blue moon (2)

Friday, June 27, 2008

Why Me? Part Three ©

When I reached the reception desk there was no one there but the three people sitting in the waiting room looking as worried as I felt.
That means there were at least four people who might have a problem.
I know this might sound bad but I felt a little relief knowing the odds that it wasn’t my mother were good even though not guaranteed.
I moved to an open chair then sat there with everyone else and waited to find out what happened and which one of us was to have a worse day that when it started.

Waiting sucks and what sucks even more is not having someone there you can ask for information.
Even though there were plenty of noises around us I didn’t hear any of them as my mind was focused on a spot on the door where my eyes were burning a hole through while waiting for someone to walk through them for me to pounce on.
Shifting my eyes I looked at the other three one at a time, their eyes were glued to the same spot on the doors too.
We sat there all together in the same bowl of soup waiting for the man to come back and give us some news.

Thirty minutes went by as I sat there in silence lost in my thoughts.
For the last two weeks I have been shopping for plots for my family and four others for my aunts and uncles.
All that I have had on my mind is death and dieing since the beginning of the year and it’s getting to me.
I never really thought about it before until this year after loosing relatives and with my aunt’s illness.
Two were for her and her husband.
It doesn’t get any more real than that.

As I sat there I began to smell the crap I was covered in.
It seemed faint but to me it smell like a truck load and it was only a matter of time before everyone else smelled the pile of crap sitting across from there also.
I got up from my chair and made my way to the desk so I don’t poison everyone else’s air and also to try and see if I could at least hear something from the other side of those doors but I could hear anything.
I could take a mask from the box and walk right in there and look from my mother, it’s not like I’m scared of anyone but I was scared of what I might find.

I started walking up the hallway until I reached the other end then turned and walked back towards the doors then repeated my steps from the beginning when I reached the other end.
It’s what I did when I was in jail to; I walked and thought, thought and walked some more until i was free of what caused me to think so deeply.
An hour went by and others patients with a friend or family member showed up and filled the waiting room but there was still no one there yet.

When I turned at t he end of the hallway the doors swung open and the man was back and behind his desk so I picked up the pace and rushed back.
No sooner that I got back a nurse came from behind the doors wearing a long face and looking at the floor.
The nurse sat down and whispered.
I felt like my soul had left my body and was left totally empty.
The nurse put her arm around the woman in front of me and slowly lifted her to her feet then walked through the doors together.

I walked to the counter and asked about my mother.
The man said that they had had a problem and had fallen behind but they were doing her now.
I turned and walked back to my chair and sat down holding a magazine I took from the rack but I couldn’t read no matter how many times I opened the rag.
All I could think about was that woman.

That’s when I realized that my father was still outside roasting in his car and asked how much longer.
The guy said it would be at least another 45 minutes.
Taking the news I went downstairs to tell my father that it was going to be a while longer and to go home if he wanted.
He decided to wait because it would only mean going home for twenty minutes before he had to come back.

I slowly went back into the hospital trying to waste as much time as possible and to make sure I wasn’t in the same place to long as to not stink up the place.
This time when I got upstairs to the waiting room there was no one there but the guy behind the desk and I sat there by myself waiting.

A little while later a woman walked out with the other woman who had received the news all puffy faced, as she was lead down the hallway.
Right behind her the doors swung open once more and my little 80-year-old Penguin waddled out, eyes bulging out of her head.

She walked up to me and said that it hurt.
It hurt more than last time.
I asked if it was a bigger pain in the ass than the old man.
She said it wasn’t that bad.
Then she told me what happened.
The person before her had a stroke while they were examining her.

We walked down the hallway together and went downstairs to the car.
My father asked how it went and she said that the person who examined her said that everything was perfect and she doesn’t have to go back for one for another five years.

On the way back home my father told her about my little escapade then told me how stupid I was for helping the old man.
He said that if anything would have happened to him that I would probably be to blame.
That just pissed me off and I shot back at him.
My mother told me not to bother because my father always has to say something stupid.

My father would be the first one looking for help from a stranger but the last to actually help a stranger.
My mother is the complete opposite.

I bitch and complain while I am helping someone but that’s my way of letting out steam and relaxing.
It sounds nuts but I work better under pressure and more so when I am pissed.

I believe or hope that if I stop and help that maybe some day some one I help would help someone else even a stranger.
Who knows, maybe that stranger is one of my kids, parents or a friend of mine, or yours.

As we were pulling up the lane way my father asked my mother is she smelled something funny.
She said no.
He looked at me through the rear view mirror and asked if I smelled something.
No, can’t say that I do.

