Remote Control ©

Ever sit back and let your mind wander?
Of course you have.
Sometimes we day dream
Sometimes we reflect on things we done or seen.
Well, during one of these episodes last Sunday, this came into my head.

I was at Archie’s house watching the football games.
Totally stuffed, I sat on the couch and looked at the remote control.
The remote has been around for many years, longer even than television and it was even wireless.
I remember the first remote I ever seen, it was made by Jerrold.
It had a long cord that look like this tether attached to the back of the television.
It had 30 channels and a switch that changed bandwidths.
You would push down the button and the channel you change, then when you changed the channel the last button would pop up and the new one would stay down.
Then I saw my first wireless remote about 10 years after the Jerrold.
It was with a Hitachi TV.
The ugliest thing you ever saw.
It had three buttons, On/Off Switch, Up/Down Channel and a volume button.
Can you imagine if you had a dish with 1000 channels and you are on channel 3 and want to go to channel 745.
FUCK!!!!
Your program would be over by the time you got there.
Then within five years everyone was making remotes for televisions and they started looking different.
They were COOL!
They had lights and you could be 10 feet away and change the channel.
You could even aim right and bounce the signal off a wall and change the channels.
Then they started making remotes for EVERYTHING.
I had a remote for the TV, Stereo, VCR and the satellite dish.
To watch a movie I had to pick up the TV remote and turn it on then take the VCR and turn that on.
Then get up and put the tape in; then grab the stereo remote to turn on the surround sound.
They finally came out with the all in one remote that is a foot and a half long to replace all those other remotes.
You need a PhD to read and understand the manual.
After deciphering the manual you have to track down all the makes of the remotes your replacing so that you can program them into the new remote.
When all that is done you can put away those other remotes, put away the manual and sit down and relax, until the batteries run out and you got to do it all over again.

Now these are examples of the remotes I have had in the past but let me tell you about my father’s first remote.
It was nothing like we have today.
Noooooooo
It too was an all in one remote.
The batteries never ran out and you could change channels from miles away.
It could turn the TV on/off and change the channels like the ones we have now but it had voice recognition and understood what show he wanted to watch and it would go right to it without my father having to move a muscle.
In fact my father was the co inventor for this remote.
He didn’t make any money on it but he did invest a lot into it.
He called the remote,
Walker.
Yup
Walker go put it on channel 3.
Go turn up the volume
Go find a hockey game.
And he would find ways and reasons to get me off of the couch and turning the channels.
He would say.
Go sit in front of the TV You will see it better from there and while your there put it on channel 13.
As my brother grew up all that training my father gave me came in useful.
Hey LB go put it on channel 3
NO!
What!!!!!!!
I’ll kick the shit out of you, you little shit.
MOM!!!!!!!!!
OK OK Shut up, I’ll change the channel.
Sheeesh, the little fucker learned to use the old remote faster than I learned to use the new one.
So I sucked at learning how to use the old remote but I’m good with the new one I got from Home Depot


Fridays Jokes

SunBathing

Jenny, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Jenny asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Watch Out For Little Old Ladies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone stickshis little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them paid up"....

THE PERFECT MAN

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie.
"He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!"
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

Have a nice weekend

Walker