blue moon (2)

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Monday Evening Ramblings ©

Monday, Monday, sweet, sweet, Monday

It was a holiday here yesterday in Canada, it’s the first Monday in August holiday, that’s what it’s called: The first Monday in August Day.
It’s one of my favourite holidays because you just know there is a long weekend ahead.
You know how I know because “The first Monday in August Day” never lands on any other day but Monday.
Year in year out, “The first Monday in August Day” land on a Monday, how amazing is that.
Easy as pie and no one can fuck that up right?
Wrong
Yeah wrong.

Now with a name like” The first Monday in August Day” holiday, how can you actually think it was next week but yet someone told me that today.
The first Monday in August Day not the second or the third, FIRST and he wasn’t a Newfies either

Now if it would have been a Newfoundlander, well that could have been a possibility, they come up with some wacky shit out there on the east coast.
Fuck, they drink something called “Screech” and if you drink enough of it you end up looking like Screech from Saved By The Bell.

Now they would argue that “The first Monday in August Day” should be held on a Tuesday and create a logical reason to have a holiday call Monday on a Tuesday.
The Quebecois would side with the Newfies also but only because they like going against anything the Federal Government of Canada does.

About an hour after buddy left on his way home to wait to see if next weekend was a long weekend the doorbell rang and I got up to go see who was messing with my relax time.
I open the door and there is the Chinese man standing behind the screen door with a smile on his face and a bible in his hand.

OH OH, I knew I had to get rid of him quick.
I say hi to him and ask what I can do to help him and he tells me nothing but he may be able to help me.
Uh Huh

He says he is a member of the Mormons Of The Later Day Saints.
Say what?
Now I have seen it all, Chinese Mormons.
There is nothing wrong with that I guess but I have never seen a Chinese Mormon before.
When I envision Mormons I get a picture of a big man with a long beard 20 wives and 75 kids not a skinny little Chinese guy with one wife and 75 kids.

Instead of tossing him off the place I decided to let him go so I could here his spiel.
He tells me how God could enlighten me and make my life richer.
Uh huh, sounds familiar.
After having the bible waved infront of my face for ten minutes I tell him I don’t believe in God and don’t believe he exists.

After I told him that it got really interesting.
He tells me I am wrong and misguided.
OK bud, little or not he was going to get popped out the door now but before I show him the cracks in the sidewalk I had to ask him HOW I was wrong and misguided.

Well he tells me that God is not a he but a woman.
He just bought himself a reprieve for now with that.
So I had to ask him how he got to this revelation that God was a woman, at the same time I was wondering WTF happened to all the Mormons I used to see in the movies, you know, the ones that looked like Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments, not like Jackie Chan in Rush Hour.

He opens his bible and stops at different passages throughout the bible pointing out bits and pieces of scripture that could be made to look like God was in fact a woman.
Oh this was good; I could almost see him standing infront of a large crowd Greek Orthodox Christians passionately presenting his case that god was a woman.
By the end he would have most of the women spreading their legs for him to be blessed after making them gods and most men bending him over praising the lord while trying to make him see the light.

That’s cool, God could be a woman I am not bias, I won’t believe in an invisible female god either well it depends.

After he had finishes his presentation he asked me if I had any questions.
I stood there at the door thinking long and hard for what I wanted to say and then it came to me.
“So ummmmmm, what did you say your name is again”?
He said his name was John, yes John the Chinese man, why not John, he is a Mormon after all.
“So John I do have a question but I don’t know if you have the answer for it”.
He assured me that he could answer any questions I may have.
I thought that was very impressive that this man, a Chinese Mormon had all the answers to all my questions about his religion.
It tells me this man has a deep and complete understanding of what he is worshiping.
“So John, can you tell me this”?
“Does God have big tits”?

Have a nice day

Walker

10 comments:

Isabella said...

Why am I not surprised that was going to be the question? :)

Walker said...

Isabella: I wish I had a camera to show everyone the look on his face LMAO

Susan said...

Did he have the answer?

Out here on the Wet Coast, we call the first Monday in August holiday "BC DAY". I had to work so no fireworks for me, but time and a half is good too!

Anonymous Boxer said...

You are surely going to Hell for that one and when you get there HE'LL have some answers for you!

I'd like to make every Monday a Holiday.

Blazngfyre said...

Are you sure he wasn't looking for Tina too? lol
Or maybe .... the lil oriental girl who WAS looking for her is God!

Hmmm .....


Now, the vision of this Chinese man trying to convert a group of Greek Orthodox Christians was just too much for me .... I snorted water out of my nose.
Thanks Walker.

nachtwache said...

I shake my head. You heathen. I would have loved to see his face! Did he answer? I don't think he's got that right, or is it just a new branch that teaches something a bit different. First thing I thought of was "Tina" :), well Mormons have Missionaries too, so why not Chinese? For JWs I have a "Verboten" sticker on my door, a watchtower, circled and a line through the circle. They don't bother us anymore.

BikerCandy said...

OK, that cracked me up. I wish you had a picture of his face too.

patti_cake said...

NO YOU DID NOT WALKER! LOL You are bad,bad,bad but I heart you!

Miss Cellania said...

Good one, Walker. Sacriligious, but good. I once had a Korean Mormon come calling, and he was so blown away by my kids that he forgot to proselytize. See, Asian folks in my redneck town are rare as hen's teeth, so it was as surprising for him as it was for us!

having my cake said...

Bad bad Walker :)