I Hate Mondays ©

Give me break and I don’t mean a Kit Kat either.

I spent the better part of last week trying to recover from that ridiculous amount of booze I drank at the wedding and just as I was starting to feel healthy again my favorite witch called and asked if she could stop by on Sunday and put a spell on me for the night.
Who am I to refuse a little voodoo action, besides I still have the mask and no one to use it with so I said sure, come and make my eyes roll back.

Saturday afternoon the doorbell rang as I was running around cleaning the house and to my surprise it was one of my ex lovers I rarely see.
She came in and we sat in my TV lounge to talk for a while.
After a couple of joints we were laying back feeling no pain, gabbing away like it had only been yesterday since we last saw each other.
It was around six when the doorbell went off again and this time it was Mike stopping by after leaving his parent’s place down the street.

He was surprised to see my lady friend, it being fifteen years since the last time he saw her walking back up the stairs from the kitchen naked in the middle of the night with a string of cold cans of beer in her hand while he watched TV in the living room.
After he settled down in the leather chair he asked if I had anything to smoke, so we had another joint then started talking about the good old days when we were monks and she was a nun.
OK we weren’t monks.

We sat around talking and knocking off cans of cold beer like the old days while filling in the missing years.
It was funny, around 8 pm I could see she was getting a little buzzed and giving me the, I want you to fuck me look but Mike didn’t look like he was in a hurry to leave.
Me, I didn’t care, in fact I ordered pizza for all of us to eat and by the time that was finished it was time for both of them to go.

She looked a little disappointment and showed me in the kitchen what I was going to be missing that night.
Ah well what can I say other than, someone is coming in the morning and I don’t know if she would get into a three some.

Mike was nice enough to drive her home and she called me the minute she got through the door to tell me that she was still addicted to me.
I was speechless, until I swallowed the piece of pizza I was eating.
I told her it was probably all the beer and pot that made her feel that way.

One of these days I’m going to have to sit down and try and figure out how I find these women.
I mean it’s not like I go out hunting for women.
I’m home most of the time unless I get bored then I go out and poof.
One night walking back from the pub I found one of the female regulars walking behind me.
I stopped and let her catch up and offered to walk home with her it being late at night and not safe.
We seemed to be going in the same direction and when we got to my house I asked her how much farther she had to walk and she told me where she lived and it was in the opposite direction than the one we had come from and asked her WTF she was walking in this direction for and she said she wanted to come home with me.
I remember a time when I had to bust my fucken but to try and get a date and now they are following me home.

Then there was the one I took out of the back of a police cruiser the cops had put her in before they took after her boyfriend.
I wonder whatever happened to him?

After hanging up the phone a lay down on the couch to watch some TV for the rest of the night.
As the night wore on I smoke another joint and my throat started to feel funny and I started coughing.
I didn’t take to much notice in it as I choke like a dieing man when I smoke a joint but I started coughing uncontrollably.
I could feel my throat itch and started getting worried that I was going to be sick so I went for some Tylenol and a cup of tea.
There was no way in hell I was going to be sick on Sunday.

I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a dump truck filled with cow shit but did that stop me, nope because I can take it.
I must have sat on the toilet for what seemed like and hour.
Wasn’t doing anything, just sitting there dreading having to get up but I did and looked in the mirror and though, why did I look in the mirror?

As I stumbled back to the bedroom the phone rang and it was my mother.
She knew something was wrong and I told her I was sick all of a sudden.
Then she asked me if I saw Mike and \I said yeah he stopped by that night.
She then old me he went by his mother’s place but left immediately because he was sick.
Well that explained a lot.

I decided to take a hot shower and hope it would help but all it managed to make me do is cough my butt off.
I dried off then went downstairs to make some tea and try to eat something so I could take some more Tylenols.
AS the morning wore on I wasn’t getting any better so I decided to call her up and tell her not to other coming over and as her phone was ringing she was pumping my doorbell.

