blue moon (2)

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Getting Showered ©

I would like to thank you all for your birthday wishes on the post below, in your emails and the IMs you bombarded me with.
Thank You.
The greatest gift you can give is your friendship and I know I am a richer person for having so many of you as my friends.
Cheers.
******************************************************************
What post do I write first?
I have a few, like what I have been doing for my Birthday so far, yes I said so far because it’s not over until Sunday after dim sum.
Most of my friends work during the week and can’t really go out and get wasted because they have to go to work in the morning.
So I ask everyone when they want to hook up, I manage to spend time with most of my friends this way and I don’t get as drunk all in one shot, don’t forget I’m getting kinda old to and slowing down.
When I was younger I used to chase the girls, now I take a taxi and drive ahead of them then wait for them to walk by again and again sometimes.
There is a woman here that thinks I have quintuplet twin brothers.
So I should leave that post until I am totally done and write about the date with the 200 women.
Actually it was 174 crazy women.
Ok maybe not crazy but they don’t get out much and let me tell you, it’s a scary thing to see a 20 year old waiter running for his life because he is being chased by a 90 year old woman, more so when she is catching up to him

This all began a couple of months ago when my mother received an invitation to a bridal shower. My cousin who has exactly the same name as me is marring a beautiful young woman who just happens to be a crown attorney.
That in its self is so funny.
When she was first introduced to me she came right out and said, “You’re a bad boy”.
I have no idea what she is talking about.
I think what scared her the most, was that her father knew who I was and we never met but as soon as I walked into their house when they had the engagement party I was catered on and my parents as well then was taken off to the side by her father and he said he remembered me from almost 30 years before, from where and why.
He came a long way from the dump he used to work in I’ll tell you that, if I remember correctly.
He gave me a tour of his house and it was massive, the master bedroom of his house looked like it was 60x40 with a glass-enclosed shower with a dozen showerheads all around that went on at the same time.
I don’t think I have the water pressure for that shower in my house, I would turn it on and all twelve heads would drip onto the floor.
He had an eight-foot vanity for his wife to use, sauna and every washroom gadget you could think of including a toilet lid that goes down on its own.

Anyway they were throwing a bridal shower for the bride and my mother was invited with a lot of my aunts, nieces, and cousins along with many from her side.
This is where age and maturity becomes a very valuable asset.
At 48 years of age I have learned a lot and remember my lessons well and though I laugh and scoff at the ones younger than me for their stupidity of doing things before thinking, my elders think the same of me and use their age as an advantage to save them from any impending force of disaster that might pop up and smack them across the head.
Or in other words I got out smarted by a bunch of old men.

I’m sitting there one afternoon having dinner at my mother’s enjoying my meal when my mother asks me for a favour.
Sure why not, she is my mother.
What’s the worse thing she could ask me to do, kill someone?
She’s my mother I’d do it, besides she would never ask me to do something like that, I think.
Sure what do you want me to do?
Drive me to the bridal shower next week and wait for me there.
Huh, I look at my father who is pretending to be sleeping with a grin on his face.
BASTARD
Just get dad to do it, it’s not like he has anything to do.
He says he doesn’t know where it is its in Kanata.
I give the old man a dirty look; I know he set me up for this so he wouldn’t have to go there.
Well I can draw him a map and he would find it easily.
He says it will be dark when it’s over and he can’t see well at night.
Yeah I bet he can’t see well at night like the way he is deaf when he is in trouble but can hear a cockroach fart 10 miles away.
Fine I will drive you.
Great now can you wrap the gifts when you are finished.
Hmmmmm fine.

Last month my mother received the invite to the bridal shower and in it, it had the store where they had registered what they wanted you to buy for them.
Imagine that, you buy what they want but they make it look like you are choosing, yeah.
You see they give you this loooooooooooooooog list of stuff they would like you to choose from, but you can pick and choose from their wish list making you feel like you're in control, but you're not.

