blue moon (2)

Thursday, June 05, 2008

The Results ©

The test results are back and the verdict is in, my diet and lifestyle has to change.
As some of you might remember I went to have some blood tests done at my unfriendly neighbourhood vampire pub.
They know I hate them.
They know I know that they know that I know that they love to hurt me too.
You know?

I walked into the Victims room and booked in with the Vampirist at the window then turned to sit with the other cattle in the room that were also waiting to be bled.
It was about a forty-five minute wait before I was called into the back by my not so favourite bloodsucker.
The last time I was here she was playing darts with my arm and she was using lawn darts by the look of my arm when I left there.

She could see I was nervous and she asked me if I was scared of needles.
I wanted to tell her “only when t hey were in her hands” but it wasn’t risking pissing her off and watching her pull out a jackhammer to use on my arm.
She tied off my arm then I watched as my veins popped up and wonder, how the fuck can anyone miss those monster.

BUT SHE FUCKEN DID!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s it; I think these people should have to go for bloody eyes tests before someone gets stabbed in the fucken hearts.
She could see my piercing eyes bearing down on her and was probably thinking I was imagining her naked.
Maybe if she was being raked over hot coals.

Seven vials later, my arm looking like a dehydrated bruised banana she’s done and hands me a sample bottle for a urine sample.
Ummm no one said I had to pee in a bottle so I went at home and because I wasn’t allowed to have anything to eat or drink I hadn’t even had a drop of water because when my mother saw me going to drink one she said I wasn’t allowed to, so I didn’t.
The Vampire said I could drink water.
Why do I always listen to my mother, fuck?

Bottle in hand I am lead to the washroom where I was supposed to fill it, OH and she says I have to let a little out first.
Little out first, she says.
I’m luck if there is a little in me.
I am better off trying to fill it with spit.
Maybe the last person before me didn’t flush and I could just grab some from the toilet.
I look in but I wasn’t that lucky.

She calls in to ask me if I was ok and I told her yes but I still can’t go.
Then she tells me to run the tap.
I turn the tap on and wait but nothing is stirring yet and I told her as much.
Then I tell her I have an idea but I need her help.
I hear a hesitant “What is it” from the other side of the door.

“Sing and I might pee”, I told her.
“Are you crazy”, she thumped back through the door.
“No, no, music makes me pee”, I said to her.
“I am not going to sing so you could pee”, she said.
“Come on, do it for science”, I begged.
“And what do you want me to sing”, she asked.
“Do you know Patricia the Stripper, by Chris De Burg”, I inquired?

A long silence came from the other side of the door.
I strained my ears and I swear I could hear humming, I think I did but whatever it was I laughed so hard I filled half the bottle.
Stepping out I handed her the bottle and as I was leaving she asked me is music makes me pee, what makes me shit?
I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, “You holding a needle”.

To start off the day I have to take a shot glass of pills most of which are vitamins especially 2000 mg of Vitamin D.
Seems that I don’t get enough sun.
Hello, Ontario Canada, what’s sun?
The brightest thing we see here is snow.

Just then I got this idea and called up my case group in charge of my disability payments.
They don’t have case people here anymore they have case units.When I first was told a unit was going to take over my case I had visions of four sexy vixens taking on my case.

Walker’s Angel’s
Walker's Reality

I was kinda close.
So I figure I would use the results of my tests and for once try at take advantage of my situation.
So I sent my reality an email telling them how I was suffering from a lack of sun and the doctors recommend that I move someplace sunny and warm, like Hawaii.

If you’re going to go for something might as well go for something big. “Wink”
An hour later I get an email response from my team of tutu wearing foursome saying that they were on my case and had dispatched my request and I should taken care of by the end of the day.

See what I mean.
This is Canada baby; we get it DONE and FAST.
By the end of the day I will be on my way to the land of grass skirts, Mai Tais and some Maui Waui to smoke.

Ok, back to the pills.
I have 9 to take and one of them is so that I could digest the other 8.
Heaven forbid I don’t digest them and get myself arrested for assault because I ate a bowl of chilli then blasted a hole through the seat of my pants and kneecapping the poor bastard walking behind me.

It seems, as we get older they want us to take more drugs.
No wonder our kids are getting fucked up.
By the time the kids are sixteen the parents are sedated on depression drugs, fatigue drugs, vitamins, diet pills, laxatives and what ever else our doctors send us home with.
We wake up in the morning looking like we barely won the battle with the grim reaper and after taking all our meds we jump out of the washroom looking like a hyped up race horse filled up with fibre ready to start the running and shitting that you’ll be doing all day long.
Then we sit glassy eyed and tell them not to do drugs because it’s bad, just before you tumble out of the chair.

I will have to figure out my pill dilemma while I'm sitting on the beach in Maui.
OH, hold on, there’s someone at my door.

I’m back.
It’s a package from my case unit.
Boy those guys work fast.
I open the box and pull out its contents.



Oh well

Aloha everyone

Oh and Blaze, I took your advice and got a Kirby for the carpet and it didn't help.
In fact I think it's dirtier now.

Have a nice day

Walker

28 comments:

having my cake said...

You see, that's what happens when people of Greek heritage move to Northern climes! Rickets! Bad luck about Maui!

LMAO at the nurse turning your bowels to jelly. Ive been very fortunate but I had to take the teen for bloods when she was about six. The nurse bruised her so badly that the people in the blood department were really angry and wanted to know who did that!

I hear you on those vitamins tho. My nutritionist sold me so many for all my ailments, I rattled when I walked. And now the menopause is looming and there are a whole shelf of additional potions to assist with this and that which I cant get from my normal diet.

Keep taking the tablets x

Blazngfyre said...