When I walked into the house I looked at the clock and it was five to twelve.
Not even noon yet wait until i tell you how my brother almost got me killed later on that night.
I stripped down right there inside the door and walked to the kitchen and tossed my clothes in the garbage then I went and took a long HOT shower.

I am off to Montreal for a wedding on Sunday and I am going to get good and drunk.
If I wasn't coming back the same night I would call this woman I know with legs that go all the way up to her tits or is it tits that go all the way down to her legs, who cares, I'd have had one hell of a time like last time when she was here.
Hmmm do I really have to come back the same night?

Have a nice weekend



Gypsy said...

Good Lord I could really feel your pain as you were pacing up and down waiting for news. That kind of anxiety can be crippling and oh the poor woman who got the bad gives me chills. I'm so happy your mother is doing so well.

Have a good time at the wedding Walker. After that ordeal you deserve to get good and drunk AND get laid, not necessarily in that order. Bust a few John Travolta moves and you'll be good to go.

Lindy said...

Jesus man!!! You certainly don't lead a charmed life. But remember, what comes around goes around. You deserve the best & someday soon, you'll get your just desserts. I hope you're near when I get ready to kick the bucket. If I live I'll visit you everyday & thank God for you.

DJ Genocyde said...

Dude, after reading what you had to write, I have to say that you're blunt as hell, you don't pull any punches and you're funny as hell.

I say let's make a movie of your life...starring Nick Nolte!

BikerCandy said...

Well the way I look at it is your karma is great and what goes around comes around. You helping so many people will come back to you in the end.

I'm really glad it was not your mother that had the stroke. I know what it's like to be paralyzed by the fear that your parents may not make it. It sucks!

Walker said...

Gypsy: Whgen I found out it wasn't my mother I was happy but it was little releif when I looked in that woman's eyes and feeling her pain.

Have you ever watched Powder?
There is a seen when he touches the dieing deer and then touched the hunter that shot him at the same time and the hunter felt the pain the deer did.
That's how I felt at that moment.

I will have a good time but if i get drunk I will probably burting up like John Belushi not Travolta LOL

Walker said...

Lindy: I don't mind helping people.
Gives me on more thing to bitch about to ;)
I believe if you give help to those that deserve it, (let's face it there are leeches out there who want other people to do it for them instead on trying to do it themselves)then one day they might be in possition to help someone else.

I have to disagree with you one one thing though.
From my perspective I do lead a charmed life even with all the grief that comes my way.
I have the privilage of living life instead of watching it.
I can say I know how you feel to someone and really know how they feel.

I have lived through alot and have learned more than I could ever learn out of books and on TV.
I have also learned to understand people more.
I look underneath the surface and if it's a woman WOOOO HOOOO

To many times we judge people from what we visually see.
I think there is more to it than that but the only way you can compare but to do that yopu have to live a little and I love to live.

Walker said...

DJ Genocyde: NO NO not Nick Nolte.
Gary Busey so I can claim brain damage ;)

I have to be blunt because I am not the sharpest tool in the drawer and being funny distracts people from my bluntness.
I guess that would make me a prick, hmmmm.

Oh well.

Why beat around the bush when you can just dive in and get down to business, otherwise you might find your ass tossed out on the floor.
Besides I can't type and beating around the busy is just more work LOL

Here's the short of it.
I say what I want to say as I would say it to one of my friends.
I try not to mix words, (Typos not don't count)and I try to be as clear as possible.
BUT the most important part is to still try and be respectful at the same time.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Honestly I don't want any of it coming back to me.
I rather it went out and spread to other people.

That wouldl make my, our lives a hell of a lot better.

One act of kindness could spell world peace on day.

There have been very few times that my heart stopped while i was still alive.
When my daughter was sick and almost died.
My mother getting cancer.
My best friend being found gunned down in a ditch........

It's the worse feeling I have ever felt and i never want to get used to that feeling.

Blazngfyre said...

I say "STAY!"


Just be careful .... whatever you choose.

Anonymous said...

You've such a good heart and I can just feel the agony of waiting for news...whatever it may be. Thank God in your case, it turned out ok and that the person before your mom was the unfortunate one and that caused all the delay..but STILL....they should be able to at least give some kind of news...instead of keeping the families waiting in agony....
Have a GOOD time at the wedding Walker! After all this, you deserve it!

Sally said...

Have fun at the wedding!!

Behave yourself!!


Monogram Queen said...

So glad to hear your Mother is doing well. It's so scary as our parents age and have health problems :(

Peter said...

Great to hear that your "80 year old penguin" came through it all, just shows how tenuous a hold we have on life doesn't it.