blue moon (2)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Amateurs ©


What is it with people and their desire to do things they have no idea about?
Then when they get in trouble they start crying for help.
Wouldn’t it be easier to talk to someone first and learn how it’s done properly before running off blind in the dark smacking your face into ever wall?

It’s like all those people who used to sit at home watching TV getting hypnotized by Home Depot commercials.
In the space of thirty seconds they convince themselves they could add an extension to the house without having to pay for a real builder.
Six months down the road you’re re-mortgaging the house to pay for the real builder to repair what you tried to fix.

Sure, we can do the little things, fix a leak, repair a light fixture, paint, and put down a floor, carpet.
Things that we can afford to loose and brush off as “At least I tried”.

It’s the same with most things in life.
There are professionals who get paid a ridiculous amount of money to do what they know best, their jobs.
If you’re an accountant, people bring their paperwork to you because you know your job.
If your car breaks down, you take it to the mechanic to fix because he knows his job.
Sure you could change a belt or a fuse, change a tire but would you want an accountant changing the breaks on your car or a mechanic?

People are called professionals because they know what they are doing and could do their job with little effort and a lot of thought.
Amateurs are called amateurs because they do the job with a lot of effort and no thought what so ever then they fuck up and need help.
So whom do they call when they are in trouble?


The toilet’s broken?
Call Walker

The computer’s broken?
Call Walker

The car needs a tune up?
Call Walker.

Does anyone call and say “I have to work overtime today so be a buddy and stop by my place and give they old lady a bump for me to keep her happy”
No, never but they call me and say ”Can you come over quick I have a problem with the wife”?

He has a problem with his wife.
They just got back two days ago from Jamaica and he is having problems already.
Maybe she found something smarter over there under a shell.

I asked him what the problem was and he told me that his wife couldn’t go to the washroom.
So let me understand this correctly, you call to tell me you need help with your wife because she can’t go for a shit.
Well it sounds reasonable, if your wife can’t go; you call a Greek for help.

He insists I go over and I insisted that I didn’t want to but after hearing her crying in the background I said I would walk down.
I am a glutton for punishment.

If the shuttle ever breaks down and they call me for help, I’m saying no, that’s final.
So NEVER CALL, because I am not going to answer the phone for NASA.

On the way over to their place I took a detour to the pharmacy and picked up something I needed then went to their place where I found him drinking beer and her smiling/crying at the same time.

He brought me a beer and we sat in the living room to talk.
I asked them how their trip was and she started crying again and ran off to the washroom.
Then he starts telling me the story about their trip to Jamaica.
In fact there is not much to tell.
He said they had a wonderful time and the weather was beautiful and it didn’t get bad until they came back home.
That’s when his wife came back from the washroom and when he looked at her she nodded no to him.

He continues telling me that when they first got there they wanted to buy some pot and found some guy who gave them a good deal on some really good hash.
On the next to last day before they were to leave they got drunk and stoned, fucked all night and came up with the brilliant idea to bring some of this hash back.

I can see where this is going already so I settle back and listen.
These are basically law-abiding citizens who like to smoke their pot; they have no kids so their money is for their leisure so they travel the world and enjoy their free time together.
I have never seen them fight.
I don’t think they know how to break the law but as you will see there is always a first time.

He goes on to tell me that they bought three ounces of this hash resin then packed it in condoms.
When it was about four hours before then had to leave she swallowed ten lubricated condoms filled with the hash thinking because they were lubricated and would slide out of her butt.
I guess they figured the body acids would have nothing to say about that.

Their flight was delayed in transition and that added another six hours to the time it was sitting inside her along with all the food she was eating.
In fact it took them a total of sixteen hours to get home and when she ran to the washroom nothing happened other than a pee, that was two days ago and now she look desperate.
They both asked me if I knew what they could do?

I was doing my best to contain myself from bursting out in laughter.
Do you know how stupid it is to take the risk of smuggling in drugs and for a small amount like $500 is even dumber?
Go, have fun.
Smoke, rink, dance until you drop then fuck until the sun comes up but when it’s time to rock and roll home, leave the junk behind.

I asked them if they tried a laxative and they said yes.
Anal sex?
Her eyes almost popped out of her head, NO!!!!!
I looked at him and laughed, he grinned, she said “NO” again.
HA HA HA, you got to love life when it’s like this.

I figure she was so nervous and tense she could go to the washroom and it didn’t help that she had ten condoms with hash begging to come out pressed up there to.
I took the bag out of my pocket I got from pharmacy and pulled out a small bottle of this stuff they give you to take before you go for a colonoscopy.
It’s like draino for a human.
I told them to mix it with half a glass of water and wait, and then I got up and went to leave.

At the door he said he would call me when it comes out and toss me some hash.
Hmmm I don’t think that’s my kind of shit to smoke.
I told him if this stuff didn’t work that she could probably need an enema.

It must have been about an hour later when the phone rang and it was buddy freaking out and crying.
I’m thinking now what?
I hope his wife didn’t have a stroke and die because of the laxative I gave her.

