blue moon (2)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Couch Condom ©

Have you ever seen those people who are obsessed with keeping things they buy absolutely new like the day that they got them?
I remember my mother’s first couch. She went out and got that see through plastic that always managed to get stuck to any exposed skin that touches it and then you are fighting to get free because it has now decided to suck the life out of the back your thighs. Or what about when you pass out on it and you sweat profusely because the damn thing doesn’t breathe and you wake up in a puddle of sweat.
Well get ready, it has evolved to new levels.
Let’s start with my mother, and go to the couch.
It had to be the ugliest couch ever made.
Its color was a cross between ugly green and ugly blue.
Not only was it ugly but it was made of a polyester fabric that felt like sand paper when you sat on it.
She had the couch for 15 years and it still looked like the day she bought it when she gave it to me.
That’s right folks she gave me the damn thing when I got my own place.
It was like a grumpy parent who moves in with you.
It scared my friends away when they came by just like my father did when I lived at home.
To tell you that I was heart broken when the dog ate it would be a bald face lie. When I told my mother that I threw it out she freaked and told me it was the best couch ever made and how could I let it be ruined.
Frankly if it was the best couch ever made she wouldn’t have given it to me and bought that nice one she STILL has and has had for the last 25 yeas.
NO it’s not covered with plastic.
My mother grew out of that.
Yup, no plastic we were just not allowed to go in the living room to sit on it, NEVER!!!!
Even today we can’t go in there and the damn thing is brand fucken new.
You see it was for guests, who were only allowed to look at it but not sit on it. They stood in the hallway and admired the way it looked and were awed bythe comfortasble looking cussons that were on it. Then they were taken to the kitchen to sit on the rock hard uncomfortable chairs at the table.
Now this does not only apply to the couch and chair.
A couple of months ago they went out and bought a brand new stove.
I went by the day after they delivered it and the console with the dials was covered in Saran wrap.
I asked what was this all about and was told that they didn’t want to get it dirty and oily. They turn the dials on from the outside of the wrap.
I’m sorry but this a little too much.
Now my mother is not the only one like this because I could remember when I was a kid many people had their couches covered so they wouldn’t get dirty, but I don’t recall the stoves having plastic.
I have this belief that one day I will go over and find my niece covered in saran wrap to keep her preserved.
Now my mother is not the only one in the family with this habit of covering things with plastic;
My brother it seems to believe along the same lines.
He has his remotes all wrapped up in saran wrap so that no one gets their finger prints on them. It looks like something a mummy would have.
I was holding it and trying to find the right buttons and failed because there was so much wrap on it I couldn’t see the numbers. I had his TV doing everything but change the channel. He also has every box for every item that he has ever bough in case he needs to move and he could put it in its own package.
Now this doesn’t sound to bad but he has gotten rid of some of the stuff that go in the boxes but he still keeps them and starts getting angry at the mention of throwing it out.
Personally I use my furniture and everyone can sit on my couch. I do have them covered with a sheet because of my cat but I take it off when someone comes over.
I have had them treated so they can’t stain and I enjoy using them as much as I can.
Do any of you know people like this or do your remember the plastic on the couch when you were a kid?

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