blue moon (2)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Bored Stiff ©

I am sitting here bored stiffer than last weeks road kill.
Spider bait is belting Ghost Riders In The Sky; you’re probably listening to it.
You can hear Nicholas Cage say Let’s Ride at the beginning.

Makes me want to jump on a horse and ride off somewhere.
It would have to be a Clydesdale though, at 250 pound one trip around the park and the horse will be crawling back bow legged like an 80 year old hooker.

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do because I have plenty, more than enough to go around, actually it’s everyone else’s work I am doing because for some reason because I don’t have a fucken 9-5 job I have nothing to do.
You know for a single person who lives on his own I find myself with five dependents.
How the hell does that work out?

Maybe I am bored because I have no cable.
Yes, I am cable less.
The cable man, my brother has been fixing the cable.
That’s why I don’t have any.
My parents do and they don’t even watch fucken cable, only the Greek channel.

I asked him when it will be back up and he said Friday.
I ask him why e cut it off, he said so he could put in new lines.
I asked him why didn’t he run the new lines in first before he cut me off and then it would have been a quick switch when he was ready, he said nothing, just looked into deep space to see if there was actually a God and will save him.

TWIT

Something else that has started around here is my friends are suggesting it’s time AI found myself a girlfriend.
It’s like a conspiracy between people who don’t know each other or have ever met.
Is there a suggestion board out there with Walker’s name on it where people put up suggestions on how to complicate me life more than what it is now.

I’m sitting at Archie’s the other day and a friend of his stopped by for a bit and when she was gone he said to me that she was single.
Yeah so what?
He points out the fact that I was single to.
I point out the fact that he was to.
He said she had big tits.
I said she also had a head like a pumpkin and had more teeth in her purse than her mouth.
Archie thought about it for a second and agreed and we had another beer.

Monday I walk into the corner store and Abu, not his real name but he looks like an Abu asks me if I had a girlfriend or a wife.
Now when people ask that question alarm bells go off because you know it’s a trap of sorts.
I tell him that I didn’t have a wife or girl friend and he tells me that was good.
That could mean many things that usually leads to trouble.

He tells me that he is going to visit his homeland, Ethiopia and that there were a lot of single women there looking for men and he knew one that would be perfect for me.

ETHIOPIA, I don’t want a wife from there!
Aren’t they the ones we see on TV that look like they get to eat once a week?
They are all skinny to with small boobs.

Abu tells me that they have nice boobs and has his hands infront of him trying to show me how big the boobs are.
Like his wife’s boobs he said.
I’ve seen his wife and it’s obvious he doesn’t know what he is talking about.

Then he goes into this lecture about how good it is to have someone at home waiting for you after work.
The guy is at work from 7 am until 11 pm, he doesn’t have a wife he has a maid.
He has a small couch in the store, TVs hanging from the ceiling and a wall full of movies he rents after he watches them first.
The store is his wife.
I told him not to bring me a wife back from Ethiopia.
He said he would bring me back a buffalo.
I told him it better have big tits.

Even Leti is getting in on the picture the other day saying that she is going to dig me up a girlfriend down in Mexico now to.
That’s what you call a friend, you tell her you are ready to have a stiff one and she is will to go out there to dig one up for me.
I was thinking of a scotch on the rocks but what the hell, I told her I hope she finds someone that was buried recently.
I don’t want to end up with a 28 year old stiff buried in 1836, might as well go with Abu’s idea then.

Me being single hasn’t been lost on some of my EX lovers either.

So have you found someone yet?
No, I’m not really looking.

You know, I have the perfect person for you
Have you been talking to Abu?

Who’s Abu?
Never mind.

Anyway, I know she really likes you.
Are we talking about your sister?

NO NOT MY SISTER!!!!
Why, she is good looking and has nice boobs.

Because she is married
So are you

That’s different.
Now how is that different?

It just is.
I see, not really but I will pretend I do.

So whom did you have in mind?
L really likes you, she told me herself.

Didn’t she just get married last year?
Yes but she isn’t happy.

To bad, he looked like a nice guy.
HEY, isn’t she pregnant?

Yes, she is due in six months.

Why the fuck did she get pregnant if she is thinking of leaving him?
She wanted to be a mother.
Well that’s nice for her, I am done with raising kids.

So tell me, how did you like the grape flavoured condoms?
They tasted like real grape.

I think I will get the cherry ones next time but what happened to all the grape ones, there should be more?
Ask your sister.

I hope they get my cable up again; it’s getting real boring without soaps.

Have a nice day

Walker

12 comments:

Dotm said...

I just left you a comment and it must be flying around in outer space.
I was telling you that right now I could use some of your boredom. Yesterday as I was walking thru my side door a honey bee swoomed down and stung me on my bottom lip and wow, did it ever swell. Still swollen, but the pain is gone and it is starting to feel better.
I found a nest up over the door casin and used 1 1/2 cans of spray before yesterday was over. Big mistake. After I knocked down the nest last night I noticed a tiny crack between the boards in the wood under where the bee nest was connected to the house, so I also sprayed into the hole. There must be a tiny opening some place up over my dropped ceiling in my kitchen and the spray must have driven the bees inside. Yesterday I killed 19 bees and so far today I have killed another 60 bees. I once read that there are often as many as 100 bees connected to the same hive and now I am beginning to believe it.
So, if you are still bored. I have a job for you. Come fight the honey bees for me as I am getting tired of walking the whole length of the house to toss the dead ones out the back door. Can`t open the kitchen door or I might let in even more bees as a few are still flying around on my porch.
Wish me luck as I just might need it before this bee fight is over.
Help!! I don`t even dare sit down in my computer chair without first checking for bees and I just turned on my lamp and hope it doesn`t draw more bees. Right now I could use some of your boredom and you know how I hate just sitting around.

jewetts said...

Hey Walker if your that bored come on down to my house. My cupboards have to be cleaned and my floors have to be scrubbed. And after you are done all that I will give you a choclate martini.

Nan said...

I wish I was bored. My little one keeps me more than occupied these days. Enjoy your boredom because it usually doesn't last very long.

Cara said...

Stiff and bored---just pass me what ever you smoking and drinking so I can answer this riddle you left when I feel better.

Anonymous Boxer said...

great song!

Lora_3 said...

Your Frick'en nuts!

What is this music?

And you so wish you were giving someone a ride. On your face that is! HA HA

Maybe we want you to get a girlfriend because we know when the last time you got laid was. What year was that again?

Oh well, may big boob women catch you my dear.

LMAO
Be safe ...

Gypsy said...

When I was single my best friend's mum's opening line to me was always "so have you found a husband yet?" Geez it was tiresome. Everyone means well but after a while you start feeling like there is something odd about you because you don't fit in with what other people think you should be doing. She will be one lucky girl when she finds you ;)

patti_cake said...

Walker honey I have been reading your life and one thing I can say it is never boring! Ever!
I say you and Leti.. well, never mind. Done with raising kids eh?

Peter said...

Yeah, go with the cable Walker.

nachtwache said...

I see Peter has come as reinforcement :) It does seem that people like to hook singles up. I think, if I lost my husband, I'd stay single.
You need to know yourself, what you want.
You sure made the right decisions there. I'm flabbergasted about some people.
Take care and be careful :)

Blazngfyre said...

I am soooooo the wrong person to comment on this 'issue'.
It's so goddamn annoying when people ask that crap!

Shaz said...

You just need more visitors from abroad lol