He said that she took what I gave her almost as soon as I left and about thirty minutes later she had to run to the washroom where we ass exploded into the toilet.
When she walked out of the washroom he said she looked high as a kite, crying with happiness that her ordeal was over.

I told him that I was impressed that he was crying with joy with his wife.
He said they weren’t tears of joy.
He said his wife was so happy to be rid of her burden
She wiped her butt, flushed the toilet and ran out the door to tell him the good news.

Ah C’est la vie

So people remember, do the little jobs around the house but let the professionals do the ones you think you can but can’t and just have some fun.

Have a nice day



Teresa said...

I am not sure whether I should laugh at your friends or shoot them with a gun and put them out of their misery.

Peter said...

"Well it sounds reasonable, if your wife can’t go; you call a Greek for help."

Have you given any thought to changing your Nationality... well as far as your friends know????

Sally said...

OMG, Walker. I never know what I'm going to find here! You have some very wacky friends; thank goodness they know who to call! hahahah :)

Gypsy said...

I'm still gagging from the thought of SWALLOWING a condom, nevermind the aftermath of the colonoscopy preparation. I have had that before and explosive is the word that springs to my mind too.

Now about amateurs....hangs head in shame at this point....I'm sorry I played with my sidebar, fucked it up and then asked you to fix it. Really I am. And btw, I still can't see it. *Slinks away to hide under a rock* :(

Patti said...

You know I can totally see myself flushing too out of pure habit! I'm glad it didn't end badly for your friends!

BikerCandy said...

Now that's a funny story. I'm sure it wasn't so funny for your friends but at least all of us internets got a good laugh today.

Tammi said...

Darn...running out of time here at the library,but had to pop in and say hey...At work,I can read your blog,but for some crazy reason,I can't comment.It pops up "blocked by WEBSENSE" (bummer)
Anyways....hugs hugs
Talk back at cha' soon.

Blazngfyre said...

Just squirt some Windex on it.
ALL of it!

Anonymous said...

are you serious Walker? You've got some amazing friends..I laughed all the way through your story..kind of like a bad nightmare or a truly entertaining Drugstore Cowboy? HA HA.. Gypsy is hiding under a rock...Walker go save her!!!! ROFLMAO!

Walker said...

Teresa: Shooting them would to easy now asking them if the joint they just smoked was good shit would be more fun LOL

Walker said...

Peter: They would find me now matter what I think.

Walker said...

Sally: Yes friends, why do we need them again oh yeah , entertainment

Walker said...

Gypsy: I am serious, its not your template and you didn't much it up.
I still say its your browser settings.
Besides I like playing with your template ;)

Walker said...

Patti : I know I wouldn;t have because I wouldn;t have swallowed condoms with drugs.
Imaging if one breaks.
You wouldn;t need a plane to fly in on the way back lol

Walker said...

BikerCandy : I am never amazed in the kinds of trouble people get into for a quick buck or just because they are stupid for a second but as you said, it makes for some fum posts

Walker said...

Tammi: Hi , that is weird but at least you get to read. I hope you enjoy reading :)

Walker said...

Blazngfyre OUCH!!!!!!!
That's gonna burn

Walker said...

JYankee: Gypsy just likes play peek a boo ;)

I have some crazy friends not amazing.
It's amazing they aren;t doing life in jail for not thinking LOL

Shaz said...

That is so funny i have missed being around and will have to read back and catch up.
I am glad to be back regularly.
She is much braver than me thats for sure.

Kathryn Magendie said...

LAUGHING>...*wiping eyes*....oh, why haven't I been visiting here more often....

Luka said...

Now that's the kind of toilet humour I enjoy!

Walker said...

Shaz: Braver, no stupid yes.
It's nice faving you back to and feeling great :)

Walker said...

Kathryn Magendie : Because you are a busy lady :)

Walker said...

Luka: Thank you for the comments and I am happy you enjoyed :)

Gypsy said...

Okay stop playing with my template now tickles....;)

Walker said...

Gypsy : If you thinks so I will but I haven't realy started tickling yet ;)

having my cake said...

Im with Gypsy! The whole idea of swallowing a condom - UGH!

Walker said...

having my cake: Hey I wouldn't do it or attempt bringing in drugs from another country.

nachtwache said...

Some of your friends come pretty close to qualify for a Darwin award! At least they make it for the honorable mention list.
For you it's great blogging material! I've got to find myself some crazy friends. :) I agree that I wouldn't call it brave. Gag. Yuck. After all that, it's down the toilette, too funny!!!

Walker said...

nachtwache: I think if we all stop and truly think and be honest with ourselves, we would all quallify for a Darwin Award during some stage of our lives, but yeah it does make for blogging material :)

Dotm said...

Jack of all trades, but master of none is what my father used to call himself. People used to tell him he was a master mechanic and a master machinist. As he said, with the title he would have charged a lot more and that wasn`t what he liked doing. He preferred helping people and charged little for his hard labor.
Walker, does that sound familiar??

Walker said...

Dotm: When you cant afford to hire the right people you become the right people and Jack is your name.
Yes is does and some times a little is enough when you see how happy people are after