Walker VS Couch ©

Before I go into my post I would like to thank all of you that voted for me and to Brian who linked me on his blog.
34 votes is a lot of votes, it translates into 34 friends and that is a winning number if I ever saw one.
I would like to congratulate Pat and wish her luck in the next round.
I would also like to thank Leesa for having me in her BOTB, she knows how to throw a party.

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You ever have one of those days you know it’s going to be a bad day but you go ahead and live it just the same.
Friday was moving day for Mike, which means for the first time in over a year I am living alone, FINALLY.
Not that having him here was bad. I enjoyed the company and I am sure he did as well but we are both private people.
Most of the time he was in his room doing his thing and I was at one of the computers in the house doing mine.
He had arraigned to have some people to come and help us through Archie so there would be six of us in total making it a lot easier.
Looks good……………..to good, when things come together this easy there HAS to be something wrong.
I asked him who was going to help and he told me.
I knew them, alarm bells started going off immediately, this was going to be trouble and I told him as much.

Stretch is 6 foot 10 and his brain if fried from the drugs he has been doing for the last 30 year and frostbite due to his head being that high in the clouds.
I sat him down once to have a long talk with him.
“Why are you always broke Stretch”?
“You get $900 from disability and I know you make just as much doing odd jobs a month but yet, you have no money and here you are asking to borrow some”.
“I spend most of it on rent”.
“How much can that little room you live in cost, surely no more than $400”?
“I have still got to pay the rent for the house in the country, that’s $800”.
“Why the fuck are you paying rent there when you are living here”?
“The girlfriend is there with my son and I still live there when I can get a ride out there”.
Girlfriend?
“Are you talking about that one you had last year, I though she was seeing K now”?
“He is just living there to help her pay for the rent”.
“NO HE’S NOT yeah moron”.
“Everyone knows she is fucking him and another thing, didn’t I tell you that wasn’t your kid”.
Stretch has sex with this woman and 12 months later she gets pregnant and she convinces him it’s his kid.
What is she a kangaroo and can store embryos until she need s one and this arraignment has been going on for the last 15 years .
TWIT!!!!!!!

The other guy “B”, one of these days him and I are going to settle and old score going back 18 years.
He doesn’t remember me but I know who he is and I remember.
Some of you in the past have suggested I learn to forgive.
Let me tell you, I know how to forgive but there are some things I don’t forgive and every person I have forgiven has turned around to fuck me again so why bother get burned twice by the same person.
This guy betrayed a trust that cost me not to mention he is a Nazi and there is nothing I hate more than a Nazi.
I have had to listen to how the Arian race is the pure race, the one god put on this earth.
He said GOD.
He has demon tattoos over his whole body and his hands are tattooed with “Love” on one hand's fingers and “Hate” on the other.
I’m not a religious person but give me a break.
Either God loves everyone or no one where I stand.
That’s the problem with the world today and most relationships.
Everyone is only doing a half ass job of it and only looking out for themselves.
Then he starts on how we have to pay taxes so all these black people could be on welfare.
Well hold on, what taxes do you pay and YOU ‘re on welfare yourself.
“That’s because the Jews are holding him back” was his response.
I just look at Archie, he knows I want to smack him but Archie won’t let me.
They have been friends for a long time he says but one of these days Archie won’t be there.
I know for a fact when he needs money he works under the table and I know he is a crack junkie along with his wife and they don’t care if the kids are in the house when they are doing it, they deserve a beating for that alone.
Why should he work when he get $1900 a month and subsidized housing?
Food bank supplies food so there is more money he saves to get high.
I’d like to rip one arm off and shove it where the sun don’t shine and show him where the “Love” is and shove the other down his throat because I really “Hate” the shit that comes out of his mouth.

Anyhow, this is the help Mike has recruited and I told him I was sceptical about them showing up.
That was Tuesday, Thursday night the phone rings and it was Archie and he was furious.
First thing he tells me is that neither are going to show up in the morning to help because Stretch caught the 24 hour flu, in other words he got his welfare check and is drunk, stoned or both and B disappeared with Archie’s $700 that he lent him that should have been paid the day before the move.
I gave Arch a blast for lending him the money knowing he is on welfare but he said that they have been friends for 10 years and didn’t think he would screw him.
What person in his right mind would trust a crack junkie with $700?
Now Arch is short for his own rent.
Serves him right for trusting B.

