blue moon (2)

Monday, April 17, 2006

Old Habits Part 3 The Aftermath ©

Seeing some of the reactions from some people, tells me that many truly have no idea about drugs, because if you did, you would have said he didn’t do it from the beginning.
If there was a junkie reading my post he would have hit next blog because he would have known immediately I hadn’t done it.
What junkie can sit there with a $400 rock begging to be smoked and write a 3 fucken hour post before he done it?
A junkie can barely wait to get in the house, cook it and smoke it.
Five minutes tops and after, he can’t remember his name let alone post something.
Despicable, I could give you examples of despicable but they have no place in these posts.
Then there is the other scenario, the one Lisa would have probably preferred.
The one where I would have had me doing the crack and never writing the post.
Would have also meant I may not be here today and you would be wondering what happened to Walker because no one would tell you what happened.
Or do you people think I am suicidal?
Sorry to disapoint some of you if you did.
Do you have any idea how many people disappear off the street every year and other street people just think they moved on when in fact the are dead and buried in a paupers grave because the cops found them in some ally bug eyed and stone cold dead.
I know many of you got worried, but it’s a small worry compared to one of your kids being in the predicament I described to you.
I don’t care if some of you hate me for this post as long as you learned something from it. I never told you I would treat you with kit gloves, up front and personal; no sugar, life at its real truth otherwise it would have been a lie.
The thing is the truth bothers some people they don’t want to know what may happen and when reality sets in they blame the system for not telling them how it is.
If you don’t go learn don’t expect to understand what you don’t know.
If you learn, then you see the signs before the worst becomes reality and may have the chance to stop something before it happens or before it got to bad.
Like I said, you don’t get a memo before something is about to happen you have to see it after, when it’s to late.
The question is, will you be ready to deal with it, if it happens?
Welcome to my world.
Even though I don’t exist in this world anymore, it will always exist in me.
You have just come along for a ride in my head during a night of doing crack.
I know some of you didn’t want to go for the ride which is fine but if you want to truly understand the other side without doing it…………
This is what most users go through.
It’s the one thing you never see on TV or refused to believe it exists until it’s too late.
It’s the one you scoff at and say ”why don’t they just quit” or “why did they start to begin with” or “ how bad could it be” or “it’s just another drug and I can handle it ”or ……… fuck there are an endless amounts of questions from both sides.

I would like to apologize for what I put some people through this weekend but I won’t.
My phone was ringing off the hook and I just sat there watching it.
I knew that first call at 5am was from England and then the ones from the States started pouring in. (I should stop giving out my number)
I just let it ring as I would if I was high on crack.
I know many of you were worried and I did call everyone the next day to tell you I was fine.
But you needed to see this unfold.
It was only one day in a life of a junkie.
Parents go through this every single day when they have a child hooked on something even if that child is 30 years old.
This is what doing crack is like and what it does to people who do it or people with someone in their life that does it.
The feelings of helplessness some of you felt is what many parents/spouses and siblings go through all the time.

All you have read is true and did happen.
Old Habits are the events that occurred on Friday night.
Old Habits 2 are the events that happened in another time many, many years ago but as fresh in my mind as if they may have happened on Friday, early Saturday morning..
What you have read here in the last few days is what actually happens daily to many people around the world.
Don’t think this drug is limited to the seedy side of society.
There are many lawyers, teachers and other professionals addicted to crack.
They join the ranks of housewives, priests and plain people on the street begging for change so they could save enough money up for a 5 minutes buzz.
This IS the life of a junkie, specifically a cocaine junkie.
The person sitting next to you could be a crack user and you wouldn’t know.
Most do it late at night when no one will see them, but you know they are high when you see them.
Their eyes are wide open and the pupils are huge obscuring the color of ones eyes and don’t look you in the eyes, it’s always away.
They can barely speak.
Their mouths are constricted as are their throats and usually struggle to say a word.
Mouth is dry.
They get paranoid and sensitive to all sound.