I remember when my Exs were invited to these showers, they used to go out and have fun buying fancy underwear to bring to these things and have fun teasing the bride.
If fact I used to go along because I had to drive them to the mall and it didn’t really bother me to walk into women’s lingerie stores because I had been doing it for as long as I remember with my mother and what’s the big deal, it’s only clothes right.
I don’t know why guys get so nervous…. Oh I think I know, a woman might walk out in a bra and scare you.
Why the hell did you think I used to go with my mother for?
She finally told me last year I didn’t need to go with her any more, crushed me.

My Ex would go in and look through all the pile fancy sexy clothes.
I would walk over and try and figure out how the new hooks, clasps and what ever impenetrable locking mechanism they were inventing to confuse me with when trying to get to my favourite candy.
After about an hour she would have a pile of stuff in her arms and she would go into the changing room.
I asked her once what she was doing and she told me she needed to know how they looked on her first.
OK, we came to shop for someone else and she was in the change room trying on lingerie.
After another thirty minutes of her running in and out asking me what I think and don’t think she was done and walked out with the pile now split in two with some on each arm.
We walked to the cash and she put one pile down and she paid for it, then she put the other pile down and she looked at me and said pay for it.
I learned something a long time ago and that’s sometimes you just shut up and pay for it and this was one of them.
On the way to the car I asked her why she tried on all the lingerie and she said she wanted to know what looked good on her and what didn’t.
Then I said the stupid question, “Why did you make me buy them then”?
She told me I paid for the ones she looked good in and bought the ones she didn’t for the bride.
This is where instinct kicks in and I said nothing of the mater, EVER, well until now and none of you know my Ex so I feel safe, I think.

Now that was an example of what I have been told it was like, I have never been to bridal shower so I have to believe what I am told.
NOW, it’s different.
Now, they have a registry and we, my mother and I are at this store standing at this machine the prints out the sheets of what the couple have submitted that they would like you to buy for them.
Seven sheets squirted out of that box.
Seven!!
We took the sheets and headed off to find something to buy.
My mother has this thing about glasses so she goes right to the glass section.
She chooses a glass from the shelf and admires its style and texture, the way the light reflects off of its sharp corners.
She asks me what I think, I told her I didn’t think it could hold a whole beer.
She told me to shut up and find how much it costs.
I looked on the list to see if it was there and low and behold there it was.
I told my mother they wanted twelve and they were $49.
She said she would buy them.
I was still looking at the sheet and then told her it was $49 dollars each.
That’s when the glass hit the floor and we both stared at the shatter pieces, then at each other.
We looked around and didn’t see anyone so we walked away to the plastic section.
I sat there for a little while looking at was on this list so I could figure out what would be the easiest and cheapest items to buy within what my mother had a budget for.
I looked around the store and noticed some things were on sale, so I looked to see if they were listed on my sheets and many were so we went to look at them.

My mother was willing to spend $200 so I found a $200 crystal vase and a crystal bowl for fruit for $180 but they were both 50% off (Probably marked up 50% to start with).
Seeing it was within her budget she bought those.
When that was done she informed me that she had to shop for the SIL because she was out of town.
Yeah, notice how she says this to me when we are not at home but at the store ready to go home.
So I look at the sheets again and there was a section for bedding they wanted.
Cool, how expensive can bedding be?

$100 FUCKEN DOLLARS FOR TWO PILLOW CASINGS
What are they nuts?
Who the fuck needs $100 freaking pillow casing?
You’re only going to drool all over the fucken things, wrap a towel around the pillow save the money.
Oh yeah it's our money.
A top sheet and bottom sheet for a king size bed was $200, two hundred dollars for two sheets.
I’m looking at my mother and she just tells me that’s what they want.
She paid for the sheets and the pillow casing that were 50% off also but still, $150 for two sheets and two the pillow casings.

I wrapped the gifts, the SIL’s to and signed the cards, then put then away until the 25th when the shower was to be held.
A couple of days later when I was next door there was a bag on the table with a gift in it and when I went to look in my mother said to leave it alone.
My uncle dropped it off because my aunt wasn’t going to be able to go and wanted us to drop it off.
That’s fine I guess, we were going so what’s one more gift.
On Wednesday there was yet another big box on the table that looked like it had been wrapped by a monkey.
My mother said my other aunt dropped it off.
I pointed out the paper and she said my cousin wrapped it but she ran out of paper and only wrapped half of it.
WTF, you spend a hundred bucks on a gift and you use half a roll of toilet paper to wrap half the gift.
My mother just nodded her head; you see my mother is a perfectionist.
I have 32 pounds of cookies in my freezer that she made in the last couple of days.
There is nothing wrong with them other than she didn’t like the colour that they turned out.
They should have been more golden so she was going to toss them out so I took them and put them in the freezer.
I unwrapped the gift and used some of what I still had left to rewrap it, added some bows to.

Sunday comes around and I go next door to get my mother and there are three other aunts there with her ready to go.
HUH
My uncles were sitting there talking to me father.
Well it seems since I WAS, going with my mother I might as well take my other aunts too.
I’m telling you people, the old geezers planned this.
My father and uncles don’t like doing this stuff and my aunts don’t like bringing them anywhere but they know “WALKER” won’t say no.
I feel used, dirty.

Ok you blue haired demons, get in the fucken car and let’s go.
They disappeared from the room into the dinning room, the wrong way but then they came back with their arms full of trays filled with cakes of all kinds and pastries.
Where the hell am I supposed to put all that shit now?
Fuck.
They said they would hold it on their laps.
I’m telling you, they drove me nuts as I drove them to the restaurant.
At on stage while flying down the highway I wanted to lower the windows and let the wind blow honey, phylo pastry and cakes all over the back seat covering them all but I didn’t want to clean up the mess after.

After getting to our destination I had to get out of the car first to take the trays off of their laps so they could get out and then they took the trays and headed off towards the assembled army standing in and around the restaurant door.
Greetings erupted when a new person showed up then they went into the place.
Me, I was at the car with all the gifts, hello what about all of this stuff?
Not only did I have my mother’s gifts, but the SIL’s, the two aunts that dropped them off and now the aunts that just took off with my mother.
I just know my uncles were home laughing at me.

I took half of what was in the trunk and went to the restaurant.
The place was packed with women.
There was a table about 50 feet long that was covered with gifts.
I went over and with the help of the groom's sister I got them placed and went back to get the rest.
I put the rest where the first batch was and stood there looking at the lay up.
They had a buffet with 6 cooks ready to make what you wanted instantly for you while you stood there.
There was another table about the length of the first one covered with home made pastries and another table covered in store bought pastries.
The dinning tables had four bottles of wine on each, per eight people.
I turned to go seeing all of that but the bride’s mother stopped me and said I could stay.
I looked around, outside of the staff I was the only man there, then I imagined what it would be like with me alone here with 200 drunk women, half over the age of sixty.
Naw, I am leaving, poor bastards, the waiters are fucked HA HA HA HA HA

I went out and to the bar across the street, far away from view of those inside.
I didn’t want my cousins to find me, some of them are nuts and would only drag me into something I would have trouble getting out of.
I had a pleasant time at the bar, drank 6 pints in about 3 hours then went to get some Thai food at the restaurant next to the one the Shower was being held in but there was an eviction notice on the windows so I settled for middle eastern food.
I could hear loud screaming as I passed where the party was being held but couldn’t distinguish if it was a waiter’s girly voice shrieking with fear or the bride’s mother ‘s elation of watching her daughter opening and expensive gift she won’t have to buy her now.

After eating I decided to sit in the car and let Baby Blue serenade me while I waited.
Every now and the an drunk cousin or aunt knocked on the glass but I wouldn’t let them in.
I heard the stories, uh uh not going to happen, shooo shooo.
It was about 5:45pm when I saw my mother pop out and come to tell me they were getting ready to leave but she wanted me to drive everyone home because my uncles didn’t need to come because I was already here.
Hmmm
Payback is going to be sweet.

