Water Works ©

I just noticed that this is my 500th post.
500, hmmm if you would have told me I would be posting my 500th post on this blog almost 2 years ago I would have probably laughed at you but here I am with number 500 sitting just below this.
I have a number of blogs I post on but this one and Last Soul are the two I enjoy writing on the most.
I do have two others actually one, I can’t find the other one because I decided to change the URL while I was pissed one night and I can’t find it now.
It’s a wonder I found my way home some nights after leaving the pub.
I hope you enjoy post 500 and I will see what I can do about reaching post 1000.

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When your parents start getting older it falls upon some of us, the children to sometimes step up to the plate and do some of the work, like taking them to the doctor for checkups, tests and my personal favourite, shopping.
Not only do you have to step up to the plate and do things for them but sometimes you have to go even beyond that and grow up.
Yes, grow up because even though we are adults we are also kids next to our parents and there are things we never even thought about even in our worse nightmares, like seeing your mother naked.
NOT WANT I WANT TO SEE, but I have.
When my mother was going for her surgery we were all there and the doctor wanted her to undress from the waist up so he could look at her.
Well that was fine by me, I turned to walk out of the room with my father and brother but she asked me to stay.
I pointed to my father and said he’s seen you naked he could keep her company but he said he couldn’t speak English and disappeared out the door.
Hmmm
I looked at my brother but he was turning green already at the thought.
Fine, I stayed, how bad could it be?

OMG!!!!!!!!!…………Don’t ask!!!!!!

When my mother was younger she was a good looking woman, she still is and had a nice rack on her and over the years the Ds didn’t get any smaller but they got fucken longer.
Man she must have to roll them up to get them in her bra.
They should just make bras with a draw sting like blinds for those that need them and why the fuck does she have to take her bra off to have her abdomen looked at?

“Doctor I stubbed my toe”
“Take all you clothes off and let me have a look”

Calls himself a doctor, doesn’t know which end the toe is on or is it a power thing where they know they could make you take your clothes off when ever they want.
Well guess what, I can do that to……..for about 30 bucks at the local strip club.
Then the doctor wants me to come closer to get a look at the spot where they are going to be cutting during the operation.
Ah, I see, right there next to her belly button and under her boob.
Fuck
I feel sorry for my mother and ANYNODY out there that has to be in her position or mine for that matter but it has to be done and humility does out the window in the name of health.
We love our parents as they loved us when they changed our diapers and washed the crap off our butts so doing it out of love is ok but I don’t have to like it.
I just don’t see why I have to SEE where they are going to be cutting ON my mother, they could just point at it or bring in a 20-year-old model for the show and tell part.

My mother has a history of cancer but since her two operations everything is clear and has been for the last six years but because she looks and feels good, doesn’t stop the doctors from being cautious.
So they wanted her to go for and ultra sound this week, actually today was the big day.
She has had a few already and knows what she has to do before she goes there.
My mother will be 80 in September and has had a couple of operations over the years one of which was removing part of her bladder and her gaol bladder due to the cancer.
Before she goes to the hospital they want her to drink two litres of water or half a gallon.
This is the part my mother dreads the most because she has problems drinking that much water in such a short time span.
Every year she devises a new strategy for drinking the water.
Sometimes she starts early in the morning and drinks it all over a period of hours but because she can’t go to the washroom for such a long period of time plus the lack of enough bladder to keep it in she goes crazy.
She tried drinking it all at once one time before she left the house and almost drowned.

This morning I went over to drive her to the hospital and she was sitting at the table waiting for me with a glass of water in front of her.
She said it was the last one and was going to drink it now then picked up the16 ounce glass and drank it in two gulps.
On the way to the hospital she explained to me this years strategy.
She said she woke up in the morning and went for a piss first and emptied herself totally.
Then she started filling up two hours before I was to pick her up and this way she should be able to hold it until she gets checked.
Sounded like a plan but they never work.
I could hear her gasp with every pothole I hit and I wasn’t aiming at them on purpose, really I wasn’t now if it was my father, it might have been another matter.
We got to the hospital without springing a leak along the way and I dropped her off at the door and went to find a parking spot.
She got off the bench she was sitting on when I walked through the doors and we made our way to the elevator and the third floor where radiology is.
I could tell she was already feeling uncomfortable and she was walking a little slower that usual.
We found the room on the third floor where she was supposed to repost and went to the desk.
She was supposed to be there for 12:30 pm and the nurse said they were a little behind and we would have to wait a bit.
When I told my mother what the nurse said I thought she was going to faint.
She said she couldn’t hold it for to long but would try.
12:30 came and went and 1pm was a minute away.
My mother was slowly starting to look like Marty Feldman as she tried to hold in all the water she drank.
She asked me how much loner it would be, like I had a hot line to that back and knew when it will be her turn.
I got up and went and asked at the front desk and the nurse told me they were still backed up a bit but it shouldn’t be much longer.
Easy for her to say, she didn’t have a half a gallon of water sitting in a bladder the size of a shooter glass.
I went back and told my mother they said it wouldn’t be much longer.
1:30 and my mother was almost in tears, desperate for some relief of her load.
The nurse seeing my mother desperate came over and told her she could go to the washroom and let a little out, count one, two, three and stop.
Groping my arm I walked to the washroom and she locked herself in.
I stood outside mentally counting.
Should take 10 seconds to get her pants down and on the toilet and no more than 3 seconds as the nurse instructed.
1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6- 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 – 11 – 12 – 13 – 14 – 15…. it might have taken her a little longer to get her pants down and on the toilet 16 – 17- 18 – 19 – 20 – 21 – 22 – 23….. zippers do get stuck right, I have had a few stick on me 43 – 44 – 45 – 46 – 47 – 49 – 50 – 51…….
A nurse came out and called my mother’s name, I turned and look at the nurse then the door opened behind me and turned to face my mother who was standing at the door of the washroom with the front of her blouse all wet, looking like she just got busted for shoplifting.
My mother’s name was called from behind me again and I turned to tell the nurse this was my mother.
I looked at my mother and she was trying to explain that she tried to stop; she was actually starting to cry.
She said she counted to three but it wouldn’t stop, it just kept coming out of her like a river until it was all gone.
Then she tried to drink more water in the washroom but got more on her than in her.
The nurse came over to see what was the matter and was greeted by a barrage of “I’m sorry” from my mother.
I explained to the nurse what had happened with my mother singing her I’m sorry chorus in the background.
The nurse said it was ok and not to worry about it.
She asked us to sit in the waiting room for a bit.
My mother was relieved to see no one was mad at her.
She asked me if they could make the next appointment at the clinic closer to the house so we wouldn’t have to drive all the way to the hospital.
I told her it wasn’t necessary as the nurse walked over with a jug of water for my mother to drink.
Her eyes almost popped out of her head, balked at the water saying she couldn’t drink any more today but the nurse insisted and for the next 20 minutes she sat there drinking glass after glass.
She got most of it down and gave up but they figured it was enough and got her ultra sound gone.
The second the door opened to the room where she had her ultra sound done in she shot out of there like an Olympic sprinter out of the blocks to the washroom without any need of help.

Later when we were back home, we sat down at the table for lunch and my father put a glass of 7up in front of my mother.
She took one look at the glass and started turning green then flat out refused to have anything to do with it and told me to take it away from in front of her.
My father was shocked, my mother is a soda junkie, she never says no to soda pop but there was no way she was going to drink anything else today.
I wonder what next year’s visit will be like.

I dedicate this post to all of you out there who love your parents and would do anything for them.

Have a nice day

Walker