blue moon (2)

Monday, March 20, 2006

Going Bananas ©

I have some funny friends.
They don’t try to be funny they just are because of the way they act and when I mean act I don’t say they put on a show.
This is who they really are everyday.
My friend Tom at the moment is in Brazil.
I have known him for more years than I want to remember.
Actually I’m still pissed at him from the last poker game we had.
I caught the fucker dealing off the bottom of the deck and he’s not even good at it.
Anyway, Tom the cheat is in Brazil with his girl friend Maria.
Maria is a native Brazilian in her 50’s Toms age also.
Maria is as mean as they come and she could be sweeter than sweet.
She was over at Archie’s one day two years ago and she was yelling at Tom and yelling at Archie.
She was sweet to me and even sat on my lap at one stage.
After awhile she got up and went home leaving us all there.
Tom looked at me later and asked why Maria never gets mad at me.
I told him it’s because I’ve never fucked her.
He thought about it for awhile then says that it can’t be that because she gets mad at Archie too.
Sitting in my chair looking past Tom, I could see into a death stare from Archie.

Tom has been with her for 25 years and they are suited for each other. She is headstrong and he is a painter with an addiction to gambling.
He plays poker, gin, the horses, dog races he would bet on 2 cockroaches running across the bar and he loves the casino.
When he gets paid she gets all the money required to run her house with off of him and doesn’t care what he does with the rest.
The rest is usually gone the same day he gets paid.
Well Tom hit it big at the casino in August to the tune of 100 grand and we don’t pay taxes on winnings here so he got it all.
He was so happy he gave the boys $1000 each and women were running to him so he could squeeze their boobs for luck.
I still can’t understand if the boob squeeze means the girls get some luck rubbed off on them or are offering Tom the chance to get lucky.
Maria didn’t care whose boobs he was squeezing as long as it was her bra that was the one being stuffed with the money he won.
The next day he decided to go back home with Maria.
He has been to Brazil before but not her home village.
Then after Brazil he is coming home then he is off to Germany to watch the world cup I think and Greece by August.

Tom left for Brazil and Maria’s village 5 weeks ago and there was no call from him.
Rumors were circulating that he had been killed by cannibals and eaten but after thinking about it for a bit we realized Tom hasn’t enough meat on him to feed a starving Chihuahua.
So all this time we have been waiting for some word of Tom.
Well yesterday he called.
He sat on the phone for hours telling about his trip to Maria’s village with Maria grabbing the phone and correcting him periodically.
Tom: The flight was fast and easy.
We were there in 12 hours.
Archie: So you waited this long to call us you SOB.
Tom: No, it took 20 days to get to Maria’s village.
Archie: What!?
Rest of room behind Archie: WHAT!?
Tom: Yea yea she lives in the jungle deep in the Amazon with the monkeys
A slap could be heard from the other end of the phone.
Maria: There were no monkeys, he is the monkey.
Tom: We walked 50 miles to the train
Thud! Bump! Slap!
Maria: We walked 1 mile to the train station.
Tom: It took the train 18 days to go through to where she lived.
They had to jump out all the time to move trees and chop leaves.
We were waiting for the Thud! Bump! Slap! but it never came.
Tom: Then this lion jumped from the tree to the top of the train and hit the hat off my head.
Thud! Bump! Slap!
Maria: It was a coconut that fell from the tree and landed on the train then Tom stuck his head out the window and the wind blew his hat away.
Tom: After the train we had to drive for two days until we got to Maria’s village.
Archie: So you are at Maria’s now.
Tom: Yes
Archie: So how is it?
Tom: they have no toilet you have to go to this hole in the woods.
There is no walls or anything like that, you just go out there and drop your pants and go.
People walk right by you and wave and say good morning.
An animal can come out and eat you while you are sitting there with your pants down going for a shit and no one would know.
Archie: So you have seen animals?
Tom: No, but I know they are there, I can hear them all around like on TV.
There are parrots everywhere and BUGS.
They have bugs as big as dogs here.
Archie: At least they have a phone there and you could call for help if something happened.
Tom: No we had to drive 2 hours to come here to use the phone.
Archie: So what kind of food have you been eating?
Tom: Lots of bananas, coconuts and some fruits I never see before.
There is beef and pigs everywhere and I think we had some monkey last night.
Thud! Bump! Slap!
Maria: Don’t listen to him he is stupid we didn’t eat no monkey it was lizard.

Most of the conversation went along those lines but Tom said a lot of great things about what he saw on the trip through the Amazon.
I wonder if he realizes that was the trip in and he will have to come back the same way.
He talked about beaches that ran for hundreds of miles that have not even stepped on by people.
There are flowers everywhere.
Color full birds flying around
The people are friendly and that with the exchange on Canadian money it’s cheap to be there.
He plans on staying for 4 months before he heads off to Germany.
The rest of the guys will be flying to Greece in August where Tom will hook up with them.
I won’t be going this time but next year maybe as a detour when I go to the UK.
That is what I did when I went out yesterday.
Hung out with friends and talked to one on the phone who is bringing me back a cap from Brazil.
I collect them.
Let’s just hope he doesn’t wear it on the train ride back.


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