blue moon (2)

Sunday, April 01, 2007

5:30 am Rumblins ©

I have been under the weather lately and haven’t had the time to post anything but I have learned to respect the stomach flu like never before.
It was a birthday gift from my father, it seems he needed company being miserable so now I have joined the ranks of other daring gamblers.
You know the symptoms, blotting, stomach cramps, the D word.
Oh the D word, that’s where the gambling comes in.
You’re lying in bed, can’t turn this way, and can’t turn that way.
On your back you get dizzy and that acid taste creeps out of you that make's you wonder, WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT to produce that foul taste.
Then the gas builds up and it has to come out, so you burp.
A little escaped but it’s not enough.
You need to let a lot out to give any comfort.
You need to RELEASE the gas and the only way to do that, is from the other end but you got a problem, the D word.
You can’t really know what will happen if you take the chance, so you trot off to the washroom all night, 20 times and 10 out of the 20 you release gas but it’s a crap shoot, you just don’t know what it will be until it happens.
What you ate before this hit you could also determines how messy it could become.
Like for instance, imagine having eaten corn on the cob before you got sick, well your butt would be firing off like a gatling gun splashing the pea soup beneath you then leaving your butt dripping all over from that backwash when you stood up from the toilet.

Now if you feel adventurous, you could be careful; you know, hold it and gently ease up a little to see what slowly comes out.
Just a little, like a tester to see if it’s safe to let it all out at once and save you a trip to the washroom, but you got to be careful because D is sneaky and slips in when you least expect it an all of a sudden you find yourself lying there frozen because what started out as gas in now liquid.
A liquid that has paralysed you in place because you don’t know the extent of the damage, just that you fucked up because you were to lazy to get up out of bed to go to the washroom.
Just count your blessing you aren’t at a restaurant with lots of people around.
You slide out of bed trying to keep level because you don’t know how much you’re dealing with here.
This is where all those years of dancing the Limbo comes in handy trying keep what's in your shorts in limbo.
This is probably where they got the idea from for that scene in The Exorcist.exorcist
Of course the cats think you're nuts and in the throws of death because that’s what you smell like.
You finally get to the washroom and pull down your short and find out that you have saved the day, have not soiled yourself and are on the toilet.
Then you just fart………..

So armed with this information and some people would say “To much information” you keep going back and forth and so that’s how I have been spending this weekend, running back and forth from the washroom.
In fact it’s 5:30 am now and this was a pit stop after a pit stop to tell you hopefully I will be back soon with a post that isn’t…….well ummmm ……..full of shit.
Enjoy a few observations I have made recently and feel free to add any in my comments which I will include in this post when I am not in the washroom and have a laugh with the joke below.

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You know you’re getting old when:
You need an extra blanket to keep warn
You know your cats are getting old when they are under there with you

You know you’re getting old when:
You can’t smell how nasty the cat food is
You know your cats are getting old when they can and want a piece of your pizza

You know you’re getting old when:
You wake up in the morning and are surprised you woke up
You know your cats are getting old when they see you wake up are excited they don’t have to eat you for their next meal

You know you’re getting old when:
You wake up in the morning with a hardon having a heart attack and only a piss could save you.
You know your cats are getting old when they don’t meet you at the washroom any more.

You know you’re getting old when:
Your joints creak louder than the floor.
You know your cats are getting old when they can only find you by the sounds you body makes

You know you’re getting old when:
You go to a strip club for the free buffet
You know your cats are getting old when they rather eat dry food than wait for me to open a can

You know you’re getting old when:
You fall asleep on the toilet
You know your cats are getting old when live sleep in the litter box because like their last dinner

You know you’re getting old when:
You actually reading the articles in Playboy
You know your cats are getting old when they are reading the articles with you instead of rubbing against you legs

You know you’re getting old when:
A woman with saggy boob is more appealing to the arthritis in your elbows and shoulders
You know when you cats getting old when she snores and farts louder than you

You know you’re getting old when:
You try to weave back the hair that falls out every morning
You know your cat is getting old when they doesn’t mind you combing the loose fur out of her to use to weave into your hair because the colour matches

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A Ghost Story

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"


Have a nice day

Walker

8 comments:

nachtwache said...

I laughed 'till I had tears running down my face :D You do have a way with words, describing real life so descriptive! Must be from experience. You must be feeling somewhat better, that you feel like blogging. Sit tight, it'll be out of your system soon :) Try to have a good day.

Susan said...

You poor lad!
Its all I can say.

Fizzy said...

far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
far far far far far far far far
too much graphic information!!
You old man you

Lora_3 said...

Funny Man!

Thank you for not showing us in pictures! LOL

Be safe...

Chaotic Serenity said...

LOL Hilarious! I hope you are feeling better but really Walker this was just tooo funny! LOL


Happy Belated Birthday!
Take care :)

gab said...

Lol now I have something to look forwards to with my 2 cats! And hey Ive been there with the dreaded D. And I know what you mean do you take the chance or get up and run anyways? Hope your feeling better.

Shaz said...

You just crack me up seriously. Even when I think I couldnt possibly crack a smile, I come here and I unlike you are doubled over with a smile not a strain on my face. (wink)

Your such a darlin.

Get well soon honey.

patti_cake said...

OMG you had me giggling like a fool at the "scene from the Excorcist" line and picture.
Hope you are feeling better Walker!