blue moon (2)

Saturday, May 19, 2007

What's Up Doc ©

I was watching the news today and saw a bit about how much trouble the guards are having in prisons because of the drug problem among the inmates and they don’t know how to stop it.
They have done everything they could but the inmates find ways to get drugs while in jail.

I personally know this is true and I don’t think it will ever stop because of the freedoms we enjoy in the west.
I remember once Mike came over and said he needed 100 grams of hash for his GF.
What for, she didn’t smoke?
He said she was going to take it to her brother who was in jail.
I asked if she had ever done anything like this before and he said no, this was her first time.
Hmmm, I told him 100 was a fair size chunk and even rolled out it was about 7 inches long and she would have to suitcase it. (Slip it in her pussy to bring in).
He said she could handle that no problem.
I bet she can but can her brother because he will have to do the same after she gave it to him but then again he was in the Pen, who knows what he was putting up there.

People will go to great lengths to get what they want in jail and take the risk to get it, they will even talk others into taking the risk for them.
Some have had family members sneak in contraband for them.
Others have their lawyers bring in some drugs.
There are many ways to get stuff into jail.
I know a guard that used to make a nice bonus bringing in drugs and booze for inmates.

I gave them the hash she wanted and sat there listening to the plan her and her brother had come up with and when I left I told Mike to have a good fuck before she left because I didn’t think she would be back any time soon.

The next day I met Mike out at our hangout and asked him what was up to.
He said he was waiting for the GF.
She had left in the morning and it was 8 pm now, she was gone for about 12 hours and visiting hours were over.
Maybe she went to see family I told him and not to worry.
We partied and headed off home without any word of her.
The next day I found Mike waiting at our hang out and asked him what was up and he said he was waiting for his GF.
Umm well maybe she stopped to see some friends.
We hung out all night drinking beer and getting stoned before we took off for home.

The next day I found Mike at the same place and asked him what he was up to and he said he was still waiting for the GF.
I told him to stop waiting and to find a new GF because I don’t think this one would be coming back.
It turns out I was wrong.
She showed up 8 months later after serving her time for sneaking in drugs into a prison.
By this time Mike had a new GF.

Pills are the biggest problem in jail, particularly Valium because most people don’t remember anything the next day when they have done Valium.
Many a guy has woken up in the infirmary or the hole wondering what happened only to find out as one friend did that he had punched out the warden for no reason and the guards beat the shit out of him after and got 6 more months added to his sentence.
You can always tell who are the pill heads.
They walk around like zombies with the eyes bulging and mouths open with drool running out

I was sitting in the cellblock one day when a new inmate came in and asked if we wanted to smoke a joint.
The guys said sure, I didn’t care I had my own that I got delivered the previous day (Not Telling You How Either and got a micky of whiskey to).
He went to the washroom and came back with a chunk of hash and his hands were covered water and smelled like shit.
He had it up his butt and stood there with his hand stretched out asking who wanted to roll a joint.
I guess that's where the term good shit comes from.
I ummm said no.
There is no way I am smoking anything that came out of someone’s butt and I don’t give a shit if it was wrapped 100 times with saran wrap and in a condom.
It was up someone ass and I am not smoking no ones butt.

Most prisoners that know they are going to be going to jail suitcase drugs.
Some suitcase other things, one person had smuggled in a derringer he had taken apart shoved up his butt and brought in to reassemble.
I wonder if he ever thought of what would have happened if the bullets got to hot and exploded while up there.
That would have been one hell of a fart, would solve the haemorrhoid problem though.
Others had money so they could use in case of an escape or to buy stuff with inside.
It is illegal to have cash in jail because it could be used to help an escapee.

Suit-casing drugs is not the only way to get dugs into a prison.
Everyday before yard-up a guard goes out there to check and make sure everything is ok before the prisoners are let out there.
One guard stays at the door while the other inspects the yard.
This particular day it was taking the guard a long time to come back so the other watching the door decided to go see what was keeping him and saw the guard stretched out on the ground.
There was no one else out there but the guard.
Fearing he may have had a heart attack he hit the panic button alerting the other guards to come to that location and ran outside to see what was wrong with the other guard and to render any assistance until more help arrived.
The other guard lay there unconscious with a growing lump on the side of his head.
By the time the other arrived he was starting to come to and talking.
It seems that he was struck on the side of the head and knock out temporarily.
After inspecting the yard they found a softball filled with drugs that someone threw over the two fences and a wall into the exercise yard for an inmate to find when they were out there.
Since then they have added a higher fence.

When being brought to jail there is a routine for being admitted to prison and this is the meat of this post.
It’s a story told to me by a friend who was serving weekends at the local jail.
You are brought into the reception area and then out into a holding cell.
When everyone who is to be processed is in the reception area the guards come and take each prisoner out one at a time.
First they empty their pockets and everything is written down and put in a large manila envelope with you personally information.
Then you have to strip all your clothes off and they are put in another bag then put with the envelope.
When all your stuff is put away and you are standing there freezing your butt off you are given a towel and told to go shower.
After drying up you have to toss the towel into a bin and go to the desk once more.
While there you are asked to bend over and spread your cheeks as much as you can so the guards inspect your butt visually.
As the other prisoners we watched from the holding cell they heard they guard say what’s that?
It seems this one prisoner was trying to smuggle something into the jail and he would have gotten away with it had it not been for the fact that part the fucken condom was sticking out of his butt.
Can we all say busted?
Everyone in the holding cell was laughing at the poor bastard.
Just imagine what they will be saying about him inside when they all got there.

Buddy did his turn with no problems and was put into a cell with the others that didn’t have half a condom sticking out of their ass.
Then the last guy went through without a hitch and was brought to the holding cell.
Here they had to wait to be assigned to cell block they will be calling home until their time was up.

As there were all sitting there waiting for the guard to take them to their final destination a cell phone went off.
The guards all looked at each other and they all shrugged their shoulders indicating it wasn’t their cell phone.
The phone still rang though but it was coming from behind them and the cell where the prisoners were being held.

The three guards walked over to find four prisoners standing back away from the last guy that joined them and staring at his ringing ass.
The fucken idiot had shoved a cell phone up his butt.
The guards and the prisoners all broke out laughing at the guy then they opened the cell and took him away to be with the condom dude.
Some people just need to have their phone with them all the time I guess or maybe he needed it to order pizza, all I could say is I hope it wasn’t a telemarketer.
If I would have been the guard I would have got his number and sat there calling him until the battery run out.

This only goes to show you that not everyone in jail is a criminal or at least a professional criminal, most are morons.

Have a nice weekend



Angel Without Wings said...

Gotta love the guy with the cell phone up his butt. Why didn't he turn it off first? What a clown!!! I can only imagine what he was in there for. Thanks for the laugh Walker and have a great weekend.

Left in Hell said...

Thats so damn funny.
I immediately thought like karen dickhead should of turned it off aswell.
What a wanker.
My brother spent a few years in the joint and a fair few of the old mates Im afraid to say.
It was not great obviously but he came out huge, like he said, juice and the gym is all there is to do.

Peter said...

I liked the lable "trying to be funny" Walker... you made it buddy... funny as hell.

nachtwache said...

Absolutely, great story telling! Thanks for a good laugh at the start of my day, I needed it. Have a great weekend!

Whispering Hope said...

Lord A Mercy, chile, you sure come up with some stuff!! :)

Walker said...

Angel Without Wings : I guess he was in a hurry but what I want to know is why he didn't have it on vibrate LOL

Walker said...

Left in Hell: You don't have to be afraid to say it. Many people go to jail and it doesn't make them bad people.
I know many people who have been in jail who are upstanding citezens and I know some that have never done anything illegal that deserve to be shot.

Thank you for stopping by

Walker said...

Peter: Thanx.
I try to squeeze a laugh out of people any chance i get. Life is not all serious and not all fun and games soi I try to have a balance. NOT LIKE I BALANCE MY CHEQUE BOOK THOUGHT lol

Walker said...

nachtwache : Thank you. We all need a laugh at least once a day

Walker said...

Whispering Hope: Its not me really, its these people I know.

Shaz said...

Walker that was me accidently under my sisters new blog. Sorry Honey I didnt notice untill you left a message on her blog.
Lovin Ya

Vickie said...

Geeze you took my comment---I was going to say--all he had to do was turn it on vibrate and create a little excitement---Talk about dancing a jig---

itisi said...

Not only did this post make me laugh, but so did your comment about why the guy didn't leave the phone on vibrate! LOL

patti_cake said...

I have to laugh at some of these dumbasses..

My nieces ex just went to jail for selling contraband to prisoners. He worked in radiology in one of our local prisons. He was getting $1,000 for a carton of cigarettes.

Anonymous Boxer said...

This IS funny. I've learned many things from you today.

Suitcase from now on, has a whole new meaning.

Still laughing about the cell phone.

Walker said...

Shaz: Aw its ok, I have done it before undervartious different names :)

Walker said...

Vickie: What I finally beat you to the draw woooohoooo

Walker said...

ItisI: I could just see him walking down the hall vibrating and bhis ass buzzing lol

Walker said...

Patti_Cake: Many of the people in jail are there because they are just plum stupid. If they would stop, think then they would probably go out and get a job.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: I think I was the same way when i first heard it.
Shoving sopmething up there isn't appealing as far as I am concerned and going to jail would be a way to get clean not you hands messed up lol