blue moon (2)

Friday, April 13, 2007

Wedding Date ©

I am beginning to hate shopping well I never really liked shopping.
Last week I got my wedding invitation and it’s in June.
It’s said that you and a guest are formally invited to blah blah blah …….
Guest, I got to find a guest now to?
There is going to be 900 people going to this wedding, surely no one will be out there looking to see if Walker brought a guest.
I could develop a split personality and bring “me” or “myself” but “I” would probably be offended and cause all sorts of trouble.
Not only do I have to go because the groom is the son of my favourite uncle and aunt but I need a suit to wear.
Now, Walker is not a suit person.
Leather and jeans are my regular type of dress but I swore off the monkey suit when I quit my city job.

I have a couple of expensive jackets I own which I mix and match with the 6-7 pairs of dress pants I have but my mother said I need to wear a suit and I don’t own one so I went off to find a suit the other day.

The first place I went to was Sears hoping they had what I liked and I could pick up everything else I needed and save myself a lot of running around.
When buying clothes I have one major rule and that is there can’t be any polyester in the fabric because I tend to get a rash where ever it touches bare skin so the first thing I look at is the tag which tells me what it’s made of and the second is the price which most of the time renders what the fabric is made of mute because it is usually to expensive if it doesn't have synthetic material in it.

It didn’t take me long to find something I liked but I had to find the right size and was digging through all the suits on the rack looking for a 54 which seemed to be elusive in this store.
It was about this time a sales person spotted me and came over to help me find something.
Pulling out his measuring tape he took my measurements and told me I was going to be out of luck because they didn’t carry a size 54 and even if they did I was going to have a problem because of my waist.
I have a 54-inch chest but a 40-inch waist, which apparently is too far apart.
Usually it would be a 48-pant size that came with a size 54-jacket size.
It’s safe to say I am NOT going to gain weight to make the suit manufacturers happy.
After an hour of creating a pile of suits and making me sick of trying on different brands I gave up on the suit for the moment and went off to look for shirts and ties.
I hate ties more than suits BTW.
I wandered around with that little man from the suit department following me around every where bringing me shirts and ties from every corner and rack that had a shirt and tie on in the whole freaking store.
It only goes to show you how busy it was while I was there.
After about half an hour I picked out a black shirt and a burgundy one then found a burgundy and gold silk tie to go with them.
Then I took off to the shoe department for a pair of shoes.
I figured since I was getting a new outfit I might as well go all the way and get shoes also.
There were several pairs I liked but only one had the size I needed so I bought those and now had everything to wear with the suit but the suit.
I took off for Moores which sells mens clothes knowing very well there would be a suit there for me but I knew it was going to cost my top dollar for one there.

I walked to Moores and sat outside the store looking in trying to talk myself to go in while at the same time trying to find a reason not to.
Loosing the argument I walked in and started to browse when a sale woman came up to me and asked if I needed any help.
Sales people must have radar because they are all over you the second you walk into the store and not giving you a chance to look around before you ask for assistance but she was kinda cute so I told her I was looking for a suit.
She asked me what it was for and told her I was going to a wedding and needed something formal.
I told her exactly what I wanted and she asked if I wanted a shirt, tie and shoes also but I told her only the suit.

She took me to the sizes that would fit me and found me a nice black suit made from 100% virgin wool.
How do they know that sheep was a virgin?
I have heard those stories about the lonely Sheppard on the hillside during those cold evenings watching their flock craving some female company and after way to much wine looking for love in all the wrong places.

Damn I hope they washed the wool before they made this suit.
She held the jacket for me to put on and was a perfect fit at the shoulders, chest but the waist would have to be brought in a bit to make it fit properly.
I then took the pants and went into the change room to put them on and came out then put the jacket back on to get a good look how the suit looked on me.
The whole time the sales lady was working with me, there was this man watching us the whole time.
He looked like he worked there to and was watching carefully what she was doing.
Maybe she was new to the store and he was keeping an eye on her.

The pants were way to big but she said she could have them fixed and got on her knees in front of me.
Hmmm been a while since I’ve had a woman like than in front of me.
She slid her hand up the inside of my leg and made sure it was a snug fit there then marked the back where it needed to be brought in then did the same for the length of the pant legs.

When she had finished I went back into the change room to get back into my street clothes but as I was in there I could hear the chatter outside the door.
It was a man talking with the sales lady that had been helping me.
He told her she should have got me to try on a shirt, tie and shoes while I was wearing the suit.
She told him I only wanted a suit and nothing more but he told her that I just thought I didn’t want the other stuff.

When I got out of the change room I was greeted by this Indian man filled with confidence asking me how I liked the suit and that I should try on a shirt and tie to get the proper feel of it and shoes to.
Well who am I to argue with someone who knows what I REALLY want as opposed to what I want.
So he calls out to another sales person to bring me a white shirt and a tie to match it while he ran off to get me a pair of shoes.
The woman had moved off to one side as if discarded.
Did I mention she had nice perky…….umm cheeks?

The men came back and off I went into the change room once more to put on the shirt and pants.
Then came out and put on the shoes and the jacket and stood there in front of the mirror looking like a big penguin.
I hate white shirts which I told him and he offered to get me one that I liked and got me a burgundy one like the one I bought.
After I had changed shirts and got the jacket back on I must admit it all looked good one me and told him that.
That put a big smile on his face the he pulled out an overcoat for me to put on too.
I told him that the wedding was in fucken June and I wouldn’t need one and I had a better one at home than the one he was holding, with that said I went back to the change room hopefully the last time.

When I got out I handed him the clothes and he asked me to fill in my name on the bill.
While I was writing everything down I looked at it and could see what he had put down and he had the suit which I saw the price of for the first time, good thing I didn’t see it before, the shirt, shoes and tie were there also, sneaky bastard.
I told him I didn’t want the other stuff just the suit but he insisted I looked good in it and I agreed but I was there for a suit and I got the other stuff I needed someplace else for a lot cheaper.
They wanted $50 for the shirt. $180 for the shoes and $40 for the tie, the suit was $495.
I told him to take the other stuff off the bill and that took the smart ass “he knows what I want” smile off of his face and when I got to the cash I made sure they put the lady as the person who sold me the suit too.
I got no use for smug idiots, the lady got exactly what I wanted and asked for, so why should that ass get the commission for her work.
Then I told him he was only getting half now and the rest when I pick up the suit.
He said they didn’t work that way and I pointed out to him that I did and he went to the manager then came back with him and he said ok.
Damn right he said ok, I’m probably paying $500 for $100 suit.
After getting all the paper work done I left for home.
It was a long day and I managed to hurt my leg by walking so much on it and could really feet where I tore the muscle with every step I took.
With the suit and what I bought to go with it I am up to $700 in expenses for this wedding, it will be 1000 with the envelope contents.

That takes care of the clothes I am wearing but I still have the “bring a guest” problem.
Where does a guy with a mug like this find a date?

In outer space of course, so I set out looking for my spaced date throughout the galaxy.
How hard can it possibly be?
Captain James Tiberius Kirk always got a date on almost every episode even when he was wearing a girdle, women ran to him.
Mr Spock never saw the logic in to it.
Kirk even got hot and heavy with Ohura on one episode and we had the first interracial kiss on TV.

I wonder if anyone ever asked her if Kirk was a good kisser.

Being a Sci-Fi addict I have seen many movies and there have been some hot looking female aliens like Trance Gemini.

I have never gone out with a purple woman before and it would have been interesting, if her tail hadn't got shot off in one episode.
She kind a lost her appeal after that.

Then there is the original sexy female alien maybe even the sexiest ever.
Barbarella hit the silver screen and became an instant cult favourite among people.

Not all female aliens were sexy; some are just down right dog ugly

and others, just a little bizarre.

Looking back through all the sci-fi movies I have seen I think according to my tastes and we all know I am a big BOOB guy I think I would be inclined to be looking towards Mars for a date.


Have a nice weekend



Chaotic Serenity said...

LOL excellent post! I needed that laugh!
Have a great weekend!

patti_cake said...

Wow Walker that is one 'spensive wedding! Um, I don't think you have to have a date so I wouldn't stress about that part too much! I wish we could see a pic of you all gussied up :)

P.S. The three boob chick is just.. bizarre! It'd be hell to find a bra I can tell her that!

patti_cake said...

Sorry that was me, the boobs must have really discombobulated me! I posted three times!

