blue moon (2)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

My Thoughts ©

It’s 3:33 am
I just lost $74,000 on online poker.
It’s ok though, it wasn’t my money, it belongs to someone called Bugsy.
So now I have nothing to do but write a post that’s been bouncing around my head all night.
It’s tune with the last 3.
Relax MrH.
You know I love this man.
I’m seriously thinking of adopting him.
What do you say MrH think you can handle the Greek food.

It’s been a rough weekend for many of us.
Emotions flared………..
To say I have been humbled by how much caring you showed for me a stranger who means nothing to you in the outside world would fall short. That’s more than I from people that know me in person.
Most of you people had no idea what I was telling you and I took the chance to show you knowing I might loose many readers but I needed to do it.
For me and you
I was surprised with many people, stunned with some that emailed me with confessions and disappointed with one, but all have a right to their opinion.
Tell me, was it worth it?
I’ll give you my answer now.

In the last couple of days I have been reading my comments, emails, MSN, Yahoo chats and looking at what EVERYONE said.
I have been absorbing all of this trying to understand what you saw and think.
There was something that kept eating at me so I started from the beginning reading the posts, comments and chat logs.
It wasn’t there.
I saw all you said and all was valid but there was something that touched me.
Going through the emails I received I found it.
This email touched me……… no.
It didn’t touch me but it pushed me back and with two hands buring an emotion deep into my chest I have not felt in a long time.
The whole email was amazing but there was one line in it that did it.
The email was from a very good blog friend.
It brought me closer to this person.
We understood each other and I could feel………I can’t describe it to you.
Here’s the line.

“because it made me feel like I was not alone and less ashamed of my past”

This line says it all.
I understand this feeling so well.
Shame with a dabble of dispair
You feel ashamed after.
You can’t believe that you stooped so low and gave so much away and for what.
What is left to show for all you have spent and given away?
Just an empty shell sitting on the couch all alone in the silence
Might as well be dead
The kitchen is covered in ashes, my fingers are black and I can’t stop grinding my teeth.
How did I go from having everything to having nothing?
What do I tell people………….

To the person whom I borrowed this line from I say, you’re not alone and don’t be ashamed of your past because
1. Material things mean nothing,
2. You survived and moved forward
3. You made what was a dismal past brighter by sharing your story with me and letting me know that I was not alone but with good company.
I have read your email 20 times.

For me this line, the emails and the fact that people told me they learned something they didn’t understand about before clinched it.
If you could understand what someone on drugs is going through you can help them get off when they are ready.
Remember, it has to be on their terms or you risk alienating them forever and once they are out of your sight you have no idea what shape they are in.
You can’t force someone to quit, they have to want too, they just need to get to that level of shame and disgust and when they do, I promise you that they will come for your help in one form or another and that will be the beginning of the end of the nightmare.
But you will have to fight from that moment on and you won’t be fighting a loved one but a greater power.
A hunger that eats away at their will
This is where you sit on them until you see 2 clear bright eyes staring back at you and the black bags under their eyes will fade away in time as the cravings do.

I don’t regret writing these posts


No comments: