blue moon (2)

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Oi Oi ©

After the wedding party got into the stretch Hummers and taking off somewhere to take pictures the rest of us were to head off to the reception and wait for their return.
We were to follows the woman driving the Twins and their mother to the reception.
The woman driving them was a whacked out dirty blond who drove like a psycho filled with rage cutting everyone off and cutting across 4 lanes of traffic like there was no one else on the street but her.
My cousin's BF who was driving was doing his best to keep up without getting killed by the other fucken lunatic drivers in Quebec.
It seems this is how you drive in Montreal.
Red lights are just a suggestion to stop and yellow lights mean you have 5 seconds to break the land speed record to cross the two blocks needed to get to the light before it turns red which doesn’t matter any way.
In fact under the Walk/Don’t Walk light standard there is a digital timer that also beeps.
This is so that the deaf people could see how much time they have to get across before they are killed and blind people could hear and count down their last breath on these Montreal streets.
In the perfect world this would have been a blessing if not for the hearing and seeing pedestrians who run madly across the intersection knocking down blind and deaf alike so that Jean with his light speed rusty Camero could run them over as he makes the light.
If he doesn’t hit them the shrapnel flying off the rust bucket will surely add a few other disabilities to their list of things to worry about.
Now you know where they got the idea for the video game, “Frogger”.
With all the zigging and zagging we finally got to where the reception was being held.
It was a really nice place with a restaurant on the first floor and two reception rooms upstairs each with its own ornate bar.
I walked over to the bar to get a drink and I wasn’t surprised to find the Twins there before me ordering a Grand Marnier each.
They asked me if I wanted one but I said no, shit like that is a little too sweet for my palate.
I rather drinking booze that makes me cringe and gag like my favourite scotch Ardbeg, tastes like fucken swamp water and costs a hundred bucks for a twenty-sixer.
You drink that shit straight up and you know something fucken evil is in your mouth.
Smells like a million year old rotten moss.
I love the stuff.
Jack Daniels does the trick to but only straight up.
That’s how I like my booze, naked, like something else I like.

I asked the bartender for a double scotch and wandered over to the corner my cousin and the Twins were hanging out.
As I got there I could hear one of the Twins telling my seventeen year old nephew that after the wedding that they we were going out to get him a whore to wet his whistle.
His mother, my cousin almost jumped out of her dress when she heard that and told him that he was never taking her son out.
He said that I would be along to make sure he was safe.
He shouldn't have said that, HA HA HA

You see about 26 years ago I was once again here for another wedding but back then I drove my car down as well.
My parents and uncles being the geniuses that they were decided that to keep me out of trouble that I was to baby-sit this same cousin and another male cousin of mine that had come along to the wedding.
This was supposed to keep me honest.
It didn’t work and they got to see more than they ever had at their age, which was only a couple of years younger than me.
Oh and the woman they saw me with way back then, was at this same wedding.
Boy did I dodge a big bullet.

My cousin gave the Twin a hard look and told him that I was the worse of the lot.
I get into trouble without even being there, imagine than.
Around t he time I finished my forth double scotch my cousin came to us and said that we weren’t all sitting at the same table.
The Twins and their mother were upset that we had to sit apart so I told them I would go see what I could do.
I went to where they had these little markers with people names on them all placed on a little model of the room with tables.
Yup, there it was, half of us on table eight and the other half at table ten.

I looked around for someone to see if I could get this changed but I didn’t see anyone because most of them were probably still taking pictures.
I looked at the sitting arraignment again and thought to myself, how bad could it be so I took the three markers of the twins and their mother and replaced them with three people I didn’t know from table eight, problem solved so I went back and told them I took care of everything then ordered another scotch.

There were waiters walking around with trays filled with evil food, like jumbo grilled shrimp and bbqd squid.
Smoked salmon on cream cheese covered crackers
Grilled sausages and deep fried zucchini
This went on for about two hours and the Twins were already flying high on sugar and terrorizing my nephew.
That’s when his mother wasn’t looking that is.
It was about this time I got the kid to loosen up and relax so I got him a gin and tonic and told the bartender to slime it so it had a lime taste then went over and handed it to him.
His mother was right there, I told her he was 17 and one drink won’t kill her.
She didn’t say anything.
Better the kid drink in front of us than behind our backs.

Just then the woman in charge of the seating came over and said that everyone was to move into the reception room and sit down because the bride and groom were on their way.
Everyone made a mad dash for the bar one last time before they went back in.
We all sat at our table and met a woman with two small kids and her parents were sharing our table with us.
It turns out they know my parents and brother and have heard of me even though they have never met me.
I bet they have but what have they heard.
Everyone was settling in but there was a bit of commotion at table ten.
They seemed to have settled it but not before some loud and harsh words were exchanged.
It seems that some of these people don’t get along and in fact they haven’t spoken in decades then along comes some idiot and seats them all together at the same table.…..

The music started up and the MC came on and told us all to stand, as the wedding party was about to enter.
We all got up and the door opened and MC introduced the flower girl as she walked in showering flower petals along the path as she went.
Then the MC announced the ring barer and the door swung open again but there was no one.
We waited and still nothing then a little boy was shoved through the door.
He took three steps and saw all the people then turned and ran for the doors that had closed behind him.
We laughed as the flower girls came back and dragged him kicking and screaming to the alter; I mean from of the room.
Then the MC introduced the maids and the ushers.
After they had gone the song changed to an up beat song and the MC introduced the maid of honor who exploded into the room full of excitement and we all jump and down with her as she screamed and everyone screamed.

Oh, did I tell you what the wedding party was wearing?
The men had on Armani suits and the brides mains and maid of honor had on the gorgeous strapless dresses that barely covered their tits and the maid of honor, she had a nice ripe set of knockers as we all saw because when she started jumping up and down they popped out the top while we all watched snapping pictures and taking videos of the wedding party as they entered the room.
I think I managed to snap off four pictures but one is blurry, I was to close I think.
She stole the whole show.
The couple walked in and no one noticed them because we were all watching the maid of honor trying to stuff back her tits into her dress.
I think my nephew needed another gin.

As some and everything was put back in its place we all sat down and the waiters started pouring on the food.

To be continued………..

Have a nice weekend and to my American friends have a fun and safe Fourth Of July.

You didn't think I would forget the ladies did you?



Peter said...

Hey Walker, you know when you say Oi, Oi, Oi you need to preface that with Aussie, Aussie, Aussie don't you?
Fun wedding, but then who is surprised by that when its your family?

gab said...

Thanks Walker!

Michael Manning said...

The girl standing in front of the pickup looks very familiar to me! Isn't it great to see the bullets we dodged from the past? ;)

Blazngfyre said...


Just what I needed to see on my 4th ..... 2 gay men in banana hammocks frolicking in the sand ... oh yeah, that SCREAMS "Happy Independence Day!"

The blond is WAY more enticing .... thanks Walker! :D

Walker said...

Peter: Going to family functions where people don;t know you is fun because you get to make a mess and leave before they know what you did LOL

Walker said...

gab: You;re welcome

Walker said...

Michael Manning: I wish I could say I knew her myself LOL
Dodging bullets never hurts

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: LMAO!!!!!!
I didn't really pay much attention besides with all the shaving of chest hairs men do no a days it's fucken hard to tell who is what any more.
HELL, I have to tell a date now a days to get naked first just to make sure its a woman LOL

We can share the blond ;)

Aunty Belle said...

huh? Gracious, I'se jes' lookin in round heah from Moi's an' now I knows why Uncle say to be careful out thar' on the internet--he knowed poor ole' Aunty done growed up sheltered as a hot house orchid.

Any-hoo, jes' a drop by to say howdy.
Hope survived the nuptials.

Walker said...

Aunty Belle: Well thank you for the visit.

If you were that sheltered then I envie you for the wonders you must be enjoying today but me thinks that there were windows in that there shelter for you to explore out of once in awhile.

Aunty Belle said...

hee hee, Walker--thanky fer yore visit to the Front Porch--reckon it were mighty tame fer ya, tho not all posts are...but I'se too prideful to let ya think that lady who accepted the cart ride was *me*--mercy, I'se no spring chickadee, but that were the GRANNY, not the Aunty.

Missed the Canadian equivalent of the 4th--happy belated Canadian Birthday!

Walker said...

Aunty Belle: Thank you
We are all the same,tame or wild, it's the delivery that seems different but in actual fact if we stop and erase the flamboyant wording its as same as a kitten test out her new nails lol.

craziequeen said...


oh thank you, Walker my friend - that made me chuckle...until I got to the bit about the maid of honour, when I just burst out laughing.....


Monogram Queen said...

I hate stretch hummers, they are so tacky!

However I loved the game Frogger!

Anyplace you go excitement is sure to follow! I am still laughing at the dumb girl jumping up and down in a strapless dress - perhaps she wanted to show off the goodies? LOL

nachtwache said...

'Made in China', that was good! You sound a lot like my other half, he's the family comedian, can be a little wild.... he has stopped waking up friends in the middle of the night, wanting them to party with him. He managed not to drown himself and the one handed canoe owner in the ocean, after tipping the canoe; the hook, where he used to have a hand, helped to get them pulled out and onto the pier. The stories!!!
I agree, the two guys are a bit too skinny, fruity? Not my taste, but thanks for trying.
Sounds like you had a lot of fun and the driving in Quebec is still 'normal' :)

Gypsy said...

My favourite part was about the driving in Quebec. The whole paragraph was bloody hilarious.

Bollinger Byrd said...

nice bods on the guys at the end... tasty... thanks

Walker said...

craziequeen: I'm glad you got a chuckle. I lot was bursting when it came to the maid of honor lol

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: I think she was trying show he excitment of her friend to our pleasure.

I have never been attracted to stretch limos or the such.
Give me a 440 charger to race to the hotel room after the I DOs LOL

Walker said...

nachtwache: I never called anyone in the middle of the night but I do get called alot from other people who are still partying lol

I am one of many comedians in thios family and when more than one of us gets together it becomes a competition for laughts lol

Every beach needs a couple of bananas HA HA HA

Walker said...

Gypsy: But scary when driving in it.
Its funny how we could laugh abpout things once we are home safe in our own provences LOL

Walker said...

Bollinger Byrd: I will have to take your word on that but as I look at them I can't help to wonder that if some of the women I know got their hands on them there wouldn;t be much left to look at HA HA HA

Tammi said...

As usual(blushing)
Some-freakin-how,I mangage to get lost in the story...But THANK GOD for the lovely pictures at the end of your post.I DUG BOTH OF THEM!! and I'm NOT talking about both of the guys.
Yea,you know it's no secret.

Anonymous Boxer said...

ahahah - I'm sure the bride was envisioning THAT happening when she picked the bridemaid's dresses! Thanks for the shout out to your American Bloggers for a safe and sane 4th

Walker said...

Tammi: Gezzz it's hard enough competing with men for women now I have to cpmpete with you too LOL

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: I guess the brides maid wouldn't make much of a runway model but a stripper, maaaaaaaay be

having my cake said...

Oh, I love a good wedding and that sounds like a corker! BTW, I too like my brandy or Jack Daniels on the rocks or just plain naked. I think it's sacrilege to add ginger ale or some other fizzy dilution Ugh!

BikerCandy said...

Ah, another day in the life of Walker! The part about the maid of honor cracked me up. Did you really get pictures? If so, block out her head and post them...I bet your male readers would be very appreciative! hee hee

Scarlet said...

So ..... where's the rest of the story AND what's up with the tart?!

You been promising for DAYS .... and have yet to deliver.

It's not so good to make a lady wait.

Walker said...

having my cake: I could never understand why change something from the way it was made. Ice I like and usually finish my drink before it melts.
Weddings are a gastronomical adventure. LOL

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Its all the same day.
I don;t think I should. I can't wait to see the wedding video because it was caught on that and alot better that the streaks I got.
I don;t know, some of my female readers mighht like it more LOL

Walker said...

Scarlet: Almost done. It's either do it all on one shot or another TBC which I am trying to avoid.
dwelling on one day is to long LOL