blue moon (2)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Haunted Throne ©

So you walk into your parent’s house and find them huddle in the corner.
I’m thinking someone farted and they were hiding from the smell but no it wasn’t, it was the haunted toilet that had them freaked out.

Haunted toilet?
What, what the fuck is a haunted toilet?
What toilet is haunted?
Can toilets be haunted?

I mean I can see the benefits in haunting a toilet, all that sweet pussy sitting on your face.
That would be something until the diarrhea hits you between the eyes that is or some fat guy sits down and drops a log in your eye.
That’d hurt.

So I ask them, what haunted toilet?
My mother says the toilet in the basement is haunted, it flushes by its self.


She says she sits on the toilet and when she is done and goes to flush it does it before she has a chance too.
I look at her thinking COO COO
I look at my father next to her and he is nodding his head telling me it does it to him too
He went for a piss and when he was done it flushed itself without him doing anything.
I’m thinking I need to check their prescriptions.
How much wine did you have with lunch?

My parents got this old toilet in the basement that must be at least thirty years old so it nothing fancy like some of the new ones out there that flushes it’s self.
The only thing new on it was the valve on the inside I changed last year.
Fucken thing is so old I am scared to put my hand in it so I didn’t catch whatever lives in it.

My mother says my brother is down there now trying to get rid of the problem.
Yeah, probably down there peeing on the seat.
I start towards the basement to see this possessed toilet when my brother came up and tells me it’s the weirdest thing he ever seen, the toilet flushes it’s self.

What the hell is wrong with these people?
I go down there and like an idiot I stand in front of the toilet and wait for it to flush.
Fifteen minutes I stood there staring at this ancient porcelain bowl waiting for it to open bowels of hell and swallow a gulp of water.

I pull the top off and look in.
What was I looking for?
I have no idea.
A Poltergeist maybe?

There was nothing there but water and the valve.
So, what now?
I flushed it and it did its thing.

Now what?
I stand there watching the tank fill.

It fills to where it’s supposed to and stops.
I wait
I listen
I don’t hear anything

I nudge the tank just in case the ghost of past shits has fallen asleep.
Nope, nothing

I put the lid back on and stand back to watch it for about ten minutes.
Sort of giving it one more chance to prove me wrong but it was a silent ten minutes.
“Fuck this”,
I turn to go out of the washroom and stop.

Maybe I got to piss in it?
This is ridiculous and walk out to the stairs then go back to the washroom and close the door behind me.
I’m an idiot

I stand in front of the toilet but don’t have to go.
So I turn the tap on and in about five minutes I’m making ripples in the center of the bowl.
When I’m done I pull up my fly and the toilet flushed.


I stood there watching the bowl empty then refill.
This isn’t possible.
You got to do something bad to be made to haunt a toilet bowl I'm thinking then cursed to get stuck in a Greek’s house that loves eating lentils regularly.

Not satisfied with the possessed toilet theory I pull the top off the tank again and look in.
Water and the valve.
I’m looking at the valve and thinking about when I installed it.
It’s one of these fancy things that you can adjust to make it fill less water in the tank.
Up until recently it worked perfectly.
I look closely and there is a button on it and it was pushed down so I flipped it up.
I didn’t know what it was for but it was a button so I got to flip it up.
Nothing happened so it didn’t really matter.

My father, he who never throws anything away brought me the paperwork for the valve and after ten minutes of reading I learned that the switch enables the toilet to refreshes itself if you so choose.

I find that funny.
Something designed to help conserve gives you the option to waste more that a normal toilet.
I look at my father and ask him if he has been playing inside the toilet tank.
He said no.
He lied.
I know when he lies.

My mother told me he was tinkering with it a few weeks earlier and he said he only changed the flex pipe.
Uh huh and why was he in the tank?

When my father sees something he doesn’t understand he has to touch it.

I waited an hour in the kitchen and we didn’t hear the toilet flush again on its own so the mystery of the haunted toilet is solved.
After that I went home having a little chuckle to myself all the way up to the washroom and onto toilet when it rose up and bit my ass.
The toilet seat snapped as I sat on it and bit my butt.

Why not.

Have a nice day



Liane said...

LLLOOOOLLLLL.... you did it again... I am laughing out loud as I sit here all by myself ;-) thanks for that... and yes, how funny to create something to conserve only to put an option of wasting more with it.. haunted

(i responded to your comment on my blog.. you need to join (or follow) me there ;-) ) big hugs!!!

Gledwood said...

If any other room can get haunted then surely the smallest room can.

Do you think ghosts have real parpy farts or spluttery ones? Just wondering.

Frankly I'm surprised Darth Vader actually has an anus to fart out of, or did you read about it in a Mills and Boon?

Please explain all ;->...

PS did you get yourself a decent inhaler yet? You really do need a doctor'sa ppointment about that wheezing of yours!!

Gledwood said...

Akh. Fucking typos. Doctorsa ppointments. I'm always going to them. I'm learning Klingon, too. Always getting Klingon grammar mixed up with English. That's my excuse...

Walker said...

Liane: being one who is favor of technology some of it befuddles me.
Maybe some habits are to hard to stop or they need to create new problems to solve.

Walker said...

Gledwood: I'm thinking it would be like blowing smoke out of their ass.
Oh no he has an anus.
It helps him balance the light saber.
Yes, yes, they installed a hepa filter and added a little helium to the oxygen mix so the the voice sounds much younger.

I only Speak Klingon in a fight.

Boxer said...

just waiting for the day when your family gets its own reality TV show.

Peter said...

My God I'm glad that didn't happen to me, the troubles I have when "Fixing" plumbing fixtures is unbelievable.

Blogget Jones said...

Absolutely hilarious! Hey, those Roto-Rooter Ghost Hunter guys got nothin' on you!!

:o) BJ

BlazngScarlet said...

I think you should hire the lady from "Poltergeist" to cleanse the toilet!

Oh wait ... she's dead.

"Run to the light Carol Ann!"

I'm with Boxer .... have you contacted CBC about "My REAL Big, Fat Greek Family"? lol