Over the next four hours she tried everything to make me comfortable and relaxed but all I could do is sweat and cough.
In the end I had to tell her to put her clothes back on and go home, it just wasn’t working.
I just can’t see how having warm air blown on your balls can make the fever go away but she was right about sucking some of my pain away because when I talked to her two days later she was sick as a dog too.

The rest of Sunday was a foggy blur as I forced myself to make some soup and move around the house so I wouldn’t pass out with the stove on.
I even went outside and looked in the mailbox and found a red tag that they were going to cut off my hydro.
WTF!?

I know I had it paid and figured it was a mistake or something but I left it in front of the tale to call them in the morning to be on the safe side and passed into another sweaty coma.
I wasn’t asleep or awake and I stayed that way for the next two days.
Not asleep and not awake.
All I did was stare at the clock to go to 8 am so I could call hydro and clear this up so I could go to bed to die in comfort.

At 8am I call the number on the card and talk to a grumpy bitch on the other end.
I guess she didn’t like a phone call as soon as she sat down.
I gave her all the information she needed and asked her what it was all about.
It seems I owed 99 bucks that had been the difference between two previous ills I had already paid for.
It’s no big deal and told her I would pay it at the end of the month but she said because a field agent had dropped off a red card it had to be paid within 48 hours or the electric would e cut off.

Huh, are you nuts?
My ills are 3 times this size and I pay them and after 26 years of no headaches they were going to cut me off.
Fine what happens if I don’t pay it.
You got to throw that in just to irritate them a bit.

If you don’t pay the 99 bucks then they cut you off and you have to pay 150 bucks for someone to reconnect you and give them a 1000 deposit.
Must be taking lessons from the Phone Police.
She says I had to go to the office and pay the bill or else.
I really hate Mondays.

I go upstairs and get dressed and break into my parent’s house next door and steal the car keys.
I could hear the house alarm screaming as I drove off.
I wasn’t three blocks from the house when my cell phone started to ring and it was my mother wanting to know where I was taking off to with the car so I told her and hung.
The Hydro office is about ten miles out of town and it took me about half an hour to get there.
AS I walked in I went to the counter and asked the guy where I go to pay my bill.
He said you can’t pay your bill there any more, just at the bank.
BITCH!!!!!!!!!
Oh is she lucky I didn’t know how to reach her again.

Putting on my best don’t kill face I turned and walked back to the car and started driving back towards MY PLACE and my bank which is about a mile from where I live.
I pulled up in front of the bank and walked up to the door and pulled it only to fond the bank was still closed and not due to open for another hour.
I hate Monday.

I sat in the car having hot and cold flashes until I saw a woman walk to the door from the inside and open it.
I crawled out of the car and went in and told the teller I wanted to pay my hydro bill and she asked if I was a customer at the bank and I said yes.
Then she asked me for my card which was in my wallet that was sitting on the FUCKEN COFFEE TABLE AND MAN DO I HATE FUCKEN MONDAYS!!!!!!!!!!

I drove home to get my bankcard and back to the bank to stand behind the twenty people ahead of me.
Forty-five minutes later and I was sitting in my car on the cell phone calling them up to tell them I paid the damn bill.

I drove home and parked in the front because at 1 pm I had to drive my mother to the hospital for some tests.
I called them to tell her I was home and to call me at 12:30 just in case I passe4d out and lay on the couch staring at the wall for 3 hours.
I couldn’t stop coughing long enough to sleep.

At 12:30 I walked out the front door to both my parents.
My father was going to sit in the car while I took my mother inside to have her tests.
I told him it shouldn’t e more than half an hour.
I should have just told him to leave and come back when he felt like it because that’s just what the fuck he did.
He said he was only gone for ten minutes but we were standing outside for forty minutes.
I bet he fell asleep in the parking lot like last time.

I got back home and crawled into my bed with my laptop and lay there for the rest of the day until the lights went out

Have a nice weekend

Walker