I told Mike about the new developments and he said there would still be four of us and that should be enough.
I went to bed early Thursday knowing we had to be up at 7am.
The phone rings right in the middle of a deep sleep and I looked at the clock, it said 3:30am and it had that special double ring that says it’s long distance.
I answer it and it’s one of my ex lovers, pissed and she tells me she is not happy and misses me.
“That’s nice” click.
At least one of us is happy.
I went back to sleep and was woken up by Mike at 7am.

Looking out the window all I could see is ice everywhere.
There was freezing rain over night and now it was coming down with huge clumps of snow.
I went downstairs and Mike was on his way out the door to go get the truck.
While I was making coffee the phone rang and it was Rick to say he was on his way over.
One thing that was for sure there was going to be three of us at least.
Mike walked back in almost as fast as he left.
It seems there was no place for him to leave his car at the rental agent and one of us would have to drive the car while he drove the truck.
I asked him about his brother and Mike said that he was going to meet us at the storage place.
The best part of this move was that the truck rental place was 3 blocks away from my place.
The storage place was 4 blocks away from my place and Mike was moving 2 blocks away from my place.
In fact when he returned the truck they asked him if he just drove around the block because there was only a kilometre on the meter for the whole move.
Once Rick got to my place we drove to the rental place and got the truck then off to the storage place where Mikes brother was NOT waiting for us.
It seems he got the 24-hour flu to.
It’s times like this that shows you who your friends really are.
The storage place was huge it’s one square block in size.
It used to be a bread factory for Wonder bread I think before they closed and it was bought then converted into a storage facility.
The place is one big huge maze where you can get lost easily if you are not careful where you are going.
We each grabbed a cart to go load up a full load each since we didn’t need to leave anyone behind to watch the empty truck.
We walked through this maze to the elevator and took it to the third floor.
Once there we weaved through the maze to Mike’s storage locker.
Mike knew how to get there by heart now since he has been going there weekly.
We loaded Rick’s cart first and he took off to the truck, Mike and I loaded ours up then followed him ten minutes later.
When we got to the truck but there was no Rick or the cart he was pushing.
We decided to have a drink and wait for him; he probably got lost making his way back from the elevator.
Fifteen minutes later I decided to go look for him while mike started loading the truck with the boxes.
I walked through the whole floor and didn’t see him anywhere so I came back to the truck and went into the office and asked the people there if we could look at their security cameras to see if Rick was anywhere in site.

Yup, there was Rick, still on the third floor wandering around pushing his cart looking for the elevator after 30 minutes.
So I went up to the third floor and brought him down.
After that we decided that it was going to be Rick that stayed at the truck so we could finish faster by not having to go out looking for him all the time.
It took us about two hours to get everything brought down and loaded into the truck while outside it snowed and rained at the same time.
Mike drove the truck to his new apartment while I went to get us some lunch before we unloaded the truck and we were going to need it as we found out later.
When I got to Mikes place and saw it for the first time I knew right then that the couch was not going to go down to his basement apartment.
He has the big bulky leather couch.
He got it last year and with the leather loveseat it cost him over three grand and he loves the thing.
It was also the last thing we loaded and the first that had to come off.
The first thing we learned was it was to big for the door so we had to remove that first but then the next problem was that he lived downstairs so we had to get it in then flip it upside down and hook it over the railing to get it down to the first landing.
The flipping part turned out ok but it was hitting the top of the ceiling that conceals the bottom of the stairs going up.
One inch that’s all we needed.
Mike loves the couch.
One inch from him being happy…
Force it down he said.
So we pushed.
Harder he yelled.
So we pushed harder but still it didn’t budge.
HARDER Mike bellowed.
So we pushed harder until the ceiling and couch gave enough to send the couch squirting through the vice it was held in and crashing through the opposite wall.
Can we all say “OOPS”?
Did Mike care?
Nope, because his beloved couch was one step away from his apartment and that was the door to his place.
We tried to put the couch through the door and there was no way it was passing, it was just to wide and not by just a little inch, this time it was a good six inches.
Did Mike care?
Nope, because this is the couch he has always wanted and it was going to go into his place.
We figured that if we turned the thing we may be able to sort of swing it in but in order to do that, we had to lift it and there was no way that was going to happen because of the ceiling we just forced our way past.
For an hour Mike made us try different ways but it was plain for all to see that this couch wasn’t going to be moving into this place.
Mike then called his parents and told then the good news, they were getting a brand new couch.
He told us the bad news, we had to get it out now.
We ran into the same problem as before but now in the opposite direction.
The couch was stuck there and had to bash our way through again but this time I got my hand stuck between the wall and the couch frame snapping the ring on my left hand.
Mike was happy the couch was out though.
Getting the rest of the stuff in went quickly until we got to the last piece, the leather loveseat.
We had to go through the same routine as the couch to get it in but this time because it was much shorter it went downstairs to the door fairly easy but, come on you knew there was going to be a but.
BUT it didn’t fit through the fucken door.
Mike loves the damn thing so we forced it through and tore off the light switch on the wall in the process but it was in and that’s all that mattered to Mike.
He will paint the stairwell that now has brown streaks on the wall from the couch and patch the other wall that has a big hole in it.
The light switch still works but needs a new cover.
All that was left was to drop off the couch to his mother’s place and we were done.
We drove the 4 blocks to his mothers place and ‘parked around the corner because the truck was too big for their laneway.
Mike told us to bring the couch while he went ahead to get the entrance ready.

