blue moon (2)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Blinded By Tartar Buildup ©

Let’s see, what do I write about?
Life is busy and full.
When does fucken school start again?

What have I been up to?
Let’s see, I went to the dentist and she cleaned my teeth and as soon as I looked at them after in the mirror I went blind.
No word of a lie.
I couldn’t see fuck all for a week.

She said, “What do you think”, I looked and the nosepiece for my glasses just parted and that was the end of my eyesight.
Worse part was I was at the mall and I can’t drive without my glasses.
In fact I’m blind as a bat when I don’t have them on.

After feebly trying to attach them to my face for thirty minutes I remembered the new little marvel my parents got installed in the car.
Taking it off the dashboard then looking through squinting eyes trying to focus, I managed to program the GPS with my address.
D2 thought it was a great idea.
Yeah she came with me to the dentist too.
She hasn’t been to one for most of her life and when the dentist took one look at her teeth she told D2 the inside of her mouth looked like a par nine golf course as she had nine cavities.

All strapped in, I look out the window and all I could see was the light at the end of the tunnel.
I knew I was fucked.
I figure even though I couldn’t see the GPS would steer me home.
Smart eh, not really.
I mean, they can get the stupid thing to tell you where to turn but you’d think some dumb shit would have made it to tell you when the fucken light turns red or there’s a stop sign up ahead.
It didn’t help having D2’s screams piercing my ears and drool splashing the right side of my face.
After about three minutes of driving down the street as well as Ray Charles I pulled over to think of something else.
Where’s the Seeing-Eye Stripper when you need one.

You’re laughing eh but I know what I am talking about.
Just think of it, the blind person can’t see the naked woman but everyone else can.
The sight of her would make the traffic stop so the blind guy can cross the street safely.
And you all thought I was just a pervert when I have purpose and thoughtful reasons for my perversions.
I mean they do it for accidents that they can’t even fucken see, then get into one themselves and no one stops for the dog.
The only thing the dog is really good for is handcuffing the blind person to because when the dog sees a car barreling down on them the only thing it’s thinking is “Fuck the blind guy, they’ll tie a new one to me” and making a run for the other side.
Don’t tell me none of you have seen German Sheppard running across a parking lot dragging some guy tied to the leash?

So I’m parked on a flowerbed in front of some lawyer’s office trying to figure out how to get home.
D2 was screaming something about a queer carrying a pail, actually she wasn’t.
She just had her teeth fixed and she was having problems speaking with her lips frozen
Later when her face wasn’t frozen she told me she was screaming, “The wheel is on a squirrels tail”.
An honest mistake

I gave myself a headache staring at the stupid glasses trying to focus enough to see if I could find a solution to this problem.
Fishing through the glove box I found a tube of crazy glue, some duct tape, screwdriver, panty hose, some band aids and the car manual.
Standard supplies for a car.

I tried crazy gluing them together but that didn’t.
Stupid things are titanium.
Then I tried duct tapping them together but I couldn’t see through the lenses because they were covered with duct tape.
I sat there busting my head thinking of what I could do to get the glasses on my face long enough to get the fucken car home and after that it didn’t matter I could walk anywhere I had too.
Band aids, pantyhose, hmmmmmmmmm

I was flying down the highway trying to get home as fast as possible before something happened and I had a lot of explaining to do.
I looked over at D2 and she had slid down below the dashboard as the car raced home.
So far everything was going good and I was zipping along but I would have to get off the Queensway eventually and go down to the main road but at least I could get off close to home.

I pulled onto the off ramp leading to my place and peeled through the light as it turned yellow but I knew I really had to step on it to make the other one because they are seconds apart but as luck would have it someone was in front of me and I got caught at the red light.
I kept my cool and stared straight ahead but I had an urge to look to my right.
I did my best to fight it off but as I saw the light on the other side turn yellow I slowly turned my head and looked into the bulging eyes of a couple in the car next to me then took off with the green light and around the corner of the next block and up my laneway where I stopped in front of my father who had just came out of the garden.
He was carrying a bucked and wearing a funny straw hat.

I opened the door and stepped out of the car.
The bucket fell out of his hand and he stood there staring at me.
The door on the other side of the car opened and my father looked over but didn’t see anything but the door close and the sound of running feet.

My father looked back and me and asked if it was Halloween again?
I looked down at my feet and the pantyhose legs hung down from my head across my chest lat a vest.
I pulled them off and the old man took a step back.

Twelve band-aids were crisscrossed taping the halves of the glasses to my head with two big one making a pink “X” between my eyes but that wasn’t enough so I pulled the pantyhose over my head to help keep them snug to my face while I drove home.
Good thing the cops didn’t see me.

It’s been two weeks since that day and I have my eyes back once more.
Getting new glasses was a nightmare.
I couldn’t see to pick new frames because mine were discontinued so this Asian guy who barely spoke English picked them for me so I now look like a Pokemon.
All I need is Sailor Moon bending over in front of me to complete the frame.

My Bbq is this weekend and I have lots to do to get ready but I will do my best to get back here before then.
When does school start again?

Have a nice day



Joanna Cake said...

Damn, I know what you mean cos Im blind without my glasses/lenses and it is just so hard to choose new frames let alone do anything else. I dont wear pantyhose tho... so Id have been stuffed :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm longsighted so I don't need my glasses for driving. But I'm totally lost without them for computer work or reading. Ageing is lovely, isn't it?

BlazngScarlet said...

Only you could go the dentist and come out blind.
Of course, I figured maybe the hygienists tits poked your eyeballs out.
It could happen.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Hi there! stopping by to say hellooooooooooooo awooooooO!

Suzanne said...

You know it funny honey. I can't see up close, I can't see far away and have difficulty with everything inbetween. What's up with that?

I love this post. Happy BBQ!


Boxer said...

and just when does school start?

Have a wonderful BBQ. This is my third summer of haring about it, so come back and post about it.

In the mean time.... when does school start?

deni said...

Hey just stopping by to see how my Big Bro is doing, apparently you are still up to your old shenanigans. LOL

Monogram Queen said...

Hello my friend, I was thinking about you and decided to drop by. We are having "visitors" at work today = I can sit on my ass and surf the 'net and look pretty for about 85% of it except when I have to take them out to lunch. Someone else will be walking them around ergo the dog-and-pony-show. I don't do that!

Rainbow dreams said...

lol how I have missed coming by here...:) My greatest phobia the optician, but come to think of it I don't like the hygienist much either..and now I have even bigger reason to avoid at all costs! :) School starts here in a few weeks..guess you are sooner, Katie

Michael Manning said...

Ah, yeah. But just think of Bono from U2 and you'll realize your glasses can be a fashion statement, Walker! ;)

Elvira Black said...

Ah, Walker, how I missed your humor. I finally figured out how to get your site to scroll down so I can read it.

My friend uses Crazy Glue constantly as he refuses to admit defeat over a broken object--including his teeth lol.

I thought you had either taken up teaching or went back to school when you asked when it starts til I realized, oh yeah, you've got your kids with you lol.

Well, got some catchup reading to do on your site: just so you know I only write for Blogcritics now and just put up a post the other day after a two year hiatus.

A lot has changed but it's good to know that you are still the same great guy and fabulous funny writer you were when I first stumbled on one of your pieces.

So if you can, stop on by BC and leave a comment. The topic is one of your specialties.

Just telling it like it is said...

Clearly you need a valium..
That's what my Ma used to take when us bratty kids gave her a migraine and drove her up the wall.
I said I understand the headache but it is clearly impossible to drive up a wall...

Missed ya!