Susan said...

Ill bet you look like a million bucks. i like dark shirts better than white too. More of an elegant european look to it. I have to get new suits for the boys soon, they grow so much. They get alot of wear out of their suits and are so rough on them.
Thanks for the laughs!
Im sure you will have some good stories for us about that wedding with 900 people to watch.

nachtwache said...

I have a big smile on my face, as usual, you make me laugh. Good for you, how you dealt with that smug salesman! By then, I would have been too sick of trying on any more clothes, I hate shopping for clothes. Thanks for sharing your gift of story telling :)

Sally said...

You must have the patience of a Saint, Walker - trying on those clothes - I would have quit after the suit the first time!

We have very few stores here anymore that actually have sales associates that offer to help. Not even Sears anymore.

Have a great weekend - I enjoyed this post very much. :)

mrhaney said...

hello my friend. you had yourself quite a time at that store. maybe some day i will pay 500 dollars for a suit. i usually get mine at the thrift store. i very seldom go to a store any more. well you might as well treat yourself to some thing nice .

Peter said...

Hi Walker, the girl from Mars remindsof the old story about the girl with two perfect breasts on her back.... not much tp look at, but good fun to dance with.
I have the same problem as you when trying to buy clothes "off the rack" the area of the problem is a bit different though, guys with my waist measurement are supposed to be 8 feet tall!! and I'm just under 6 feet!!
I'm sure your final package of clothing will soften even that harsh face that you present to the world and have the girls (yeah even the ones with big boobs) flocking after you.
Perhaps just for emphasis you could wear a little tag that told of the virgin wool of your apparel, one can never tell just what appeal that may have.

Lora_3 said...

When you pick up the suit make sure the girl got the whole credit for the sale not the asshole.

So do you want all of us to run ads on our blogs looking for a woman with 4 boobs? We love you enough we'll do that for you.

Be safe...

Walker said...

Chaotic Serenity: Thnk you , I hope you have a good one to :)

Walker said...

patti_cake: HEY!!!!!!!!
What do you mean three you trying to short change me, there is four boobs LOL

Walker said...

Susan: I hope i look presentable at least. I am sure i will have plenty to wqrite about after the wedding for months lol

Walker said...

nachtwache: I am happy I made you smile. There was no way I was going to let that guy get credit for her work.
Besides I dont like people trying to force me to buy something i dont want to buy.

Walker said...

Sally: I have patience and if its going to cot me $500 I find more LOL
I am happy you enjoyed this post. :)

Walker said...

MrH: If I could have found a cheaper suit to buy I would have but then again I was in a hurry and wanted this to be over quickly.

Walker said...

Peter: LOL I heward the one with the boobs on the back.
Maybe a set on the front and back would make it more interesting.

Until i lost 80 pounds our measurments were probably the same LOL

With my luck the suit will get more attention than at the wedding lol

Walker said...

Lora: I saw them put her number on my reciept so I know she is getting the sale.

Well if you would like to go on a hunt for that woman but it would be easier just to find me twins and duct tape them together LOL

Brian said...

I remember reading that the network first rejected the script with the Kirk-Uhura kiss and it had to be rewritten to show that Kirk was under control of alien beings and was forced to kiss her against his will.

I've found a lot of hot girls in science fiction movies. So exotic!

Hope you're having a good weekend Walker.

Shaz said...

You are so funny and your suit and shoes and tie sound hot well it better be for the bucks you forked out. lol

I have a wedding in june aswell but its winter here then so I am getting a suit aswell. good idea.

Walker said...

Brian: I remember that, I was young and I am a Trekie so will never forget that episode.
It was a big step for TV back then.
Yes there have been some hot chicks in Sci Fi Movies :)

Walker said...

Shaz: I don;lt have a suit and I guess I should have at least one in the closet.
You will look hot in asuit for shure I will just be sweating hot in mine in June lol

Lindy said...

Well, I'm kinda purple. I have boobs & a cute little tail. And I'd go to the ends of the world with you. You;re so entertaining any girl in her right mind would be tickled to be your guest. Maybe you should just ask someone.

Walker said...

Lindy: You look kinda green but the tail part is appealing and of course the boobs are a bog plus.
I have but she said she is to busy with family :(