
I see, not really but I will pretend I do.

So whom did you have in mind?
L really likes you, she told me herself.

Didn’t she just get married last year?
Yes but she isn’t happy.

To bad, he looked like a nice guy.
HEY, isn’t she pregnant?
Yes, she is due in six months.

Why the fuck did she get pregnant if she is thinking of leaving him?
She wanted to be a mother.
Well that’s nice for her, I am done with raising kids.

So tell me, how did you like the grape flavoured condoms?
They tasted like real grape.

I think I will get the cherry ones next time but what happened to all the grape ones, there should be more?
Ask your sister.

I hope they get my cable up again; it’s getting real boring without soaps.

Have a nice day

Walker