blue moon (2)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

And Around The Hole We Go ©

There are three people next door that fix things that break down and one cheerleader.
Hold on let me rephrase that.
There are two people who think they know how to fix things.
One who knows he doesn’t know how to but is willing to read the instructions and a crying, whining femme fatalistic old lady who drives you insane until you fix what’s broken.

The other day, yesterday to be exact the toilet in my parents place broke down so my mother nagged the old man to get a new one.
So off he went to Home Depot to find a new porcelain throne for the King and Queen for the land of the Insanity.

Without asking for anyone to go with him he scooted off and was gone for three hours before he came back.
My mother was FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
She couldn’t understand how hard it was to pick up a fucken white toilet.
“What was he doing, testing them all”?

You see, 7 years ago my mother had cancer and they removed two thirds of her bladder and half her colon so she goes to the washroom about ten times a day.
Couple that with her addiction to 7UP, about two liters a day so…


My father got home with the toilet in his arms and was confronted by a 4ft 10 coiled up 81 year old monsoon ready to explode all over him.
Sixty years earlier that look might have been a predecessor to some ravenous carnal debauchery but it probably brought back memories of menopausal mayhem for my father because he dropped the toilet on the floor.

An hour later my father walked in with another toilet and found my mother on the couch with her arm dangling towards the floor twitching.
As he walked up to her she just looked at him and he knew he had to get out of there, fast and took off to the washroom then went back to the car for the tank.
My father has never put in a toilet in before, he usually gets the idiot living next door to do stuff like that but he figures he better not ask him for something again so soon after the alarm incident so he called the other son, Prince I.Q.

I.Q. as in “I Quit”, not “Intelligence Quotient”.
My brother has never finished anything he started.
The day before last I went next door and installed the boxes for the cable, phone and Internet he had cut holes for throughout my mother's house two years, 18 months ago.
Another thing, he thinks instructions are for those who can read.

So for two hours while my mother lay on the couch reliving being back swimming in the womb they installed the toilet.
And it’s a good thing my father and brother were there to because they found why the toilet broke.
It was because the whole bottom of it was full of brown ugly shit.
My father said my brother almost puked.

Anyhow, they removed the toilet and dropped the other one in its place and then hooked up the tank to it.
Then they screwed the water hose to the tank and opened the valve.
They stood there holding their breath and listened to the tank fill.
They stood there together, father and son, proud, triumphant now that they had done their duty and slay the shit covered porcelain beast.

My father called down to my mother to give her the first honors on the throne and she came charging up the stairs on all fours like a jacked up filly then shoved both of them aside and locked the door.

They stood outside the door waiting and then they heard a rush of water then a wave poured out from under the door as my mother screams pounded at the walls.
“She really had to pee” my father said to my brother just before the door opened and my mother stood there ankle deep in water, mad and crying.

She said she was sitting on the toilet when she flushed the tank and water started gushing out from between her legs all around her.
Normally when there is a woman sitting on the toilet and fingering her clit instead of the flusher there is a pleasant possibility there may be a gushing of fluids from between their legs but that’s not what my mother had.
No, the water gushing from between her legs was out of the bottom where the toilet sits on the floor and it happened while she was sitting on it.

That’s another thing, why do people flush the fucken toilet when they're sitting on it?
What, you like feeling the germ infested cold water splashing off of your butts or you just want to let the tidy bowl man turn your butts blue so you can pretend you’re a little Smurf?

My mother was not pleased and worse when she saw her carpets.
My father and brother said they couldn’t understand what was wrong.
My mother told them to call me but they both said they could handle it and took the toilet apart again while my mother used bath towels to try and soak up the water from the carpet.

About forty-five minutes later they said they were ready to fire up the new ride and my father flipped the handle and if he had a surfboard he could have hung ten ripping down the stairs.
It was about this time my phone rang and my mother was on the other end whispering to me to go over there.

I go next door and find bath towels on the steps leading up to the second floor all the way to the washroom.
My brother and father were taking the toilet apart so I asked them nonchalantly what they were doing.
My father said the old toilet broke and he bought a new one.
I asked him why there was another new tank in the kitchen.
He told me about the first toilet and how he accidentally dropped it.
My father is a big strong man but he is 80 years old to so you can’t do anything other than laugh at that.

