blue moon (2)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Falling Apart ©

Groan………I’m falling apart.

My shoulder is killing me and now my knee is all messed up.
This is what happens when you have nothing to do and shatter your body and an early age.
For those of you who are new here, when I was young, about seven years old I kissed a girl 4 years older than me and she let me squeeze some titty.
Right after I stepped into the street and got run over.
Didn’t feel a thing until the next day and they washed the hand that did the squeezing with.
That’s when I woke up and found myself hanging off the ceiling with more broken bones than a Lemming that jumped off a cliff.

The shoulder hurts like a SOB when I type or smoke a joint of which I am doing both right now while typing this and am experiencing extreme amounts of pain, I just can’t really feel it right now.

So the shoulder is fucked and the knee is swimming in its socket, the phone rings.
It’s my mother she wants to see me now, this second.
The future of the world is on the line and I have to rush next-door and safe it from disaster.
You see, I’m the go to guy.
The guy that is ready for action at the first ring at the phone, even this early in the morning, 11:30 am.

I tell my mother I would be right over and hang up the phone and swing out of bed and go to stand up and no sooner am I standing I an flopping back down to the bed.
The right leg just gave up.
I got up slowly and I could feel the strain in the knee and the calf muscle.
It’s the same leg I damaged when that hit and run driver thought I was worth scoring some points.

This is not a good thing especially when I am on a mission.
I tried a couple of steps and got to the end of the bed when I knew this was not going to work.
My knee is affected by the weather and I had left the windows open all night and it got pretty cold upstairs.
I reached in and I put on the brace I have for days like this to stabling the knee so I can walk around with less worry it will give up on me.

I tried walking on it and it was a lot better so I went to the washroom and completed the Mission.
Nothing is impossible if you have to go.
I finished the routine in the washroom and met Frick at the bottom of the stairs.
He was doing his “open the can and feed me” ballet.
I feed the cat and go next door to see why my mother so desperately needs to see me now.

I walk into the kitchen and the first thing out of her mouth was “ I hate that T-shirt, throw it away”.
It has a hole in the side and it bugs the hell out of her but I like that damn thing it’s one of my favourite t-shirts, well I only like it because its burgundy and I will probably get another one and toss it or put it in the rag box BUT until then I am wearing it.
Then she tells me we are going shopping for cloth because she wants me to reupholster her chairs.

Helloooooooo ……….cripple here.

She says it’s ok because we are driving not walking, that’s her way of saying “if you’re still breathing you can take me shopping”.
We went to the fabric store to find some seat covers for her chairs and while we were there she asked me if I could re-due some other chairs she had which I said I would, what’s three more chairs.

We got one patter for all the kitchen chairs but for the other ones I suggested we choose the same color for those but different patterns because they were not going to be all in one room but scattered throughout the house.
After choosing what we needed, including more stuffing so I could make them softer to sit on we went back home and back to work.

I while I was looking at her kitchen chairs I could see they were in desperate need of refinishing.
They are nice looking chairs, oak wood but looked like crap because of all the years of use so I told her I will strip down the chairs first before I put on the new seats and they will look like the day they bought them twenty years earlier.

So I took the other three chairs over to my place and started taking them apart.
These are old taverns chairs, tough, sturdy I really like them, my father got them from one of my uncles when he closed down his business.
They had ugly vinyl seats with holes in them but the frame is a dark wood and looks really cool.
They are about sixty years old and have a bit of character to them, add the value of the memories I have while sitting in such a chair when I had my first beer in a pub with old friends, friends that are not around any more to share a beer with, bits and pieces of the past around the house is a good thing.

I took one and turned it upside down in my kitchen and started removing screws to pull the seat off.
After removing the screws I pushed the bottom for it to fall off but it didn’t budge.
I look for more screws but there were none, I push harder, but there was no way it was coming off.
I took a closer look and I figured that the seat was glued to the chair so I decided I would deal with this one last and took another chair and took the screws off of that one and again the bottom wouldn’t come off.
It to was glued to the chair.
That was it.
I put the chair down on the floor on its side and kick the bottom off it to get it loose from the chair.
The next thing I see is a flat torpedo whizzing across the kitchen.

