Oi ©

My head feels like someone used it for a soccer ball.
Probably because I haven’t drank this much in years.
Remember I’m a binge drinker and could go for months without having a drink or even a craving for one but when I get into “THE MOOD” to be totally me, I get down to party and I party hard
.
You know “THE MOOD” don’t you?
It’s that feeling you get in your soul that says, “I have had enough of this boring fucken mundane shit and I want to just go out there to have a good time and I don’t give a fuck what other people say or if I make a fucken fool of myself, just as long as I feel great while I am doing it and am respectful of those around me” kind of feeling, yeah know what I mean?

If you don’t, I’m sorry but if you do, then get naked, lay back and let me take you for a ride through my weekend.
Oh and if you’re reading this at work, you’re going to be the talk of the office tomorrow when they get a load of you sitting there naked.

I woke up Sunday morning at 6:30am, I know, a totally outrageous time for me to get up but sacrifices have to be made.
My cat is just going insane seeing me up this early, knocks his stomach out of whack I guess when I change my sleeping pattern because he is used to prowling around when I sleep and sleep when I am awake.

I had my clothes ready from the night before so all I needed to do was wash and get dressed before 9am.
Even I can do that.
At 9 am I was ready and went next door to see my mother and to pick up the address to where we were supposed to go and meet some relatives that were going to take us to where the church was and later to the reception hall.

My mother criticized how I was dressed like she always does; she never likes how I dress.
I used to have a $1000 black leather jacket I had custom made.
The fringe had leather stripes going from the arms and across the back of the jacket.
That was the reason I had the thing made.
My mother hated the leather tassels so she got up one morning and cut them all off and presenting it to me as I walked in telling me that it now looked good.
If I could knit I would have kitted me a hangman’s rope from the pile of leather strips that littered the floor.

After passing me the paper with the address on it she told me to behave myself.
I was shocked.
I told her that I haven’t gotten into trouble in Quebec in decades.
She gave me a dirty look and told me I hadn’t gotten in trouble there because I had been barred from the province for 15 years for bribing that judge and crown attorney.

I reminded her that I was NEVER, convicted of that.
She told me it was because I bribed that judge and crown attorney too.
NO, I didn’t, my lawyer did, he didn’t tell me what he was going to do with the money he asked for, cough, cough.
I only got barred because I told the Supreme Court judge to get on his knees and blow me when he threatened to put me in jail for not testifying against the judge I allegedly bribed.
Who knew they spoke English in Quebec?

I told her I would NOT smoke any pot while I was there and I didn’t.
I said nothing about booze.
Then she reminded me not to mention the bride’s grandmother, aunt and her husband had come down from Montreal a week earlier to pick up a couple of buckets of honey to one of my aunts there.
The aunt wanted to come along but they had to much to do and didn’t want to bring her along because they had to stop at a couple of other towns along the way to pick up other stuff they needed for the wedding and she would have slowed them down by trying to make the trip more of a visit that business.
They only stayed at my mothers for a couple of hours and I managed to see my cousin and her new husband.
I hadn’t seen her in years because she lives in the UK and Portugal.
Fuck they have four housed in four countries.
Paul her husband is a nice guy to, 15 years older than my cousin but they seem happy together and have been married for ten years now.

So instead of telling said aunt they couldn’t bring her along they decided to lie to her by concocting a deception and say they never came here to get the honey.
See how people make life difficult.
I told her I wouldn’t forget and went back next door to wait for my cousin who showed up ten minutes later and we were off.

There were four of us in the SUV, my cousin, her son, her BF one of my oldest friends and yours truly.
We had an hour and a half drive and I had nothing to do but be myself and go into my comedy act for the whole trip to Montreal.
I had them all laughing with my cousin begging me to shut up before she peed herself.
What can I sat, I was in THE MOOD and couldn’t stop until we reached Hudson and we pulled over to get some.
Even I got to shut up to eat.

After eating we got back on the road and I picked up where I left off and told them about our little cemetery adventure and how her brother was chasing our uncle through the bushes and gravestones while shopping for graves and the argument her father and him got into because they both wanted to be on the same side.
They finally decided to take side-by-side plots on the opposite side of what they both wanted.
Brothers, I guess they never stop fighting no matter how old they get.

We finally got to Montreal and now we had to find the house of the aunt that we are not supposed to let know that the honey had been picked up a week earlier from my place.
She has two sons who were born identical twins.
I haven’t seen them in 28 years since the last time they were here.

What a pair of characters these to were and still are.
They never go anywhere alone and they even work at the same place and shifts.
They still live at home with their mother; their father passed away 20 years ago and take care of her.
When one starts a sentence the other usually finishes it and they praise eat other non-stop, which is a good thing unless you are the one listening to it and after awhile it makes you want to puke.

I got word ten years ago that they got into a little gambling trouble and needed to find a lot of coin to pay off some rough people.
Word has it that it went well into the six digits but a lot of family stepped in and saved their butts.
Other than that they are a colourful pair that have done a lot of shit and met some interesting people.
In fact the day earlier they were with Robert Plant before his concert at the restaurant they both work at.
It’s a popular place where many people go especially those who could afford to eat in a joint like that.
They told me they made 1000 a night in tips.