My aunts strolled out glowing like supernovas on a massive sugar rush holding helium filled balloons.
Have you ever tried to stuff helium filled balloons in the trunk?
Gezz.
I went West first then deep South before I started off in the direction of home, North but I needed to hit the beer store first.
When I got there it was close.
It seems they close early on Sunday now.
I just gave my mother a dirty look and got back in the car and drove her home.
Well that was my Sunday and the day before my Birthday.
There was a lesson to be learned here and that’s with age you get experience in dealing with people and they got me good this time but I AM getting older and they won’t be able to fool me all the time.
Wait until next year’s BBQ, I’ll get them.


Have a nice day

Walker

16 comments:

Peter said...

Your family are lucky to have you Walker.

gab said...

First:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Sorry I missed it but Ive been busy trying to pack to go home. Second:
isnt it funny how they not only choose the store they want you to shop in but how they seem to have all the most expensive stuff they can possibally get? I never follow those list. well ok wait I do I see what they want then I go to Wal-mart or Target and buy them the same kind of item at a little bit cheaper price. If they dont like it tough! I dont have that kind of money to spend on them. After all what did they get me when I got married? Um beer! lol
Third:
Now I know why some men cant go into a store without turning beet red but you seem to have loads of fun and I know why. Shhh I wont tell. lol

Shaz said...

You are hilarious and so sweet. I hope my boy has as much respect and restraint as you do. x

patti_cake said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You are such a good hearted person though and they know this. Old people crack me up though.

itisi said...

I love the way you write, it is like we are there. The "blue haired demons" line cracked me up! And by sounds of things, you really did behave yourself...unless of course you left that part out on purpose! LOL

Anonymous said...

I always get some good laughs, reading about your adventures! Wow, how did your cousin meet his intended? Does he have some fancy job? Small world! Or you're famous :) So how is rubbing shoulders with the rich? Making your family poor, having to buy expensive presents. Those were shower gifts? What do they want for wedding gifts?! EEK! Enjoy your prolonged birthday.

Walker said...

Peter: Thanks, I think we are lucky to have each other.
We fight but always join forces when saomething big comes at us.

Walker said...

Gab: Its the newest trend and a way to outfit your new place without having to run out and buy it.
I can see the pradcticality of it and it eliminates the 3 microwaves or 12 toasters.
I think a list with what is needed would do but then again people want things to match.
I think it puts a strain on many who can't afford it

Walker said...

Shaz: I think he will in time, as you get older it's easier to agree than not to LOL

Walker said...

Patti_Cake: yes they are and after some of the anger subsides i find myself laughing.
They do some things before they think that i have to fix after but they have bailed me out of enough trouble so its only fair i return the favor

Walker said...

itisI: I always behave myself :)
I am happy you got a laugh if thats what you mean because if its the other cracking up you are talking about them you did that to yourself LOL

Walker said...

Anonymous : I am happy you get a laugh on my site.
My cousin is a body builder and was a bouncer and some of the biggest clubs in town and met her there one night a number of years ago.
As for rubbing shoulders with the rich they are just like us and from what I understand the bridal shower cost $5000 for the brides mother and they took in about $15000 in gifts.
Now for the wedding, there are 1000 people goiung to be invited anf they expect 900 will show up.
They give money at the wedding.
Its supposed to help them get started.
At about $300 on average a couple(I'm being conservative here)they will taker in a minumum of $30,000 but its more likely to be over $50,000.
The bride's father is paying for the weddingt at a cost of $220 a plate.

Susan said...

A LATE BUT REALLY BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUG TO YOU WALKER.
yOU ALWAYS MAKE ME LAUGH WITH THE STORIES OF YOUR FAMILY!

Lora_3 said...

Reading your post reminded me of this look my dad would get on his face when my mom would ask for his help for one of her functions. LOL

Your Dad and Uncles are in trouble. They know your going to get them. But how?

Be safe...

Walker said...

Susan: Its never to late. I am happy if I made you laugh.

Walker said...

Lora: I have been taking my mother and aubts to these things ever since i got a drivers livence lol.
I don't mind.
Yeah I'll get them but how I don;'t know yet lol