What was that?
I look down at the chair and the seat bottom was there.
I get up and pick up the top of the seat.
The screws I took off held the top of the seat to the other half of the seat that was glued to the chair.
When I kicked the bottom of the chair it took off and decapitated my garbage can in the corner.
I had to give it to those craftsmen, back then they knew how to do things, basic instructions on the bottom of the chair would have been nice too.

Armed with the new info removing the other seats was a piece of cake.
After putting in some stuffing I wrapped the new covers over the seats and screwed them back to the other half of the seat.
It took me about an hour to do them all before I took them back to my mother next door and presented her with the chairs.
She said they really liked the way they turned out and I left while the getting was good.

No sooner had I gotten home when my MSN went off.
It was my friend Leti who is coming here in two weeks.
She was having problems with her online flight reservation and wanted me to call them because they don’t support 1 800 numbers in Mexico.

She sent me the number to call and her account number.
I told her that they wouldn’t give me any info because they want to talk to the person the accounts usually in but she insisted that it was probably a automated system.

Hmmm, ok
What I do for friends.

I call the number and sure enough it was an automated system and they asked for the number which I gave it.
After a few seconds the system comes back and says Hi Leticia to me and then it asked for a password.
Password, she didn’t give me a password.

Walker: Leti, what’s the password.
Leti: I don’t have a password
Walker: But they want a password so there must be one.
Maybe that’s why you couldn’t get on.
Leti: They never gave me a password

I sit there thinking and every fifteen seconds a automated male voice comes on and asks for a password.
What to do………..?

“Please give us your password”.
“I don’t know the stinking password”
“Did you say you didn’t know the stinking password”?


Ring, Ring


Walker: Now we are fucked the phone is ringing and it’s probably the phone police.
Leti: You have phone police in Canada, we don’t have phone police; you have a lot of police there.
Walker: Yeah and they never catch anyone.

A woman comes on the phone and says “Hi Leticia, can I have your password please.

Walker: Leti there is a woman wanting me to give her your password, what do I do now.
Leti: Pretend you are me.
Walker: What do you mean pretend I am you.
How does a 48 year old 250 pound six foot tall Canadian Greek guy pretend to be a 105 pound short Mexican chic, EH?!



Ummm, "SI.”

Can I have you password please”.

What to do now, OH I got it.

“No hablo inglese

There that should take care of that.

Cuál es su contraseña por favor”.


I’m fucked.

So I gave in and told her the truth that I was not actually Leticia but calling for her because they had no 1 800 service in Mexico.
I got a local number for her to call and managed to get them all sent off in the right direction together to get it all resolved.

With all that now out of the way as sat in my chair to watch some TV and the next thing I know I am sliding out of the chair and to the floor.
Now what?

I turn the chair upside down and the metal frame snapped.
My favorite chair, BROKEN, ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just then the doorbell went off and I stomped my way to see who it was and Mike was standing there.
I let him in and we both sat on the couch while he visited.
We don;’t see each other as much as we used to because he works out of town and I am always on the go so when we do hook up we have a joint and catch up.
While we were talking my mother called and asked me to come over, I told her Mike was there but she insisted that it would only take a minute so I excused myself and went to see what she wanted.
When I walked in there was another one of those chairs waiting for me.
She said she had forgotten about this one.
I told her I didn’t have a cover for it because we didn’t buy one.
She said I would figure it out and I walked out with the chair and nothing to put on it.

Back home with Mike now watching me take the chair apart while we talked commented on how easy it was to change the seat tops.
Yeah where was he when I first tried.

After I had the seat top off I went upstairs to look at some fabric I have stored up there.
My ex was into the fashions designing business and I still had couple of dozen bolts of material left when she moved out.
I looked but I couldn’t find anything that would match the other three chairs in design or color.

After smoking a joint with Mike I got an idea.
Mike thought I was nuts and was laughing the whole time I was working on the chair.
When I finished it I took it next door to my mother and she liked it and the color matched the other chairs to.
She asked me where I found the nice burgundy colored material.
I told her I had it hanging around.

