blue moon (2)

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Cereal ©

Man did I fuck up today.
I made the mistake of telling my parents I needed cereal.
I’m not that picky when it comes to cereal, just get me Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and that’s it. I said to them, the one with the rooster on the front of the box.
What do they get me, not that one of course?
This all started with my doctor, the trouble maker who thinks I needed more fibre. It’s not that I can’t go to the toilet; he just decided I needed fibre.
Fine if it’s fibre I need, bring on the cereal.
Back to my screw up, my parents get me 3 different kinds of cereal. Apparently they couldn’t find the one I want, so they took it upon themselves to choose some for me. That’s nice of them you are thinking now. Did I ever mention they don’t read English well?
They bought me CRAP, well crap to me anyhow.
“All Bran”, tasteless cereal that looks like it belongs in a hamster bowl.
You put milk in it and if you wait for a couple of minutes, it turns into a bowl of mud. I won’t even describe the color to you, but it tastes like it looks.
Next “Raisin bran”, I sat there picking out the raisins which by the way get hard as rocks once the cold milk lands on them. It becomes a jaw exercise just eating the raisins.
Now the best one of the lot is called, “Flax Plus”. WTF is that you may ask? Well it’s a multi bran cereal. I hate eating one bran, and now I have to contend a multitude of brans, GREAT!!!!!!!!!!
The box says, ‘stays crunchy with every bite’.
Fucken right it does.
The stuff is so bad the milk is scared to go near it and collects around the side of the bowl. Even the sugar repels off of it, like if it was scotch guarded.
The box says High Fibre, No Chemical Pesticides, Whole Grain, Nothing Artificial.
WHAT!!!!!! breakfast without my chemical pesticides, where will I get my early morning buzz?
I want to know what fucken company puts chemical pesticides in it. What the hell have I been eating all these years, what do you mean No Pesticides. So if you don’t put chemical pesticides in your cereal does that mean you put organic pesticides in YOUR cereal?
Do I really want to eat any form of pesticide?
I can see them at the factory right now in my head, everyone wearing masks so they don’t breathe on the cereal, and head nets so that a hair won’t fall in, not to mention the surgical gloves in case a hand brushes by a flake, heaven forbid. Everyone is sterilized and sanitary so what do we do now….
GET THE PESTICEDES and toss them in.
Next, what is OMEGA-3?
What happened to Omega-1 and Omega-2 and is there an Omega -4?
Am I getting ripped off?
FLAX, how appealing does that sound? Hey man lets go out for some Flax for breaky today. Sound like a beating to me. I got Flaxed last night on the way home from the bar.
Where the fuck is my Frosted Flakes, Capt n Crunch or my Chocula, my Lucky Charms or my Apple Jacks, and why don’t Apple Jacks taste like apples.
They don’t even have apples in them, what’s with that?
I would probably get more fibre if I stuck a carrot up my ass, it would also take care of my yearly ass poke, by the doctor.
Well I’m not eating it, none of it.
You know what; I’m having a Blue Berry Muffin with butter and fuck the doctor.
Where’s the Metamucil?

What’s you favorite cereal?


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