In the 80s they could be found flying to New York and hanging out at Studio 54 with a slew of celebrities they had met in Montreal and partied for days on end.
That’s about when I first met them and took them for a tour of my life.
They thought I was nuts and they were right but they weren’t that far from it either.
Back in the eighties we were into the cocaine, women and partying all night and they were no strangers to the life themselves, I guess it runs in the family.

We drove through the streets looking for their address my mother had written down ion the paper and we couldn’t find the number so we pulled over and got out of the car to look on foot.
The number was 6979 that we were looking for.
6987, 6985, 6983 then there was a small park for kids to play equipped with swing and a castle, 6973, huh
We looked at the paper and yes it said 6979, so we went back to look at the last house before the park and it was 6983.
Hmmm I told my cousin that maybe they lived in the castle.

Then I told her to give them a call while I slid down the slide a couple of times.
I dragged her son kicking and screaming with me.
It seems he is too old at 17 to be sliding down slides.
Boy was he in for a wild one this day hanging out with uncle Walker and the Twins.

As I was trying to get my butt unstuck on the top of the slide I could see my cousin talking on the phone with one of the Twins.
How do I know she was talking to one of the Twins you may ask when I was about 100 feet away?
Well that’s simple, I could see him standing on the balcony talking on the phone to her as she was wandering around ten feet under him and they couldn’t see each other.
I could tell it was going to be one of those days already.

I called out to her and pointed over her head and she saw him then.
My nephew pushed me through the hole and took off down the slide then running at the bottom.
He had to survey the whole area before he slid down to make sure no one saw him.

We got to my aunts and after hugging and kissing each other she asked why we didn’t bring the honey in?
My cousin looked at me for an answer.
I asked. What honey?
She said that we were supposed to bring the honey my mother bought for my aunt’s daughters wedding.

I put on my best-confused look and told her I had no idea we were supposed to bring any honey unless she had said something to my cousin.
My cousin’s eyes bulged as I tossed the ball back in her court then took off with the twins to catch up before she sent it back to me.
I could here the both of them tossing the honey issue back and forth ion the kitchen and the Twins and I caught up on the last 28 years.
My nephew had tagged along and he sat there in shock at some of the things he heard.
The kids a bit of a goody two shows.
He doesn’t even play contact hockey because his mother is scared he’ll get hurt.
That’s not fucken hockey, that’s golf.

About thirty minutes later we piled into two SUVs and headed off to the church for the wedding ceremony.
It took us about twenty minutes to get the and as we parked the car and met the others at the church a small car stopped and my cousin from the UK got out with her husband.

Now, everyone knows that I hadn’t met my cousin’s husband because he is from the UK and this was the first time he was in Canada so one of the Twins walked me over to Paul and introduced us.

Twin: Hi Paul, this is Walker he is from Ottawa.
Walker: Hi Paul nice to meet you.
Paul: We met last week
Walker: No we didn’t, I have never met you before until now.
Paul: Yes we did, I was at your mother’s place just last week.
Walker: No, I think you’re mistaken because I would remember ever meeting you if I did.

My cousin was freaking out that the whole honey conspiracy was going to unravel right there in the parking lot but my other cousin his wife, quickly grabbed Paul from the arm and told him she needed help with the stuff in the trunk.

I put my arm around the Twin and started walking him away and told he that these Brits can’t tell one Canadian from another all us colonials look alike to them.
That’s when my cousin broke out laughing and ran off behind the SUV so no one will see her.
Later on her BF came and said she had to go to the washroom and take off her pantyhose because they were a little wet.
I told her not to drink a large root beer on the way there so it wasn’t my fault she wet her pantyhose.

We all gathered in the church to wait for the ceremony to begin.
We stood in the third pew from the front on the bride’s side with me in the middle and to my left I had my cousin, her son and BF.
To my left I had the twins who BTW are 6-4.
No wonder their mother shrank a foot after giving birth.

After the wedding party marched down the aisle and assembled at the front of the church we all stood there listening to the ceremony when my nephew noticed the woman’s back who was standing in front of us.
He asked what the Chinese letters tattooed on the back of her neck meant.
Without any thought I sputtered out. “Made in China” like everything else now a days.
My cousin was the first to burst out laughing followed by everyone else around, front and back including the woman with the tattoo.
The priest looked over at us and I am sure he was impressed by my concentration on the ceremony, unlike those other around me who were quickly becoming an embarrassment with their constant outbursts or laughter.
You would think the bride’s grandfather would know better.

The ceremony took about 40 minutes and we all gathered outside to throw bubble.
Yes you heard right.
No one throws rice no more because its a waste of food so they give people little bottles and you blow bubbles.
My nephew said it was gay and the Twins agreed with him.
I told them it was fun trying to blow bubbles into the cleavage of the woman with the big boobs in front of me.
Then they all started blowing bubbles as fast as they could dip their sticks back into the little bottles.

To be continued……………

Have a nice day

Walker