With all the chairs now done and Mike on his way home I got to lay down on the new old couch and watch some TV.

This morning when I woke up the phone rang.
Damn phone.
It was my mother and she wanted to see me.
When I got there she had three of the chairs waiting for me in the kitchen.
Now what, did they fall apart?
She told me she now had to many chairs and I could have these three but she was keeping the nice burgundy one.

If she only knew that was my t-shirt on her chair, HA HA HA.

Have a nice day



patti_cake said...

I wish I had the gumption to do some re-upholstering! You are such a jack-of-all-trades and a handy guy to have around re: Leti!

craziequeen said...

wow Walker - I'm impressed!! You are definitely The Man!!
Upholstering a chair with your t'shirt......[falls off chair laughing] and your mom is right, it does match the other chairs!!

I know where to go when I have to call the 'Go To Man' :-))


Anonymous Boxer said...

Dont' laugh too hard... you'll hurt something else... oh, but I was laughing at that last line. Brilliant.

Now, go take a nice hot bath and put your entire body on a heating pad.

Oh, and please have a joint for me.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Wow, no rest for the weary or in pain at your house, is there? Sounds like Mom finds it very handy to have you live next door! :-) The redone chairs actually looked lovely, Walker - and the fourth one covered with your t-shirt, that was just too clever! This was a great read, definitely a smile generator! :-)

Gypsy said...

Sorry to hear that you have so much pain to put up with Walker. You are a clever one aren't you? The chairs look great btw especially the burgundy Now for heavens sake, take it easy for a few days and let your body recover....sheesh.

nachtwache said...

That's too funny! The chairs look great! I feel your pain, my right knee feels inflamed and hurts, Advil to the rescue. My right arm and shoulder are always hurting, but I didn't get so lucky to be floating into the street with bliss and getting hit by a "bus", it's just the repetitive work I do. 7 eh? You started young. Didn't getting run over teach you anything? :) I bought a knee brace, then my son hurt his knee roofing and I let him use it. He'll look for it, because I sure could use it now.
My mom says :"Everybody wants to GET old, but nobody wants to BE old."
Take care, stay off the road after smoking that joint or squeezing, well, you know.

Peter said...

I'll bet you quit squeezing titties for a while after that first one turned out so badly Walker.

Shaz said...

This was so funny but I do empathasize with your pain.
Bloody hit and run drivers, I know how that feels and it sux. I do hope you loosen up and you start to feel better.

PBS said...

Wow, you do have an exciting life! Nice chair! Hope your knee and shoulder ease up for you soon.

gab said...

Chairs are beautiful. But honestly was it your shirt on the one? That would have been the funniest ever. She would now have the shirt she wants you to get rid of on her chair and she cant tell you to get rid of it.
I laughed so hard tring to think of you as female. OMG!
Hope your knees and shoulder start feeling better soon.

Tammi said...

Now I see what I am missing when I don't get my a** in gear and keep caught up w/ my fellow blog-nuts.LOL
Your too cool,you!
A t-shirt?How freakin' original!
You said it was "Just hangin' around"....well,you weren't fibbin'.ha ha

Dotm said...

Great job Walker. I love the finished chairs, even the t-shirt one. I would like to see your Mothers face the day she realizes it was the T-shirt she wanted you to toss away. Maybe she already guess and that`s why she wanted to keep that chair- it had some memories with it.

Dislocated shoulders are no laughing matter. Mine took 5 1/2 months to heal and get back the movement after my fall. Know what you mean, but my Dr at the Hosp. did tell me he was going to pull it back in place before doing it, but it took about 6 hard yanks to get it all the way back from next to my elbow to where it belonged. I used to think just one good hard yank would put it back, but the Dr said he never saw one as low down the arm as mine was. He even showed the exrays to my daughter and told her how bad a job I had done. Guess it was from sliding across the floor on it.
Glad yours went back in place and I hope it stays there in the future.
Time to start taking better care of yourself and that`s an order! Does being old enough to be your mother allow me to say that? Now stop laughing, I just had to ask you to be careful so the pain and damage doesn`t get even more unbearable. You are like me, you do too much for everyone, even when you are in pain. Take it easy once in a while.OK??