Oi Oi ©

After the wedding party got into the stretch Hummers and taking off somewhere to take pictures the rest of us were to head off to the reception and wait for their return.
We were to follows the woman driving the Twins and their mother to the reception.
The woman driving them was a whacked out dirty blond who drove like a psycho filled with rage cutting everyone off and cutting across 4 lanes of traffic like there was no one else on the street but her.
My cousin's BF who was driving was doing his best to keep up without getting killed by the other fucken lunatic drivers in Quebec.
It seems this is how you drive in Montreal.
Red lights are just a suggestion to stop and yellow lights mean you have 5 seconds to break the land speed record to cross the two blocks needed to get to the light before it turns red which doesn’t matter any way.
In fact under the Walk/Don’t Walk light standard there is a digital timer that also beeps.
This is so that the deaf people could see how much time they have to get across before they are killed and blind people could hear and count down their last breath on these Montreal streets.
In the perfect world this would have been a blessing if not for the hearing and seeing pedestrians who run madly across the intersection knocking down blind and deaf alike so that Jean with his light speed rusty Camero could run them over as he makes the light.
If he doesn’t hit them the shrapnel flying off the rust bucket will surely add a few other disabilities to their list of things to worry about.
Now you know where they got the idea for the video game, “Frogger”.

With all the zigging and zagging we finally got to where the reception was being held.
It was a really nice place with a restaurant on the first floor and two reception rooms upstairs each with its own ornate bar.
I walked over to the bar to get a drink and I wasn’t surprised to find the Twins there before me ordering a Grand Marnier each.
They asked me if I wanted one but I said no, shit like that is a little too sweet for my palate.
I rather drinking booze that makes me cringe and gag like my favourite scotch Ardbeg, tastes like fucken swamp water and costs a hundred bucks for a twenty-sixer.
You drink that shit straight up and you know something fucken evil is in your mouth.
Smells like a million year old rotten moss.
I love the stuff.
Jack Daniels does the trick to but only straight up.
That’s how I like my booze, naked, like something else I like.

I asked the bartender for a double scotch and wandered over to the corner my cousin and the Twins were hanging out.
As I got there I could hear one of the Twins telling my seventeen year old nephew that after the wedding that they we were going out to get him a whore to wet his whistle.
His mother, my cousin almost jumped out of her dress when she heard that and told him that he was never taking her son out.
He said that I would be along to make sure he was safe.
He shouldn't have said that, HA HA HA

You see about 26 years ago I was once again here for another wedding but back then I drove my car down as well.
My parents and uncles being the geniuses that they were decided that to keep me out of trouble that I was to baby-sit this same cousin and another male cousin of mine that had come along to the wedding.
This was supposed to keep me honest.
It didn’t work and they got to see more than they ever had at their age, which was only a couple of years younger than me.
Oh and the woman they saw me with way back then, was at this same wedding.
Boy did I dodge a big bullet.

My cousin gave the Twin a hard look and told him that I was the worse of the lot.
I get into trouble without even being there, imagine than.
Around t he time I finished my forth double scotch my cousin came to us and said that we weren’t all sitting at the same table.
The Twins and their mother were upset that we had to sit apart so I told them I would go see what I could do.
I went to where they had these little markers with people names on them all placed on a little model of the room with tables.
Yup, there it was, half of us on table eight and the other half at table ten.

I looked around for someone to see if I could get this changed but I didn’t see anyone because most of them were probably still taking pictures.
I looked at the sitting arraignment again and thought to myself, how bad could it be so I took the three markers of the twins and their mother and replaced them with three people I didn’t know from table eight, problem solved so I went back and told them I took care of everything then ordered another scotch.

There were waiters walking around with trays filled with evil food, like jumbo grilled shrimp and bbqd squid.
Smoked salmon on cream cheese covered crackers
Grilled sausages and deep fried zucchini
This went on for about two hours and the Twins were already flying high on sugar and terrorizing my nephew.
That’s when his mother wasn’t looking that is.
It was about this time I got the kid to loosen up and relax so I got him a gin and tonic and told the bartender to slime it so it had a lime taste then went over and handed it to him.
His mother was right there, I told her he was 17 and one drink won’t kill her.
She didn’t say anything.
Better the kid drink in front of us than behind our backs.

Just then the woman in charge of the seating came over and said that everyone was to move into the reception room and sit down because the bride and groom were on their way.
Everyone made a mad dash for the bar one last time before they went back in.
We all sat at our table and met a woman with two small kids and her parents were sharing our table with us.
It turns out they know my parents and brother and have heard of me even though they have never met me.
I bet they have but what have they heard.
Everyone was settling in but there was a bit of commotion at table ten.
They seemed to have settled it but not before some loud and harsh words were exchanged.
It seems that some of these people don’t get along and in fact they haven’t spoken in decades then along comes some idiot and seats them all together at the same table.…..

The music started up and the MC came on and told us all to stand, as the wedding party was about to enter.
We all got up and the door opened and MC introduced the flower girl as she walked in showering flower petals along the path as she went.
Then the MC announced the ring barer and the door swung open again but there was no one.
We waited and still nothing then a little boy was shoved through the door.
He took three steps and saw all the people then turned and ran for the doors that had closed behind him.
We laughed as the flower girls came back and dragged him kicking and screaming to the alter; I mean from of the room.
Then the MC introduced the maids and the ushers.
After they had gone the song changed to an up beat song and the MC introduced the maid of honor who exploded into the room full of excitement and we all jump and down with her as she screamed and everyone screamed.

Oh, did I tell you what the wedding party was wearing?
The men had on Armani suits and the brides mains and maid of honor had on the gorgeous strapless dresses that barely covered their tits and the maid of honor, she had a nice ripe set of knockers as we all saw because when she started jumping up and down they popped out the top while we all watched snapping pictures and taking videos of the wedding party as they entered the room.
I think I managed to snap off four pictures but one is blurry, I was to close I think.
She stole the whole show.
The couple walked in and no one noticed them because we were all watching the maid of honor trying to stuff back her tits into her dress.
I think my nephew needed another gin.

As some and everything was put back in its place we all sat down and the waiters started pouring on the food.

To be continued………..

Have a nice weekend and to my American friends have a fun and safe Fourth Of July.

You didn't think I would forget the ladies did you?

Walker