blue moon (2)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Kidding Around ©

Ok I am done.
All my mother’s work that is.
Yesterday I painted her foyer to so that it wouldn’t be out done by the new door frame.
I know what you’re thinking but I painted the rest of her house not to long ago so, PTHHHHHH.

The drama is still unfolding with the SIL and her daughter but I’ve managed to almost stay out of it.
Yeah, almost because I had to go pick up my niece from daycare while my brother was at work and the SIL took her daughter to the hospital.

Picking my niece up from daycare is a treat.
The first thing she does when she sees me is she cries her ass off.
Why you may ask, is she scared of her uncle Walker?
Is it because he’s mean and will gobble her up like a mean ole Troll?
No, not at all.
Is it because he doesn’t play with her but locks her in the basement with the boogie man?
No, that’s not it either.
Does uncle Walker spank the diapers off of her?
Hell no but I have change HEAPs of them.

You see I am the bad guy in our family when it comes to her.
When she doesn’t behave or eat her dinner, her mother, father, grandmother or grandfather say, “You behave or we’ll call uncle Walker and you know what will happen then”.
I got to ask them one day what will happen, just so that I know too.
I am not to happy about that crap and I flip out on them when I here them say it.

Now she does behave more when I have her and it’s because I’m impervious to the sweet little batting eyes when she screws up and is in trouble.
Looking into my eyes with her sweet innocent little globes begging for an ice cream doesn’t work. I raised four little con artists which included 3 females who sucked me in for over 20 years so I KNOW all the tricks now, I think.

No she is crying because she is a spoiled little shit because of her father who takes her to the store EVERY DAY to buy her a gift.
Ok, buy your kids something every now and again but not all the time just so she stops crying.
The kid has more shit that Toys R Us.
Hell when they want to go to Toys R Us they phone ahead and they send a limo for them.
The kid has a life size mechanical pony, which actually takes her for a ride galloping around the house that he paid $500 for.
It even neighs and wags it’s tail.
My brother said the best part is it doesn’t shit on the floor.
Next time I am in the country I am going to scoop some up and drop it on their carpet when no one is looking.
Now come on, that’s just too much.
The kid is so spoiled she only wants to be with her father because he buys her gifts AKA bribes.

So while I am standing there in the playground surrounded by kids and teachers, the kid is crying and making a scene for everyone to watch.
I have my own way of dealing with crap like this that I have developed through years of experience with my kids.
Once one of my daughters had a conniption while leaving the mall because she didn’t get what she wanted and was rolling around on the floor screaming like a banshee.
Her mother tried to pick her up but all she did was kick her mother and escalated the tantrum.

Her mother looked at me and told me to do something, so I did.
I left and took the EX with me leaving the little shit screaming right there in the middle of the floor.
I didn’t just leave, I sat on the other side of the glass partition watching her but she didn’t know that.
She went nuts.
First she stopped crying then when she realized we actually did leave she started up again but this time ran off in the direction we had gone.
We never had another problem with her after that.

I asked my niece why she was crying.
She said she didn’t know.
I asked her in front of everyone in a clear voice if she pooped or peed her diaper, she doesn’t wear diapers.
Her face turned red and her eyes scanned the area to see if anyone was laughing at her.
I’ll be damned if I let I little roach put me on the spot because she’s spoiled by her parents.

I asked her again why she was crying and she said because she wants her father to pick her up.
I told her he was busy as was her mother and all she had was me unless she wanted me to leave and she could sleep in the churches stinky dark basement for the night until her father came to pick her up the next day?
She beat me to the Jeep but not without making me pay for it.

I put her in the child seat and give her a bag of plain chips then walk around to the front and get in.
No sooner do I get in she starts crying.
What now?
She forgot her Blankie in the sleep room.
Ok, we will get Blankie, it’s no biggie.
I undo the car seat and take her out of the Jeep, I wasn’t going to leave a 4 year old alone in the vehicle then walk back to the daycare and get her Blankie.
Back at the Jeep I strap her in the child seat again and get back in and she starts crying once more.
I asked what was wrong and she says she wants her stuffed Ducky.
Fine, it’s no big deal.
I get out and go around the Jeep and unstrap her from the car seat then go back inside so she could get Ducky from her locker.

After retrieving the saliva soaked, germ infested Ducky from hell we started back to the Jeep but before we left I asked her if there was anything else she wanted and she said she had everything now so we went back to the Jeep where I strapped her in the fucken child seat ONE MORE TIME and then walked around and got in.
As soon as I put on my seat belt the water works starts up once more.
Now what?
“I forgot me jacket”.

