Easter, Again? ©

Ok, here we are, midnight and I have to color eggs because my mother can’t and she doesn’t have a fucken daughter.
I should have cut my brother’s pecker off when he was born.
He wouldn’t have noticed it was missing at that age like he forgot about the umbilical cord.

How hard could it be?
Paint two dozen eggs.
One dozen red one and one dozen blue ones.

Ok, instructions.

Take eggs out of fridge and leave out so they could reach room temperature.

WTF are they talking about?
I live in Canada; room temperature is fridge temperature.

When eggs are at room temperature wash well with cold water.

ARE YOU FUCKEN STUPID?
First take them out of the fridge to warm them up and them wash them with cold fucken water?!
Where is the logic in that?
What’s next, allow eggs to get back to room temperature?

Allow eggs to reach room temperature.

Fuck me.

Why would anyone want to wash eggs before the boil them.
Tell me, if boiling the little white embryos doesn’t get them clean and sterile I guarantee you that washing them first in cold water, isn’t going to do it.

DO NOT WASH EGGS IN THE WASHING MACHINE!!!!!!!!
The spin cycle is a killer.

Put pot on burner and turn on to heat water.

Really?
Well I was thinking I would put the pot between my legs and rub it very fast to heat it up, that way I get to polish it at the same time.

When water begins to boil gently place eggs in pot.

Hold on, I’m still scrapping them out of the washing machine.

Boil eggs until they are hard

How do you tell if they are hard?
It’s not like you could squeeze them or something.
Let’s see, a soft-boiled egg takes about three minutes and a hard-boiled egg is about seven minutes.
So, twenty-four eggs times seven minutes equals a hundred and sixty eight minutes or two hour and forty-eight minutes and they say you can't smoke a joint and think.
They should be fucken boiled by then eh?
Almost three hours and four refills of water later I think the eggs are boiled.

In a pot, mix contents of package with four tablespoons of wine vinegar and a litre of hot water.

I don’t have wine vinegar.
I don’t have any vinegar.
WTF am I going to do now.
I look around the kitchen for something to use but all I could find was Easy Off oven cleaner.
I didn’t think it would have been a good idea so I put it back under the sink.
Then I look in the fridge and I saw something that should work.

I get a pot and empty the dye in it then the litre of hot water and one, two, three, four tablespoons of pickle juice from the dill pickle jar.
Stir it all up.

Place eggs in pot and leave in for only three minutes.
NOT MORE
Not less.

Fine fine
Grab pot with eggs and start putting them into dye pot with holey spoon.
When one dozen eggs were in the dye pot I look at the clock and counted off three minutes but then I realized something.
It took me about a minute to get all the eggs in the pot so the ones that went in first should come out first but………….I couldn’t see inside the pot to know which ones I put in first.

After about two and a half minutes, using my holey spoon I started fishing around the inside of the pot pulling the eggs up to see which ones were darker to remove.
It must have taken me about half an hour to get them all out but I now have 12 eggs within the whole shade of red starting from pink all the way up to burgundy.

After eggs dry, use a paper cloth soaked in oil and shine up the eggs.

I grab a bounty and pour oil on it.
I take an egg and wrap the bounty around it then watched it squirt out of my hand and smash on the floor.
I think I may have put to much oil.

After having painted and polished the eleven eggs to a brilliant menagerie of reds I quickly rinsed the pot and started the same procedure to color the blue ones.

I throw in the dye, water and pickle juice then stirred it up before lowering the eggs in as fast as I could this time.
Three minutes later I started pulling out the purple eggs.
Purple eggs?!
The package said blue.
The eggs were purple, WTF?

When you are dealing with multiple things that you are cooking with, do not rinse, WASH.
Or you end up with red dye and blue dye mixing together in the pot.

It’s 3:14am and I should go to bed.
I don’t know if I will post again before the weekend but just in case I don’t, I wish you all a nice weekend and to all the Orthodox Christians out there celebrating Easter.

XRISTOS ANESTI

Walker

Easter Bunnies























Have a nice weekend