So I sat there and watched them take it apart, why get dirty if you don’t have to.
When it was apart I asked them to flip the toilet upside down so I could see under it and they did.
My brother pointed out to me that the old toilet was all clogged up with brown shit under it when the got it off.

I looked down at the toilet and just nodded my head at the both of them.
I asked them for the instructions and my father said there were in the bedroom and I fetched them.
I looked down a bit until I found what I wanted and passed it to my brother and told him to read that.
He did and asked me what that was.


That wasn’t shit he removed from the old toilet it was the old wax.
It’s a ring of wax that seals the fucken toilet to the toilet flange on the floor so water doesn’t pour out when you flush it..
No wax, no seal.
No seal, toe jam is replaced by shit jelly.

My brother blamed my father for not buying it
My father blamed my brother for not reading the instructions
My mother wanted new carpets
I went next door to my basement where I keep a spare of certain things and a wax bowl ring is one of them.
Back at my mother’s place I pass it over and told them to stick in under the toilet and gently lower it onto the flange.

After that it was only a matter of minutes and my mother had her and brand new throne but she did have on complaint.
She said it was too high.
She’s never happy.
My father tries to sweep her off of her feet and she’s still complaining.

Have a nice day



Megan said...

I love your mom.

Fire Byrd said...

Your family are something else!!

phoenix said...

Some women you just can't please, LOL!

Aleta said...

LMAO. Thanks, I'll remember that important part when I go to renovate the bathrooms!!


i wanted to comment that it was going to be the wax ring before i had finished reading but then thought "who would believe me"?

they also come in different heights, w/wo flange and also plumbers putty is good to have on hand...

awesome fucking post yet again man, you never let us down.

Bud said...

Man, I knew they forgot the ring in the beginning. Can't believe HD sold him a toilet and didn't suggest a ring. I wonder if he'll try to install new carpets next.

itisi said...

I am laughing so hard my sides hurt!!
You really have a way with words Walker!!
Your poor mom!
She must be a saint to put up with all that!

Walker said...

Megan: So do I :)

Walker said...

Fire Byrd: yup they are.
What, no one knows ;)

Walker said...

phoenix: Well I guess it comes down to what needs pleasing and who is doing the pleasing :)

Walker said...

Aleta: Yes don't forget, waxing is important

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: yes i know about the others to but i have had thios one in the basement for ten years before some of that was made.
I hope there isn't an expiry date LOL

Walker said...

Bud: Molst of them are kids or old people needing a job and the capable ones are on parole and don't know half the stuff they need to breath let alone help you

Walker said...

itisi: My mother should have been and actress or a politician.
Thats the same thing i think

Sally said...

Your mom is my heroine. :)

having my cake said...

LMAO... Your poor mother!

Walker said...

Sally: Some times i think she is on Heroin LOL

Walker said...

having my cake: Poor MOM poor us. Trust me she makes us ALL pay for it

Tammi said...

I REALLY need to talk to a minute?

Walker said...

Tammi: I got as many minutes or hours as you need

A.B. said...

I knew waxing hurt.

jiggins said...


Michael Manning said...

I see a new TV sit-com here. It's very original: "Everybody Loves Walker". Starring: (who else? Walker). Patricia Heaton would be the Greek wife. Tom Bosley would be your father and Olympia Dukakis would play your mom! See? I have it all planned. We'll syndicate it and I'll become a "silent partner". We'll both make a killing and become rich! I like that your dad likes to sweep your mom off her feet! It's just the method that needs some tweaking. But that's where Walker comes in! :D)

Anonymous said...

Imagine how bored you'd be if you didn't have your parents living next door to entertain you :)

Walker said...

A.B.: Especial if its close and personal ;)

Walker said...

jiggins: You got that upside down, it was MOM. lol

Walker said...

Michael Manning: NO Not Mr Cunningham......... WAIT!!!!!.....that would make me Richie.
FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!
I want to be the Fonz

Walker said...

Romany Angel: Yreah I know but I still have my friends for fodder LOL

Tammi said...

