blue moon (2)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's Just Another Day, Right? ©

I have had mixed feelings about Christmas and this time of year.
It’s just another day in life to me but with some religious significance.
For the most part, being unhappy has prevailed, more so than being happy.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had some really good Christmases and how could I not?
At 46 years old I have had more good experiences than bad but the bad ones overshadow the good by far.

I remember the first time my daughters were old enough to tear open their gifts for the first time without help and even the mere suggestion of helping brought loud screams and tantrums.
There is nothing that could replace the look on a child’s face when he/she opens a package and finds something totally unexpected.
I was a rotten gift receiver. I would pick up a package and would say what was in it before I opened it and more times than not I was right.
It got to the point where my EX would put my gift in 2 boxes so that I wouldn’t know what she had gotten me.

As the years went by and I was living alone, I remember the Holidays where I didn’t see my girls any more.
I haven’t seen them for nearly 5 years now.
It’s my punishment for not taking back their mother when my last relationship ended.
Up until 2 years ago I had bought 30-40 gifts over the years for them and stored them in my closet, just incase they showed up by some twist of fate but it was not to be.
I opted to send them to the boys/girls club 2 years ago to be distributed to the kids that don’t get any.
I’m sure they made someone’s little girls happy.
As much as not seeing my girls saddens me, it’s harder for me seeing what it’s done to my parents who miss them a lot.

I remember one year while sitting eating Christmas dinner and the phone rang. My mother picked it up and called me over.
It was a friend of mine whom I had just left not 12 hours earlier.
We were playing poker and I left to get some sleep and to have dinner with the family.
The guys were having fun and as a joke one of them pulled out a gun and pointed it at another friend as told him if he won another hand he would shoot him.
The gun went off and the other guy was killed with a bullet through the head.
He had 2 kids, and the other guy ended up in jail for 5 years because of the gun. He had two kids too.
He later drank himself to death; he just couldn’t live with what he had done.
He died Christmas Eve.

Even as a kid Christmas yielded its ugly moments.
I remember one time when I was about 7.
I was in the living room with my parents and my baby brother.
There was a turkey in the oven when the place started filling up with smoke.
My father ran to the kitchen and found the oven on fire.
He shut it off and opened it up and there was nothing burnt.
The turkey was fine and nothing had spilt to cause all of this.
My father wrote it off and turned the oven back on and we went back to the living room.
We were there for about 30 minutes when the phone rang.
It was from my mother’s brother in Greece.
Her father had died 30 minutes earlier from colon cancer.
Makes you wonder a bit, doesn’t it.
Let’s fast forward to four years ago about this time.
My mother was having some problems and went to see the doctor.
Within a week we learned she had colon cancer and it had to be dealt with immediately.
Her first surgery was a success but revealed that the tumor was not the size of a peach but the size of a football and another surgery had to be done to remove that one.
The operation was on the 24th of December at 8 am and ended at 2pm due to complications and my mother’s heart had stopped during that time.
We all sat in the waiting room the whole time waiting to find out what the verdict was only to find out that they got it all but were not sure of the extent of the damages.
The decision for her to have the surgery was mine and mine alone.
No one wanted to make the choice so I took it upon myself to go for it and the rest stood by to cheer a positive result or to blame me if it went wrong.
We celebrated Christmas on January 7th that year which is the original date of Christmas and this will be the 5th Christmas my mother will celebrate since her operation.

I do believe in the Christmas spirit and I do give because it makes me feel good to do so.
There was this one time I walked into the local park where the bums sleep and brought them all a bottle of XXX Sherry.
I bought the case and just went in and handed them out and had a drink with them.
The stuff tastes horrible BTW.
But I figured they shouldn’t have to beg for the Christmas cheer.

At any rate, I spend most of my Holidays alone, hoping that everything will be good and if not I would prefer I be disappointed by myself at home with only my cats who know what to do when I am down.
My friends and family always try to get me out of here but I am reluctant to do so.
It was just safer this way for me.
This year I am venturing out and going to NZ to be with the woman I love so I have not doubt that it will be the best holiday season that I have had in a long time so my streak of bad Holidays ends here.

I hope all of you will be as happy as I will.

Before I close this post I want to answer a question asked me in an email awhile back.
I was asked as a man do I find it awkward expressing love for someone in an open forum such as a blog.
The answer is, the truth is not awkward.



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