Gone Shopping Or Hell Bound ©

Limp…..stumble….stagger…..flop
Whoever invented Christmas shopping should be taken out back strapped to a shopping cart and pushed down a steep hill towards a busy intersection.
FUCK!!!!!!!!
80-year-old ladies strapped to shopping carts flying around the store like Mario Andretti without breaks high on cheese and your shin is the deflection they need to turn into the baking isle.
“Hey watch it lady”
“That finger better be checking for wind velocity”.
“Say What?”
“You better watch what you say to me or I’ll dig up your mother and tell on you”
“Gezz, ok lady relax, I’m sorry about the mother crack, here’s a Kleenex wipe your face. I guess as you get older you start getting wet more on the top end than the bottom eh”
“OW!!!!, that hurt, you didn’t have to kick me that hard”.
“That’s it mom, I’m not taking you shopping anymore”.

Shopping with my mother is a workout,’
She scoots up the main isles, stops then sends me to get what she wants.
“What do you mean you want the large one now”?
“Here, you go”.”No you didn’t say two”?
“You said one and I am NOT yelling”.
We came across a sale on chickens so she wanted me to call my father on my cell and ask if he wanted any.
Now my father is getting deaf and doesn’t hear well on the phone to I am in the corner talking loud on the phone asking him if he wants chicken.

What to they look like he asks.
What does he mean what do they look like,
They look like dead chickens with the heads cut off and the feathers gone.
He tells me he wants 20 chickens at 2.50 each.
Throw in 3 legs of lamb and some baby back ribs and shopping was done.
I took Mario home and crashed in my chair for the day.
I wasn’t going out there again.

Today I took the car and went to do some of my shopping.
I am at the super store looking and buying everything I didn’t need like the harvest pie and can of whipped cream.
I finished my shopping and got into a long line behind this woman with a kid.
The little boy turned around and smiled, so I returned it.
He was about six years old.
Well I found out early that the little tyke was friendly as he climbed up the front of my cart to tell me that I had a lot of stuff in it.
His mother turned and told him to get down and apologized to my.
I waved it off and told her it was ok and he could ride the cart if he liked.
It’s not like I was going anywhere but to the cash.
We finally get to the cash; the kid is like a little energizer bunny that just learned how to think along with his newfound use of language.
His mother’s stuff was going down the belt so I started putting mine up and I placed a red onion on and he said apple.
I told him no, it was an onion.
Well for about 30 seconds we argued it out to a stalemate.
Then I put on some pasta and he said they were grapes.
I know the game now he was playing with me so when I put on the pork chops I said boots.
He said no meat.
I told him they were boots like the ones he was wearing but hadn’t been colored yet.
That had him thinking for a bit.
As his mother was paying he points to a chocolate bar and says buy it for me.
His mother heard him and told him no.
I said that his father would buy him one later.
He then told me that I was his father.

It was like the whole store went silent, time froze, and my head started ticking backwards.
The kid is about six years old, what was I doing six years ago.
ARG!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn mushrooms.
His mother broke the silence with a loud firm tone commanding him to her side.
I laughed and told her it was ok and picked up the bar and told the lady at the cash to put it on my bill and gave it to her to give to him when they got home.
She thanked me and apologized to me once more and I told her it was ok, it was the mushrooms.
Puzzled she walked away.

I almost crashed the car on the way home when the thought of a little colored boy running up to my father screaming Papou Papou.
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know how he would handle it.
I know they have softened on their prejudices over the years but when that thought came to mind I started laughing out of control.

I unloaded at the house and then took off to Home Depot with my brother.
It seems there was a 50% sale on DeWalt tools.
When we got there he went one way and I the other
We met up about an hour later.
He showed me a drill he bought I showed him a cactus.
He then pulled out a kit full of high-speed drill bits.
I showed him my Christmas cactus.
He asked me why I always buy plants?
I told him I like plants, they don’t shit on the floor.
He said you need tools to fix things and what would I do if something broke and needed tools to fix it.
I just looked at him, smiled and told him I would borrow his.
I drove home and unloaded for the last time today.
Yes I said today because I haven’t finished shopping yet.
Well I hope you lot have been having a better time of it.



Walker