blue moon (2)

Friday, May 09, 2008

Blinded By The Mango ©

It’s about fucken time, the weather has gotten with the program and I could peel off the long underwear.
The damn buttons on the escape hatch in the back have permanently branded my butt from sitting on them for so long.

A couple of nights ago I decided that I was bored enough to get off of the couch and make some fruit salad.
On my last shopping trip I had picked up some tropical fruit just for that reason so I emptied the fridge off everything and anything that looked like a fruit.
Oh, FYI, beware of fuzzy tomatoes; they look like giant kiwi fruits.
I got to clean the fridge out more often me thinks.

Out on the counter I had a papaya, 2 mangos, 1 star fruit, a Chinese pear and a pineapple.
I also had some red seedless grapes and a half dozen granny smith apples I was going to chop and use for something solid to chew on because everything else was kinda mushy fruit.

I have dealt with mangos before and know how to chop those suckers into cubes now but I have never dealt with a papaya before so I googled it and found out the basically you can eat the whole thing but the peel.
They said you have to be careful not to take too much off as not to waste any of the fruit.
I stood there with my fillet knife in my hand thinking how good I am a filleting fish.
By the time I was done with it, it looked like Freddy Kruger had done the job, not me.

Spinning it this way and that trying to find the right spot to cut into it when I settled on chopping the ends off first.
As I stood there looking at the pieces I cut off I noticed that the skin was as thin as a potatoes’, so I dug out the potato peeler and started peeling the papaya like that.
It was all going well until I got half of it peel and then it became really slippery and a problem to hold and peel at the same time so I got my butcher knife and drove it through the center and into the cutting board then finished peeling it.

After cleaning all the fruits I chopped them into cubes and dumped them into a large stainless steal bowl where I combined them all together with a jug of orange juice and a half a cup of lemon juice.

NO SUGAR

After I had everything mixed up well, I transferred the fruit salad into some plastic containers and put one in the fridge then brought the other to my mother’s place so they could try some of the fruit they saw me buy and never had before.
I told then there was no sugar in it AND NOT TO PUT ANY IN.
My parents have this bad habit of adding sugar to anything that’s already sweet or sour.
They put sugar on their yogurt and olive oil, they put that on everything to, except yogurt that is.

So I told them what was in it, they sat there and stared at my blankly at me pretending they understood what the hell I was telling them then I put the container in their fridge and went back home.
About three hours later I went over to see how they were doing and as soon as I stepped into the kitchen I was taken aback.
I found then sitting in front of the TV.
My mother’s face was all swollen up and her eyes were almost shut.
Her face looked like she had lost a fight with the heavy weight champion of the world, Sally Struthers.

I stood there looking, wondering WTF, they were mutating before my eyes.
So I threw out a question.

So how, how’s it going?
“Wince”
My mother turned her face to me and squinted, well I think she was squinting and said they ate some of my fruit salad.

Ah I see.
So did you eat anything else or maybe get mugged by a football team?

“Wince”
She said all they had was the fruit salad but my father did have a grilled cheese sandwich.
I looked at my father and he was covered with red blotches and he was scratching at them with a passion so I looked away quickly so he wouldn't notice the worried look in my eyes.

I know my mother is allergic to peaches but there wasn’t any peaches in the fruit salad but my father had no allergies until he ate my fruit salad.
Maybe it was the grilled cheese, you never know and he farts a lot so it might have affected my mother too.

So, how are you feeling?
“Wince”
She said she was feeling a little tired and could hardly keep her eyes open.
How could she keep them open, the eye lids looked like the weighed a pound each?

Just then my brother walked in from work took one look at my mother and froze then went to say something but he got so choked up and went mute.
Blindly he accepted a bowl of fruit salad that I passed him.
As he inhaled the contents of the bowl he stopped and asked my mother what happened to her face.
She said there was nothing wrong with her face and my brother pointed out that, yes there was something wrong then looked at my father to ask him to look at her to but he stopped mid sentence and stared at him for a second before asking him what was wrong with his, face.
My father gave my brother a nasty look and asked my brother if he had been drinking because something was affecting his eyesight because there was nothing wrong with his face.

That’s when my brother started getting pissed and left the room only to return with a mirror and passed it to my mother.
She took one look at her face and freaked out.
My father told her that her face looked like a balloon.
She looked at at my father and told him that his face looked like he had the measles.
Jumpimh out of the chair he grabbed the mirror to look and then I had two piss off old people on my hands.

My father said it was all my fault for bringing in weird fruit from other countries that was probably genetically altered to make westerners sick.
I looked at him and said they don’t put stuff in fruits to make you sick they only put stuff in to make your balls shrivel up like raisins.
Well that only made it worse.

My brother asked my mother what she ate and she told him they only ate a fruit salad I had made for them.
Then he told her that she better not eat any more but she assured him that she wasn’t because he ate the rest of it.
He looked at the empty bowl then gave me a dirty look and freaked out saying I always eat weird shit.

What, like all of this is my fault?

In a way I felt bad but on the positive side we know they have allergies to tropical fruits and wouldn’t last long on a deserted island without olive oil and sugar.
I called my doctor and told him what happened and after he got up off of the floor from laughing he told me my mother shouldn’t be eating fruits from tree because she has an allergy to trees but the swelling shouldgo away in a couple of days and for my father he sent a prescription to the pharmacy for me to pick up to help with his itching.
So now my parents are next door watching TV.
One with her face swollen up like a balloon and my father with a bright white cream all over his face.
He looks like one of those old Vaudeville actors in white face.
Personally I like the salad and I think it liked me.

Hmmm, I wonder what my brother will wake up to HA HA HA!!!!!!

Have a nice weekend

Walker

16 comments:

nachtwache said...

Man, you ought to be a comedian, I could barely finish reading, I laughed so hard, tears were clouding my vision, ohh that was a great post!!

gab said...

OMG! your poor parents. What did they ever do to you? Wait dont answer that! lol (j/k) Wow that had to be terrrible for them though. Here you are trying to be nice by mixes them up a portion of your fruit salad only to have them be alergic to it. As for your brother watch out he may end up with two heads! lolololol (sorry)

Dotm said...

Hope both your mom and dad are doing better. Awful when you try to do something nice for someone and it backfires that way. Hope your brother didn`t inherit their alergic reaction and glad you didn`t.
At least you were trying to be a good son and that should count the most to them.

Lindy said...

It could only happen to you. That was hilarious but your poor parents. You better hope they don't decide to 'get even'. I bet Momma could whip up some pretty mean payback!

Anonymous Boxer said...

you are a baaaad boy.

aahahaha.

JYankee said...

well...we didn't KNOW about this...did we???? LOL..that was really funny though...

Gypsy said...

Admit it...you're hoping for something really bad for your brother aren't you? Hoping mum and dad return to normal soon.

Walker said...

nachtwache: I'm happy you had a nice laugh :)

Walker said...

gab:I hope not, i can;t handle the one of him speaking LOL

Walker said...

Dotm:They are all better toiday which is Sunday. My brother wasn;t allergic but he did have to stay close to the washroom lol
As you get older alergies develope according to my doctor

Walker said...

Lindy: I don;t think they will need payback, just being themselves is more than enough LOL

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: OK Who told?

Walker said...

JYankee: I honestly didnt think it would affect them this way or I would have done it a long time ago HA HA HA

Walker said...

Gypsy: I don't hope anything bad happens to anyone but child molesters if it does, oh well, how was I supposed to know :)

Monogram Queen said...

Well that could have ended VERY badly but alls well that ends well!

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Everything is back to normal, what ever that is LOL