blue moon (2)

Friday, May 29, 2009

Sick N Tired ©

Can someone out there answer a question for me?
At what age are your kids considered adults so you could punch them out?
I mean it’s not like it isn’t going to be a fair fight or anything like that and the chances are the parent would get the better of it especially if you wait until your ninety to drill the little fucker in the head.
Mind you at ninety I would probably have to start swinging on Monday to hit them by Friday.
Can you imagine a ninety year old man charged for child abuse for punching out his sixty year old son.

D2 has been sick for the last few days and her and her sister have turned practically the whole house into a disaster area.
And bossy……….

I don’t do bossy, I mean I take instruction and volunteer to do things but no one bosses me around.
Ask me politely and chances are I will do it but after the fiftieth get me ……… I said fuck that.

I want to meet that asshole that said have children and you will rest.
Rest when?
When I’m dead.
“Ok, how fucken sick are you”, D2 is an accomplished faker.
“Groan, groan, groan”
“Groan, groan, groan”
“What, speak the fucken up”.
“Groan, groan, groan, I’m thirsty”

Over the next hour there was a 2 liter bottle of ginger ale, orange juice, green tea and water sitting in front of her as she asked.
“Groan, groan, groan”
“What now”?
“Groan, groan, groan, I’m thirsty”
“Well drink something you have in front of you”.
“Groan, groan, groan, I want fruit punch”.
“Yeah I’m about ready for a punch now to”.
“Drink what you got because that’s all you’re getting”.

“Groan, groan, groan”
“What now”?
“Mumble, mumble, mumble”
“What's that, your thumbs up your ass”?
“No, I want a thermometer”.
“I got one of those somewhere”.

I went and got it and passed it over to her then went back to the kitchen to chop up some broccoli tops for cream of broccoli soup.
I heard her calling out to me from the living room.
When I am in the same room with her she is almost a mute but when I am in the kitchen she is like an opera singer on some stage screaming her ass off.

I walk into the living room and she is lying there wrapped in the comforter and the thermometer stuck in her mouth.
I asked her what she wanted and she mumbled, “How does this thermometer work", as it rattled around her teeth.
"Well, first you clean it then put a little lubricant on the tip before you use it".
“When you’re using an rectal thermometer like that it makes it easier to slip it up your butt with a little lubricant”.

She started spitting it out.
“You’re joking with me”.
“No, what do you think those brown stains are from”
“Why didn’t you tell me it was an ass thermometer”?
“I thought you knew it was a rectal thermometer, you know everything else”.

I took the thermometer from her and it said 100.6f.
She had a bit of a fever so she wasn’t lying again.
That’s where her sister showed up with some movies that were so bad they both passed out.
The silence didn’t last long as the bloody phone rang and it was D2’s friend boy.
Well you’d think they found a miracle cure.
She vaulted over the coffee table, snatched the phone from my hand and did the 15 steps to up stairs in 1.5 seconds.
Must be the Green tea.
An hour later when she hung up she was back on the couch with the plague again.

Then she was complaining she was cold and hot and cold then hot and wanted me to fetch her a hot compress for her head.
I get back with the compress and pass it to her but she dropped it on the floor and refused to take it because it now had germs.


This is the girl who not more that two month ago took her lollipop from her mouth and let the dog lick it for a few seconds before she stuck it back in her own mouth.
The same dog who not more then a minute earlier had been licking his pecker and chewing the fleas off of his balls.

I walked back from the kitchen with a new streaming towel and you could hear her muffled screams after the flying towel smacked her in the face and wrapping around her head like an octopus.

It wasn’t long before she got grumpy and ordered her sister out of the house and lay there drooling on my couch occasionally rolling over to puke out the strawberries she pigged out on.
The next day she walked around stoned of cough syrup trying to be a stand up comic with Frick her a straight man.
She spent more time chasing him than lying down resting.

Later that evening she showed up with a script she had written for a play they have to perform and wanted me to look at it for her.
I made a few changes for her that’s she liked then ran off to rewrite it with what I added.
I have been helping her with some of her drama homework.
Seems I have a flair for drama but what do you expect, I am Greek after all HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

Today as I lay back in my bedroom with my new Bong coughing my lungs out while trying to forget the last three days I stepped out after I was done and D2 was standing outside my door with the bottle of cough syrup and a spoon saying she thinks I need to take some too.

Have a nice weekend



BikerCandy said...

Ah, I hope D2 starts feeling better, if not for her own sake, for yours!

Walker said...

BikerCandy: D2 is back to her drive me crazy self lol

Kay said...

Just think how boring your life would be without her....????? What would you possibly do then? Or write about?


nachtwache said...

You most definitely have a talent for drama writing! Writing period!! D2 must have the same talent. But she cares for you. How sweet, bringing you cough syrup :)
Maybe you should bake special brownies instead of smoking the sh...
Kids, gotta love 'em.

Walker said...

Kay: Kay you are right but i have more like them to use for posts LOL

Walker said...

nachtwache: I'm Greek, we are full of drama LOL

Dotm said...

One thing having kids does is keep you thinking you are still back in school doing homework. Aren`t you going to miss this once she has graduated? Then down the road the grandchildren will be calling for help with their homework. So easy to say' Ask grampa, he helped me ". Ha Ha. Remember how quiet the house used to be? Never a dull day while raising kids. Have fun! You know you are loving being a father and will me her when she grows up and moves out. I think we worry more when they leave home.

Peter said...