People that are addicted to drugs have no sense of people other than themselves.
Their main focus is on the high they will receive from their first fix.
The ones after are a desperate quest to get that first buzz which NEVER happens.
That’s the curse.
The not achieving that first buzz again makes you chase the dream even more.
You spend your money striving for it knowing you will never get there but still trying for it.
You will spend all your money but not wanting too and then you will borrow (front) drugs until you are cut off and then will start giving your stuff as collateral to a dealer.
How many women have given their bodies over and over for a fix?
How many 13 year olds have become hookers for a fix?

Most users don’t want to do it and some can avoid it, but the slightest thought and the availability makes most cave in.
People can say what they want to a user but it means nothing; they have to come to terms with it on their own.
Once you start it’s hard to quit.
Cocaine is a mental addiction and the cure for that is simple.
You have to avoid the triggers that cause you to do it.
The number one trigger is booze.
Cocaine sobers you up if you’re drunk, but then you spend all night getting high.
Stress is another trigger.
For me it’s been years since I have done any and I quit on my own.
I do my best to avoid any triggers that would bring on temptation and that’s the only way for me to avoid it.
I have alienated most of my old friends by doing so.
Yes they still ARE my friends for those who questioned that in my first post.
They are in the same boat as I am in and they left me the drugs as a gift and payment for my services.
It would have been wrong for them not too.
This is a sub culture in our society and leaving me the drugs was a sign of proper respect.
It was my choice to do it or get rid of it though.
The test was mine.
The fact that I chose not to means little as well.
As I have NOT done anything more than pot in the last 14 years I would never be able to promise someone I would never do it again and that’s knowing that I would probably die if I ever did.
It all comes down to circumstance and what frame of mind I am in.
It’s a constant fight.
Not that I think of it daily, fact is I never think about it but it’s the familiar triggers that cause the want sometimes.
I am the only one of all the guys who quit that does not do it at all.
For me it’s an easier fight having the fear that it would kill me.
The last time I did, I almost died.
See I’m stupid but I do learn.

When I sat down writing Old Habits, there was nothing in front of me.
I got rid of it immediately, I know my weaknesses better than anyone and 10 more minutes and I may have done it.
So sitting here and writing that post would have been impossible with that shit here. Even the bottle is in the garbage because I can’t stand to look at it.
But it did bring up a flood of memories and feelings past and present, so the triggers were all there.
Even when it was gone my body was screaming at me to have some.
Friday night unfolded as any other Friday night might but the players were a different crowd but in the same bar.
I knew that by the end of the night the talk will shift to cocaine and I will leave as I always do.
Sometime a couple of the guys leave with me for the same reason.
This time it was different and Old Habits was written.

Sitting here for the last 3 days, fielding phone calls, answering emails and talking on msn AND yahoo I have had to tell people what this has been all about.
I wanted you to feel what fear and worry was.
What a parent might go through after the kids have left and they know what they are into or could be into.
I needed you to understand what it’s like to be helpless to help someone you care about.
I wanted to teach parents, people in general what doing this particular drug was like and not having to read a book on what someone thought it was like.
You need to be in the mind of someone on it to know what to fight.
You needed to understand how a person on drugs thinks.
You need to know your enemy.
Did you know the next day after you go to sleep and wake up you don’t need a fix?
You only need one after the first one you do.
So if you don’t do the first one, you never need to do it again.
I know that, that’s why I fight the first one.
I also needed people to know that it’s not hopeless.
This is for the people that have never experience the results of drugs, some of you understand what I have said in these last few posts because you have been there.

I remember one afternoon sitting in a room off the main drag when someone came in to tell me my mother was outside looking all over the street for me.
I could see her through the window but I was getting ready for a smoke and I had no time to go see her.
Besides I had nothing to say to her the drug was my mother now.
She had not seen or heard from me in weeks and was now walking around this part of town looking to see if I was ok.
She came for a week before I went down to see her.
She never gave up on me.

I hope someone has learned something in these last posts besides Walker can be a prick.

MrH, what can I say?
I hope they kept the mold when they made you.
I think everyone should have you on their blog roll.

BTW Telling you I removed the patch in the second line of the first post would have told you I care about my health


No comments: