blue moon (2)

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Post Part Two ©

Ok, I just can’t not, have a weekend post.
I’m still sick but on good drugs and taking lots of fluids (Pot and Scotch) so who knows what this part two will look like HA HA HA!!!!!!!

The older generation never ceases to amaze me.
Growing up my parents beat into me, usually with a broom, that you have to be polite to other people.
So I had to learn to be polite before I became a paraplegic.

In the church I was sitting amongst mostly people in their late sixties and over.
The bride was gorgeous and I bet when she looked into the mirror she looked exactly as she had dreamed she would.
She saw what the rest of us could not possibly see because the vision of how she looked was deep in her heart and had been there from the time she was a child.

When she walked down the aisle her face was beaming as she looked towards the alter and at the waiting groom.
She wore a white wedding dress that ran all the way to the floor and trailed for about twenty feet behind her.

As she moved past the guests I could hear the whispers growing from both sides of the church and mostly from the elderly guests like my parents.
You see as beautiful as the bride was, she is about 150 pounds over weight and let’s face it, white is NOT a friendly color to people who are overweight.
Add a POOFY dress and she looked like a gorgeous buffalo galloping down the aisle.
All stood there staring except uncle Joe who was leaning against the pew sleeping and stayed that way until she passed by and shook him awake with every passing step.

To make matters worse most of these people are deaf and when they whisper it’s not really a whisper but more like an announcement from the town crier so lots of people hear it.
My father made a crack and everyone around started snickering but you know who got the dirty look for it.
Me because I was the one caught talking while scolding my father for being a smart ass.

While at the reception hall one of my fat aunts stood there staring at the bride and asked me, “Who’s bigger, me or her”?
The real question is; do I want to stop getting Christmas cookies?
The comments weren’t only reserved for the bride, the bridesmaids and ushers got their share from the onlookers.

Each side of the wedding party was designed to compliment the person there represented.
The groom is a construction worker and also works at the gym religiously as do all the ushers.
I don’t think there was one there that couldn’t enter a body building competition and place in the top three.
My uncle Terry said they must all be taking horse piss to be that big.
He heard steroids were made from horse piss.

On the bride’s side there were eight bridesmaids that were as big as the bride or more and four that were like toothpicks.
The smartass old geezers were making cracks that the front of the church was going collapse from the weight of all the people at the front.
They were wearing strapless dresses that were not really designed for women with big boobs because we saw more titties in church than we would have at a strip club.
Most of the bridesmaids spent most of the day pulling up the fronts of their dresses.
Don’t they make two way tape that’s supposed to deal with that or maybe they wanted them to pop out to catch a husband.

After the second service we all made our way outside where they released 100 white pigeons that circled around the church for a little while then took off over Chinatown and towards their home base.
The old guys were watching them fly off wishing they had their shotguns in hand.
They figured half wouldn’t get through China town and would end up being squab stew as the next day’s special.

We got to the reception hall by 6 pm and again I found myself one of the first people there thanks to my mother this time because she had made a couple of trays of pastries for them so she had to get there early.
I used this time to get a little better acquainted with the female bartender, remembering Megan’s words about getting laid by the end og the night.

The father of the groom, my uncle arrived and came to stand with my father in the corner to talk while people slowly arrived.
My uncle was telling us what he did and what it took to get to this day and how the wedding party got to bed at 4 am and how the groom worked until 5 am with his friends to make sure the house was finally finished for them to move right in.
It was now that the bride arrived with her mother and she saw us in the corner and started wobbling towards us.
My uncle who was feeling no pain by now because of the booze and the joint he smoked saw her coming and said that if she falls he is running so he doesn’t get squashed.
My father laughed with him while I told them both to shut up and tried not to laugh.
I wasn’t laughing about her falling but what he would look like squashed under her with his arms and legs poking out in every direction.

After everyone had arrived and the opened the banquet hall for us to be seated the food fest began.
All the guests were seated but the wedding party who were sequestered in another room.
There were three mountains of jumbo shrimp for people to take and along one side there were chefs waiting for us to tell them how you wanted your shrimp cooked.
There was an oyster bar and a sushi bar guests could take from.

As we sat at our table eating the mounds of shrimp clams and oysters my aunt who was sitting to my left asked if the wedding party was going to come in and eat to.
They must be hungry.
My mother looked at her and said, what do you think the skinny bridesmaid were for, a snack.

I sat there pacing myself and telling everyone that this was just an appetizer to a long meal but did they listen to me, no.
Ok, fine don’t blame me when the real food comes.
My aunt hit the buffet three times and my mother twice.
I read the table menu so I just had the one trip.

The wedding party arrived to the reception area and we all applauded their arrival.
I counted, all the bridesmaids were there.
After they were seated and the buffet tables were cleared the dinner started arriving.

First we each got a plate of lasagna to help pack down what we already ate.
My mother looked at it and asked me if this was going to be one of those food fest weddings.
I picked up the menu and told yes.
She took one bite of the lasagna and said it was the best she ever had then pushed the plate away.
She said she needed the room for dessert.

As soon as the empty plates were cleared that had the lasagna we got our next course, steamed filet of sole with a scoop of rice.
My father looked like he was slowing down to.
It takes a lot to slow my old man down when it comes to food but here he was dragging his tail because he loaded up on buttered shrimp earlier.

Then they came with some orange gelato.
I think everyone let loose a sigh of relief when they were placed in front of us.
I don’t know what it is but one of those and is like the food you ate has been digested.
Probably freezes your stomach so it doesn’t know it’s full.

After about a half hour break to allow a couple of speeches they brought us our main course.
A ten-ounce piece of filet minion that had a mushroom sauce to die for on it that must have been made with pure fucken butter.
There were designer potatoes and carrots on the side and along the top was a bundle of steamed asparagus.

My mother struggled with her meal because it was so much.
At one point she did kick me under the table and nodded towards my aunt who was now eating her husband’s chunk of meat.
This is the same one who asked me if the bride was bigger than her.

After that we got our salad.
When the salad was finished they brought us bowls of fresh berries and other small fruits to help digest.
While we were eating our fruits they set up a fifty-foot long table covered in various pastries and cakes for people to eat and take home.

This is where the biggest problem of the night began.
We were seated next to the bandstand and when they started playing you could feel your skin move with the beat of the music.
I’m telling you, no one at our table could have had heart failure with the massive speakers acting as defibrillators.

The music was loud but the booze was free so everyone hung out at the bar of dance floor for the rest of the night while servers walked around with huge trays of pizza making sure no one was still hungry.
As if.

I got into a little trouble with my mother when she spotted me sitting with a bunch of mobsters I used to run with drinking shot after shot or Grappa.
She doesn’t like any of my old friends any more because of all the trouble we used to get into.
I don’t know how many shot I had on top of the bottle of wine and scotches I had already.

Around 12:30am my mother was getting tired so we went to find everyone and thanked them for the day and everything they put out for us.
We wished the bride and groom a happy life together and fought my uncle at the door begging us not to leave him alone there.
Yeah I gave him another joint to.
Good thing her doesn’t smoke or it could get expensive for me down the road.

All in all I had a great time.
The bride was beautiful and the groom a handsome lad.
Old people just crack me up with what they say and wonder why people get mad at them.
As if they don’t know, they just play stupid.

Have a nice day



Megan said...

Man, that's a ton of food. I would have had to skip the appetizer course however, being allergic to such things.

Never tried grappa - is it good?

Waiting for the update on the bartender... ;)

Just telling it like it is said...

Ohhh Walker no body tells a wedding story quite like you...well with all the over weight aunts barely gettting noticed and stuff that can take a girls mind of her own problems... thanks for standing by me..I could use a sex story right about now!!!

Puss-in-Boots said...

You said it right at the beginning of that post, Walker, that bride saw herself as she had imagined from the time she was a little girl. And I know what you mean about the elderly who think they are whispering, but instead they're yelling comments out at the tops of their voices. My own mother was doing that and I told her to get her hearing checked. She was offended until I told her why. She went, grudgingly, and come home with hearing aids...

Peter said...

OK its all clear now Walker, you're not fucken sick... your sytem is in overload... of food, and refusing to function

Scarlet said...

LOL .... someday Walker, someday!

"A beautiful galloping Buffalo ..."

Shaz said...

I would of loved a commentry on my wedding. It really did go well but I cant even bring myself to tell you about the family all in brawl after midnight (me in the garden covered in my brothers blood) But it was the next day NOT my perfect wedding day lol maybe an email on the event will be more appropriate lol

Bud said...

I have to play two wedding in the next two weekends. Not my favorite kind of gig but this is my slow season. I hope I find as many amusing things as you did. I'm usually on the side that notices all the tension.

nachtwache said...

Aha, weddings are stressful, happy occasions, but stressful, that's why you never got married and hubby & me just went to city hall with 2 friends as witnesses. Saved a whole lot of $ that we didn't have anyway :)
Now, rest up! Actually, Peter is probably right, self induced suffering :P
With all that booze, how could you possibly catch a cold?

Fire Byrd said...

The idea was obviously all to get to be 150lbs overweight at the reception, so that the aged aunts wouldn't be able to comment anymore now being the same size!

Monogram Queen said...

That was one thing I reitereated to the person catering my reception - I don't want anyone to leave hungry but y'all take it to the EXTREME! LOL I wish the Bride and Groom a long happy marriage! and you, to be feeling better quick! A sick Walker makes me sad :(

Dot`sThoughts said...

I remember when we used to go dancing, we used to sit close to the band. Today, I sit a little further from the bands at Weddings. Guess it`s the newer music, I liked the country songs that you seldom here today unless someone requests one. Bands and dancing reminds me of the night with the sneezing powder at one dance years ago. LOL