blue moon (2)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

....When I Was A Gherkin ©

That love letter was written by a 10 year old Walker to a 24 year old woman.
Not bad, eh?
My uncle Nick was somewhat of a womanizer and had a string of women after him constantly.
He was good looking in fact he looked like a young Elvis back then. He now looks like the fat Elvis.
His only problem was that he didn’t speak English and I had to do the translating when I was around or when he got a letter. I also was in charge of writing responses to the letters.
Remembering back to that stage of my life I don’t recall I had any interest in girls. In fact my one and only attempt had resulted in me getting run over and being put into traction for almost 2 years.

A letter would arrive and I would read it to him and then he would laugh and say answer it and give it to him so he could go mail it off.
These women would eat up all of the stuff I wrote in the letters. I know this because my uncle would come up to me later and ask me what I wrote because they would be falling all over him. One bought him a car for fucks sake.
It wasn’t long before I was writing letters for two of my uncle’s friends also.
What I would do for a dime back then.
You want to know a secret. “Looks around room to make sure no one is listening”
I used to copy them and they mailed the same letter to all their GFs. Ha Ha Ha, 3 dimes for the work of one.

Now do you see that letter I posted yesterday?
That letter was written while I was in Greece for three months with my uncle.
That trip had 2 purposes.
One was my introduction to my culture.
I was to learn how I was supposed to be.
After all I was Greek as far as my parents were concerned and not Canadian.
Well that didn’t go so well.
You see I was viewed as inferior by all of the other kids because I was Canadian (See they knew I was a Canuck pffft parents).
My best friend in the world ‘M’ was the first one to brace me.
This was the first time we ever met, I splattered his butt on the ground so fast and hard he’s still rubbing it.
Well from then on we were good friends and he brought me around to meet all the guys he wanted thumped.
I could ramble on with this but I will save the rest for another post.
The second reason we were in Greece was to find my uncle a wife.
That letter I wrote was in response to one he received that day.
I was instructed what to write.
BTW this was the day before his wedding.
Now at the age that I was and with what I had seen and done I was curious about why I was to write the letter that way and not tell her that he was getting married.
I asked him and he told me to mind my own business.
Did I mention that his wife is 2 ½ years older than me?
You do the math I did the writing.

But all of that is another post all together too.
WHAT I really WANT to bring out here is this.
These guys can’t speak a FUCKEN word of English.
But yet they think they wrote them love letters.
WHAT, I can’t speak eeeeuglissss but I write fluently. DUH
I did all the work and they got FUCKED!!!!!
What did I get?
I’m the one that should have gotten FUCKED …….
……Ok maybe not with the Gherkin I was packing at that age. I needed 2 more years. But still a booby squeeze would have been nice. (Far away from traffic of course).
Do you know how many FUCKEN Harlequin Romance books I had to read to get ideas?
The covers alone made me sick..
How many people lived like they did on those covers....

I seem to be drifting into another post or rant for another day again.
Bottom line,
I wrote my first love letter when I was 10.

Have a great weekend


Food For Thought

Here is a little something I dug up.


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Sense had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons such as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (Don't spend more than you earn.) and reliable parenting strategies (Adults, not kids, are in charge.).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Fridays Jokes

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on LittleVito.
He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot.
"The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like yourthinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking thesides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the icecream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal,replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and suckedthe cone."
To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" inarithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?
"The teacher asked me:'How much is 2x3'? I said '6," replies Little Vito.
"But that's right!"says Little Vito's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito's father.
"That's what I said!"


Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we are goingto learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of amulti-syllable word?"
Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogerssmiles and says,
"Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."
Little Vitosays, "No, Miss Rogers.
You're thinking of a blowjob."


Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use inthis situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow youto go."
Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the samesentence twice correctly.
First, she called on little Suzie, whoresponded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and shelooked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out to be beautiful."She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito.
He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful . . . just fucking beautiful!'"

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar afteranother. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Vito answered, "No. He minded his own fucking business."

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