blue moon (2)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Poke N Prod ©

I am bored and bleeding all over the place like a stuck pig.
It’s a funny thing.
When you cut your hand, you bleed for a bit then it stops unless it a big cut like your hand’s on the floor and you are wondering if crazy glue will work to put it back on.
That NO MORE NAILS stuff is good to and the idea of NOT nailing my hand back on is appealing..
If I cut off my right hand, I ‘m going to hell for sure.
It’s true; I tested it out.
I tried to dial 911 with my left hand and I kept hitting 666.

NOW, if you cut your forehead or in this case ear it bleeds almost at will and a lot of blood.
I was bored so I decided I had enough TV and will go down into the basement to see if I could dislodge some of the junk down there to toss or sell in next months garage sale.
Back in the depths of my basement where even Frick dare not venture, I pushed my way through all the crap I have put back there as has my father and 40 years of friends and other relatives to see if there was a gun somewhere I could shoot myself with because by the time I got to the back wall I figured I was lost and would die of dust inhalation.

I found my uncles wedding album in a trunk that he had stored there.
It was filled with pictures of him and his ex wife when they got married.
He looked happy.
I should give it too him to remind him what he looked like with a smile, ha ha ha, just kidding, maybe.
The computer store junk is down here to which I have to cull.
It’s over here, and over there…..and back here…..I found a fishing hook.
It’s not a gun but it might work or I could end up looking like an old geezer going through a midlife crisis and trying to look a little punkish.
Oh wait that’s Iggy Pop.
Bastard spit on me once but I got even beaned him with a beer can.
Then everyone one started throwing beer around.
It was part of the show.
Iggy comes out spitting and hosing down the crowd and the in turn throw the plastic cups of beer getting everyone wet and smelling like a drunk who has been sleeping in his piss for a month.
Now that was the problem.
The beer in the plastic cups the sold everyone that they threw.
You see, it’s cheaper to bring you own and they stay colder in cans but the only problem is they can only go so car empty and I hate spilling good beer so why empty it before to toss it on the stage.
How did I know he couldn’t catch for shit?

While I was yanking on a entertainment center to get to the 60 gallon aquarium I turned and a light fixture that my father installed sliced the inside of my left ear.
I could feel the blood run down the side of my face and neck.
I didn’t want to touch my ear with my hand because it was pretty dirty from moving 90 years of dust in some places.
I went upstairs to the washroom and looked in the mirror and freaked.
There was a lot of blood on my ear, face and neck.
I grabbed a washcloth and with cold water started washing my ear.
When I got it all clean the cloth and sink were pink with blood but when I looked at my ear I could hardly see the tiny cut.

Weird, so much blood poured out of a small nick like that but when I slashed my palm it bled less than half of what I saw come out of my ear.
Maybe when in war we should be shooting people in the ear to kill them?
Vampires have been missing out as have all the their female victims who love getting their ears sucked instead of their necks chewed.

After making sure my ear wasn’t bleeding any more I went back downstairs to close the lights and give it a rest for the night.
In the morning I had to go to the doctors for my yearly physical.

I woke up in the morning and by habit I went around doing my morning business then went downstairs and called my father.
I book both our appointments at the same time to save time.
As I was sitting on the couch I realized that he is going to want a urine sample and I just drained myself.
Fuck I thought so I went and drank three twenty-ounce glasses of water hoping by the time I got to the doctor I would have to go.
The whole trip to the doctor’s office my father complained that I was hitting every pothole in the street.
Well, I needed to jostle it around a bit to encourage drainage.

At the doctors office my father went first and I sat around talking to the nurse, the doctors sister.
Then she took me too be weighed.
Now before I left the house I weighed myself and I weighed 245 pounds with my shorts on.
That’s 80 pounds less than what I weight three years ago but I still can’t get rid of that last twenty-five pounds I want off.
Damn chocolate.

I got on the scales and they said I weighed 267 pounds.
I told her to wait and took my shoes off and emptied my pockets of their contents then got on again.
This time I weighed 265 pounds.
I told her the scales were wrong.
She said she takes off five pound for clothes.
I told her she is still five pounds off.
She took me to the exam room to wait for the doctor, it was a short wait, he came in about two minutes tater and said hello.
I said, your scales lie more than a politician up for re-election.
He said he had someone in to calibrate them.

He asked me the usual bunch of questions like, do you smoke?
I say no.
He asks do you toke and I say yes and he writes down smokes.
So he always wins.
How much do you drink?
Questions like that.
I told him I don’t drink much but I did have a couple of beers the other day when I ate 4-5 pounds of wings.
He just looked at me and scribbled something down in my file, hmmm.

He looked at my throat and listened to my chest and said pneumonia.
I told him I rather vanilla.
So I got a script for football pills to take care of it.
He told me he is sending me for blood tests but thinks I should wait a month before I go because he wants to check my cholesterol and after all those wings he thought it would be smart.

My doctor is the casual kind of guy.
He shoves his hand up my butt and while playing with my prostate he is asking if I could possibly look at his computer because it isn’t running right.

I don’t know; I’m kinda ……busy right now trying to keep my eyes in my head but maybe after, if my insides don’t pour out all over the fucken place because of that whole tube of lubricant you used, I can have a look.

On the way home I asked my father what the doctor said to him and he said everything was still like it used to be but he had to get some blood tests done and go for an ultra sound.
I stopped at the Lab on the way back home, it’s only two blocks from our house.
He went in and they took blood from him so all his medical stuff for the moment was done so we headed off for home.
When we got home I went straight to the scales and weighed myself.
Hmmm, they were the same as the doctors.

I met my parents in the kitchen for lunch and sat at the table when my mother asked me if I wanted a coke with lunch or water.
Water, that was the answer.
I drank five fucken pounds of water in those three 20 ounce glasses so I could pee at the doctor’s office.

As we were sitting there at the table my father produced a plastic zip lock bag they gave him at the lab and he said the lady told him he had to fill this and bring it back.
I took the plastic bag and pulled out the papers inside and read them.
The want a stool sample from my father.
Basically it’s a smear on a piece of cardboard so they can look for signs of blood.

My father doesn’t understand English very well so he doesn’t know what they told him.
He has never had to give a stool sample before so this is new to him so I told him that they wanted a stool sample.

He looked at the baggie and asked me if he was supposed to fill that bag and bring it back.
I look at the bag and look at him and my brain said no but my mouth said yes and I stuck the papers in my pocket.

Then I told him that it wasn’t allowed to fall in the toilet and always kept dry.
He asked me how he was supposed to do that?
I told him there were several ways that come to mind.
There was the bent over with the arm between the legs method where you catch it as it comes out.

My father almost jumped out of his chair objecting that he would get his hand all covered in shit.
I told him he could wear Playtex gloves.
My mother was laughing her ass off on the couch as she listened to us.
He gave her a dirty look but he won’t say anything because he knows what my mother has had to go through.

Then I told him there was another option.
He could put one of my mothers plates in the toilet and he could just go on that.
My mother hopped up saying that no one was shitting in her plates.
I told her that the food went from the plate to his body so it was only right that it land back in the same plate on the way out.

I played with them for about another half hour before I told them the truth and how he needed to do it.
My mother laughed, my father called me a colourful name.

Well, that’s if for now from in my little corner of the world.

Have a nice day



Luka said...

You are a wicked man, Walker, teasing like that! I love the idea of him thinking he had to fill the entire plastic bag though.

Walker said...

Luka: He is the one that brought it up all I did was go with it LOL
Having harmless fun does the soul good for all concerned.

Patti said...

Thanks Walker, you made me laugh today. It felt good!

nachtwache said...

As usual, I enjoy reading your post and am laughing; you have a special way of telling a story. Good fun :) Does your dad never doubt some of the things you tell him?
Bleeding every once in a while is good, it lessens your chance of a heart attack.

Blazngfyre said...

Your poor Father!
Butt oh so funny! lol ;)

Lindy said...

You know, one of these days your father is gonna come up with one really good one on you. Hope all your tests come out ok. I'll let you know my results if you tell us yours.

Jac said...

You write damn good buddy !

Have a nice weekend

Walker said...

Patti: If you laughed then you made my day :D

Walker said...

nachtwache: My parents trust me and they know I may mess around with heir minds a bit but I don;t go over board.

I like having fun and if I think I could make someone laugh, it lightens some of the weight i carry.

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: Oh he is ok, today when I walked into the house he said "where do I have to drop off the shit" LOL

Walker said...

Lindy: I remember when show me yours and I'll show you mine was fun ha ha ha

Walker said...

Jac: Thank you Jac, so do you

Gypsy said...

So now you have pneumonia AND a lacerated ear. We're a couple of old crocks you and I. I think if we amalgamate all our good bits together we might be able to get one half decent person out of it. What d'ya think?

You are a wicked tease and one day your poor old dad is going to pay you back.

Feel better soon and watch out for low flying light fixtures.

Shaz said...

This is so funny even when your crook honey you give me the giggles and then I get strange looks from the rest of the house who dont want to read it just have me relay it!!! In my words it just sounds as if we are both clear so I just tell them I am laughing at porn and they walk away works every time.

having my cake said...

Newskin for cuts on hands and fingers. It stings like hell to start with but works wonders. As to the other stuff, you are sooooo mean! But it was very funny :)

Shaz said...

Oh and I ment Queer not clear lol

Anonymous Boxer said...

Don't believe those Doctor scales, they tell me the same thing.

BTW, paramedics use super glue to close wounds, but Cake is right; Newskin is the best.

Keep that clean and don't let it get infected.

Oh, and stop torturing your parents :-)

Peter said...

Hi Walker, I went through a similar routine with my Dad a few years ago but sadly I missed the comic side of it that you captured so well.
Thanks for your continued support while Vicki has been such a worry to us Peter.

Walker said...

Gypsy: Hmmmm sounds good but it would be a problem peeing.

Ah my parents laughed after ion fact five days later my father asked "What do I do with this shit now"?

Walker said...

Shaz: You see, when I am sick I can't think straight lol

Walker said...

having my cake: I have to try that.
Do they have new ear?

If I am inthe right mood, I will play.

Walker said...

Shaz: I'm not queer, I'm a lesbian.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: HEY, they torture me first lol

I don;'t know if I can be trusted with putting crazy glue on my ear. I may shut off what hearing I got left by mistake

Walker said...

Peter: I think we should still play and have fun even when things are serious.

You're welcome Peter.
I think of my blog friends as family and we have all shared similar times and I can understand how you and yours felt.
I am happy things are looking up for Vicki

Anonymous said...

omg Walker you did NOT!!!!???? i was laughing the entire way thru..esp the sh***ting on the plates.... you know how to give your mom high blood pressure right away!!! thanks for the laugh...

Walker said...

JYankee: Yes I did

Oh yeah, my other would die for her plates than have something happen to them.

You're welcome

Susan said...

I hope your dads tests come back clear. Thanks for the chuckles.
They should make a sitcom based on your blog!It would be a #1 hit.

Walker said...

Susan: I hope they do to.
I don;t know, we might end up looked in some insane asylem LOL