Rick and I went to the back of the truck and carefully climbed in.
The whole thing was covered with a thick sheet of ice from the freezing rain.
We got in and I picked up the end close to the door while Rick had the end farther in the truck.
He asked me to wait a second and put his end down to put on gloves.
The he went to pick up his end but pushed it as he was lifting and my foot slipped on the metal floor and I went out of the truck backwards.
My hand shot out to grab the handle of the side of the truck but I couldn’t get a grip on it and went down but not before my right leg went between the step of the truck and the bumper trapping it there as I fell to the ground.
I could feel a sharp pain shoot through my leg as the rest of my body slammed backwards into the ground like a flyswatter.
I lay there on the ground stunned looking up at the couch as it slowly sliding off the back of the truck.
I felt Like Willie Coyote for a second as I saw the couch slowly falling out theback of the truck.
I called out to Rick to put the couch down before the whole thing slipped out and finished me off.
Rick came to the door and saw my laying there with one leg trapped between the step and the bumper.
He had to get down and pick me up so I could get my leg free.
By all rights it should have broken but I lucked out with only a bad bruise and maybe a cracked shin, but we still had the damn couch to deal with.
I rested a bit and made sure I could walk on my leg before I walked to the back of the truck and that demon couch.
I was ready to call in a priest and have a good old fashion exorcism; hell the pea soup was falling all around us.
This time I grabbed the couch while standing on solid yet slippery ground.
We had a fifty foot walk and halfway there, Rick slipped and the couch landed right on him.
HA HA HA
We get the stupid couch to the door without another incident and the fucken thing was too big AGAIN.
Why do people need big bulky couches?
So now Mike has another plan, we’ll tie it up and raise it to the roof and get it in from there.
I drove home and got this big thick rope to tie it up with; Rick did the honours since he was in the military and knows how to tie a knot.
When one end was all tied up nice and snug, I threw the other end up to Mike then Rick and I lifted it as much as we could then he went up to help Mike pull while I held it there until the both were behind the rope.
It was going up smoothly until the couch got to the end and the rope slipped off.
Guess who caught the couch?
Guess who is never going to help anyone move again, NEVER!!!!!!!!
I caught enough of the couch to prevent it from smashing on the ground and killing me yet again.
What part of the military was Rick in, the potatoe peeler unit because he sure as hell can't tie a knot if his life depended on it and mine to for that matter.
This time I tied it up and got it on one end and lifted as the pulled.
The couch got up and on the roof this time and it went into his parents place without another incident.

So here I am at 4:30 am on Sunday night, I can’t sleep because of the throbbing in my leg not to mention every muscle in my body hates me.
Mike is in his new apartment couchless looking at fliers to go buy a slimmer set but happy to be on his own once more, as I am.

Have a nice day

BTW, that was Friday wait until I tell you about Saturday.

Fucken couch.


Walker