ROFLMAO!!!

I love you Walker .... I really do!
I very much needed a good laugh today.

Hey, you can move down here to Sunny Florida! We have LOTS of sunshine, and LOTS of half nekkid, big-boobied red-heads.

Just a thought .....

nachtwache said...

SAD lights; I'd like more sunshine, we have lots of the liquid kind.
Are you taking the doc's advise and live healthier?
I'm sure you already knew.
I hear dark chocolate is good for you. There's lots of yummy food, that's healthy. Good luck.

Bollinger Byrd said...

Loved the song!
You may take 9 tabs, but I'm the person who went back to the docs to beg to be put back on the tabs that give me thrush.... I don't think I'll say any more, more fun that way.
bbx

Walker said...

having my cake: Sometime i think these nuses have no training or the spend their lunch hour dulling the points on the needles.
I have always hated going for blood work and i don't see me liking them in the future either.

My kids flip out when going for shot as well.

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: Aw thank you, I'm happy you had a good laugh. :)

Florida sounds gret and i understand thee is a large Canadian contigient there as well.
Maybe we can get enough Canadians down there to we could annex it as a provence.
We have health care :)
I'll massage the redheads

Walker said...

nachtwache: My biggest problem is I don;t eat as much and when I do it's not proper food. I do my best and my fridge is over flowling with fruits and veggies but its not enough unless you can eat 400 pounds a day and you know what that would do to my figure lol

Walker said...

Bollinger Byrd: I think I know what you;re talking about cuss my ex got it from mediocation she was taking and guess who she passed it on to every time :(

JYankee said...

oh no...bad news... change your lifestyle walker...we need you around to post more hilarious stuff!

Gypsy said...

I'll trade your blood tests for having all my teeth yanked out.

If Florida doesn't do it for you, Australia has plenty of Vitamin D rays. I've got enough Vitamin D in my system for 10 unhealthy Canadians. I'm sure I could even rustle up a few big breasted redheads for you. How many do you want and I'll put out the call?

Monogram Queen said...

I just laugh at the freakin' pills I have to take...

"if music makes me pee, what makes me shit?
I looked her straight in the eyes and told her, “You holding a needle”." Classic. Priceless. Love it.

Walker said...

JYankee: Its my diet i have to change or eat more and on time.

Sure keep Walker around to make a monkey out of himself LOL

Walker said...

Gypsy: I don;t envy your dental work or your ms thats for sure but if your dentist wouldn;t have been a giggling fool but a hot sex thing then I might LOL

One partner is more than enough and to be honest sixe of boobs or haircolor in the last thing on the list but it would be nice ;)

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Classic, hmmm does that make me old LOL

Anonymous Boxer said...

they have to use pediatric needles on my arms to pull blood...

I refuse to take any pills for my high cholesterol; I know they "work" but I believe most can be controlled with diet and exercise. I put all of the "good" crap I need into one big smoothie every morning and after MY tests next week I'll know if it's working.

Make sure you "Google" everything they gave you and understand the NASTY potential side effects, 'kay?

You know where to find me if you want that smoothie recipe.

BikerCandy said...

It's hell getting old and having to take medications just to function normally...but it beats the alternative right?

Lindy said...

Shit, I'm so into getting healthy that I'm going to the doctor once a week. And we don't have health care unless we pay for it individually. Course, I'm choking down those pills one by one every day. You can too. Just think of those blood suckers drilling for your gold & that should make it easier to swallow.

Peter said...

Always a fun visit to the vampire cave Walker.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: I do my best to eat right and my coleserol is actually below normal LOL

It's that I forget to eat at the proper times and I don;t eat enough of what I should be eating but you can send me the smoothie recipe its got to be better than raw eggs.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Anything is better than the alternative.
Pretty soon vitamines are going to be on menus across the nation lol

Walker said...

Lindy: I hear you and i eat good food I just got to eat more of it and supliment with the vitamines.
The meds i take are a fact of life, c'est la vie.

Walker said...

Peter: Its probably the only time a female is happy to see me lately, to bad she has a needle in her hand LMAO!!!!

muse said...

Lack of Vitamin D! That must be the new popular ailment...I had different symptoms...My right nipple twitched. Yeah, when you get through cracking up...I will tell you about it. Done? It was maddening...like your eye will twitch? That is what my nipple was doing except...you couldn't see it and if you put your hand over the affected spot you couldn't feel it. But it was there 35-40 times a day. Dr. put me on Lyrica, which is used to treat fibromyalgia-which I don't have. It worked. Then a couple of months later, I noticed the inside of my left ear would feel like it was going to sleep. It would start in a small area and the ripple outward until almost the whole left side was tingling and then the sensation would fade away...She put me back on the Lyrica and it was getting better. When I discussed these new things with my rhuematologist she order some different labs...Guess what? Vitamin D and Folic Acid defiencies.

So now, I am taking a good multi-vitamin and wahlah...no more twitching.

gab said...

Aw Walker they were so mean to you! I need more vitamins my self but with all the other stuff they shove down me for the arthritis and high blood pressure and my heart I just dont wanna take anything else.

Jac said...

Hahahah, a vampire cave ? I can't stop laughing buddy.

Walker said...

muse: I'm not laughing....any more.
Can you imagine if it was another part of you that was twitching like thta LOL

I have the same problem with part of my neck and I jump sometimes because it feels like someone is touching me.

Walker said...

gab: Taking oills isa pain in the ass. Part of thee time i forget and screw my times up by taking them later and before you know it i will be taking a weeks supply all at once just to catch up

Walker said...

Jac: That's good Jac but you wouldn;t if you were sitting in the chair, I would be laughing LMAO!!!!!