Hey there,hun
I had to sorta speed read cuz I just ran n the house took a shower and jazzed up to go act a lil slutty tonight.LOL
What could I do any worse than the shit I pulled yesterday W.
Thank you sooooooo much for IM'ing me and calming me down.You know what.Its like I told Lisa.You are precious.I know that going out bar hoppin won't make things better...but WTF,W.
I can't sit here tonight and boo-hoo.I already drank ONE bear.LOL..and since I never's not gona take much more.I actually feel like I'm looking fuckable.hahahah (A Ray word)...I mean,I am wearing a mini and will purposely drop shit in the club...JUST KIDDIN
Don't ask me where I got my silly sense of humor today.I guess it has something to do with that side you bring out in me.
You are a really awesome friend P.
You pretty much read me like a book without me even going into detail.Your pretty slick ya know?
Lisa was glad you talked to me before I jumped off a know...not funny)
F**** it.I'm off work tonight and tomorrow and tonight I'm gona have some REAL fun and tommorrow go to my reunion at (cough cough)the Gentlemans Club that...ummm...let's say I made a buck or 2 there for a few years.Damn,I had to cut 100 heads of hair and perms to make what I made in one night.Never slept w/ anybody like alot ppl think.
But I think it will be fun.
Hey.Really! Thank you for being a genuine friend!!!!Those are really hard to come by ya know??

Monogram Queen said...

Your poor, poor Mother!
They actually do have different height toilets, amazing!
Madison is enthralled by the "kiddie sized" one in the Family bathroom at Kohls LOL

Puss-in-Boots said...

I love your parents, Walker, but your brother is another story.

Still, he tried...just as well you live next door otherwise who knows what would happen.

Glad your mother was able to "perform" eventually.

Tammi said...

Home from my outing dancing my ass off with some really cool ppl.I had a blast beingsandwiched between to two hot lesbians.Boobs were everywhere.LOL
I rolled my body and dropped that a*** like I was back at the strip club again....and I have to admit for a change.....I NEVER say this about my OWN self anymore...but I was HOT AS HELL tonight...I was looking pretty sexy...damn,I FELT sexy for a change.I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drank...but after the BIG SCREW UP the day before,it felt freakin ass great to forget my stupid mistakes the day before.
Its so funny how you can take a toilet story and make it sound soooo rivetting!!!!!!
AGAIN,hun....your such a sweetheart for being here for me when I felt like being dead after I done some stupid shit the OLD Tammi would do.YOUR SO AWESOME!!!

Tammi said...


Peter said...

They say you can choose your friends but you're stuck with your family.... but wait on... I've read about your friends too.

PBS said...

Wow, the saga of the toilet! It's the people who THINK they know how to fix things that cause the most damage. Good thing you were around to repair and repair!

Scarlet said...

A little bit of knowledge CAN be a dangerous thing!

Dotm said...

The minute I read about the water flowing onto the floor my first thought was they forgot to put in the seal. My next thought was that no man would forget the seal, so maybe they didn`t put it in correct and it got broken when the weight of the seat was set down onto it. I was surprised to see my first thought was right.
Walker, where would they be without you for a backboard to re-do what gets messed up.

Walker said...

Tammi: No need to thank me.
What are friends for in not to help.
I enjoy making women feel good do they could go out looking slutty and give other men bonners.
I'm doing something wrong LOL

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: My mother does go through alot but she gets her share in to.
Yes they do. I remember when i went to the school about my daighter once and went into the washroom for a pee the urnal was this small thimble of a thing close to the floor and I didn't know how I was supposed to get down there

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: I must admit that I have screwed uop fixing things around the house but its how I learned and the only reason I know what I am doing now but he could have read the intruction first.
My parents keep me on my toes i got to give them that

Walker said...

Tammi: I'm glad you had a great time and I bet you were the hottest chick in the joint when you shook your booty ;)

Walker said...

Peter: No, I guess I'm the Chosen One.....LOL

Walker said...

PBS: I think we should all try and fix things first before we go out to spend money but if it looks like you cann't do it then don't try.
That when it starts getting expensive

Walker said...

Scarlet: Like getting into a gunfight with no bullets

Walker said...

Dotm: They would get it dome but pay for it.
Thing is I have had to learn to do things because my father wopn't pay to get something done and will mess it up more and more until he achievesd his goal.
I bet he would have cented the bottom of the toilet if i had not done anything LOL