I pulled up in front of the house and my mother was on the porch waiting for us.
I got my niece out and we walked to where my mother was.
She was crying the whole way to my mother.
My mother asked her what was wrong.
“Uncle Walker ate me chips”.
Serves her right for making me go back three times.

I’m sitting on the porch with my niece and she asked me where her mother was and I told her she had to take her sister to the doctor.
Then she tells me her big sister lives near her school and I told her not any more.
This kid may be 4 but she is sharp as a knife.

Six months ago when her sister moved out of the house everyone was outside waving goodbye at the truck as it pulled out.
Everyone that is except my little niece.
She was inside the house pulling, pushing and tugging her things to the now empty room.
That’s all she cared about.

She looked at me and said yes, her sister does live near her school.
I told her that her big sister will be moving back home again.
Her eyes widened like two big walnuts.
NO!!!!!! she is not.
Yes she is I told her.
Well then she has to sleep on the couch she told me because it was her room now.
I told her the short one sleeps on the couch and it was her sisters room first before it was hers.

Later that night when the SIL came back the little one ran to her and asked where her big sister was.
Her mother told her that she had to stay one night at the hospital.
My niece looked up at her and asked if her big sister can move there………

The next day I was painting my mother's foyer and my SIL came over and asked if I could watch the kids.
What kids?
She only had two and one was in the hospital.

Well, it seems my SIL had promised to watch some kids, 3 to be exact, not including hers and now had to go to the hospital and she said she couldn’t go with all the kids.
Well where the fuck are these kids' parents because I had a lot of work to do but she said they weren’t going to be back to pick them up until 6pm.
6pm but it’s 1 pm now!!
She promised me she would be back well before then.
Sigh, I’m a sucker.
OK fine.

How much sugar had these kids had before she brought them to me.
My parents were not home and I was alone trying to paint with four kids running around into walls like Lemmings and then, then they did it.
I told them not to run around where I was working but did they listen, NOOOOOOOOO, and splash went the gallon of paint and the race was on.
I had to keep the thick river of paint from reaching the carpet and destroying it.

Pulling my T-shirt off I used it to hold back the paint while I had my niece fetch me the roll of paper towels and started cleaning it up.
Uncle Walker, why is there a drawing on your back she asked?
Because I fell asleep on a comic book once and it stuck there.

After I cleaned up the mess and staved off my mother's wrath for destroying her carpet I had the little darlings line up at the front door.
I asked them to repeat what I had told them and they said that they were not supposed to play where I was working.
Perfect so we all knew the rules so I won’t have to feel bad about the punishment.

My SIL managed to get back a 5pm.
The foyer was painted and with my newfound peace and quiet I even did some detailing for my mother to make it stand out a little more.
The doorbell rang and I looked through the screen and saw it was my SIL, she wanted to know why all their foreheads were painted egg shell white.
All four kids were sitting on the porch nice and quiet.
Beats me.

Have a nice day



Monogram Queen said...

I'd let you babysit Madison but I guarantee you she'd behave for you. It's only her Daddy she knows she can bullshit.
Your stories are hilarious!


yeah man... excellent post and truly a seasoned child care expert...

"Next time I am in the country I am going to scoop some up and drop it on their carpet when no one is looking."

yeah, thats way fucking okay with me... love it!!!

Just telling it like it is said...

Can you ask your brother if he would think about adopting a slightly older child, I bat my eyes, my Ma tells me all you have to be is pretty and I never throw a tantrum. I even have a policy that when we all go out boobs must be out....

Lindy said...

Now that you're all finished with mommas place I have a few things on my to do list that you could be a great asset to. Oh, I also have a step granddaughter that needs some straightening out. She's all yours.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: We'd have fun getting into trouble together LOL

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: Some things I cant stand and a total waite of money drives me nuts. Sometime I wonder whos the fucken kid.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: They hell with that, I'll adopt you myself and you can run around naked for all I care LOL

Walker said...

Lindy: OH no you don't. I have my hands full with the 4 year old who dances like a Jelly fish on an electric plate

having my cake said...

I so wish you were my brother in law! The father of my children could do with a few lessons from you. He wont listen to me!
I think the Mall story was my favourite... although eating her crisps came a close second :)

Walker said...

having my cake: There are three ways to deal with kids from my point of view.
You surrender and forfiet your right to complain.
You become a tyrant and make your kids lives miserable and loose any form of trust yopu need to know what your kids are up to or you can compromise to a certain level you both can work with and enjoy each other rather than alienating each other

Just telling it like it is said...

Walker sounds like a plan...

Peter said...

Words fail me!!!!