Boxes And Boxers ©

I woke up early yesterday and stumbled down the stairs at 7am………
Trust me, 7am is early for me just ask those that know me.
Oh wait, they’re probably sleeping because they were the ones keeping me up most nights, err I mean early mornings.

I’m sitting here writing the post below and Mike walked down wide-awake, probably because he passed out at midnight.
He stops in mid stride and looked at his watch and asked if I had gone to bed yet.
HA HA HA
Funny guy.
He sat there checking the market and then got up to go see Archie so they could hit the liquor store at 10 am when the doors opened.
They were buying booze for Christmas.

I got my packages off the couch and in bags then headed off to the Post Office/Seven11 to send them while the getting is good.
It was a beautiful day, mild and sunny perfect for a walk.
I was about two blocks from the P.O. when the bottom of the left bag broke open and spilled its contents all over the street.
Now you will have to imagine the curses that should have come out of my mouth but you know… I wasn’t bothered a bit.
They weren’t my gifts LOL
Besides, they have so much tape on them that they are probably bullet proof.

Now I was scared to put some in the other large bag in my right hand fearing it to would tear under the weight so I opted to create the Leaning Tower of Christmas presents and headed off to the post office juggling the stack of boxes in one arm, the bag in the other and a growing lineup of spectators taking bets on how far I would get before I spilled the whole lot all over the street.
About twenty feet from the door I was starting to feel the weight in my arm but held on until I reached the door.
SHIT, it opens out and the only hand I could reach the door with was the one with the bag because the left is still pretending it could hold the stacked parcels.
A guy walks up, opens the door and walks in then the door closes.
Great, thanks buddy.
That’s one shitting example of lending a helping hand.
Swinging my arm back and forth I managed to grab the handle before the gravity brought the parcels forward and swung the door open quick.
I walked up to the counter and put the parcels on the floor and one on the counter.
There was no one there so I hit the bell but still no one came.
A lady got behind me then that guy that was so nice who didn’t open the door for me behind her.
Just then the lady behind me asked if she could go ahead of me because she only was picking something up.
I said sure.
So when the clerk came back I let her go ahead of me.
She got her package and thanked me.
The guy seeing the pile at my feet asked if he could get ahead of me because he only needed a stamp.
Of course you can’t.
You reap what you sow ha ha ha.
The lady behind the counter hadn’t seen what happened at the door I guess because she told him it wouldn’t take long.
She picked up my parcel weighed and measured it punched in the numbers on her computer.
The printer started sputtering out some labels and a large sticker.
She passed the large label to me and tells me to write down the contents of the box.
Well hold on.
I tell her these are Christmas presents and they are a surprise and if I put down one the outside of the box what is on the inside it kinda fucks up the surprise part of sending it.
She says that’s the rules and I have to comply.
Rules suck a big fat one.
The guy behind me had a grim on his face.
Yeah laugh and see how long this could take, the price of stamps could go up before I am done.

She put on the labels and sticker and told me how much.
That took about ten minutes.
I bent down and dropped seven more parcels on the counter and smiled at the clerk.
I stood there watching her weigh measure and figure it out, the guy behind me had to wait for me to finish.
I had to fill in all the labels with their contents.
When I had finished them all she put them on the boxes and then stopped.
She looked at the labels and then the boxes.
She looks at me then and says that the labels all say the packages have the same thing in them
Yeah ok so what?
She said but the boxes are all different sizes.
Yeah ok so what, how much?
She just looked at me then turned to the computer and told me the damage.
Just before I paid she asked if I needed any stamps?
I told her I did but I would get them from the machine on the wall and I smiled at the guy behind me.

Free of my burden I walked home.
Walking through the door Mike let out a “HEY BUD!!!!!!!!!!!”
Mike was sitting back in Emme’s chair with a glass in one hand and a bottle of Grand Marnier in the other and the clock said 11:45am and he was definitely drunk.
It seems they bought ONLY$500 worth of liquor because they couldn’t fit in anymore into the cart so they were going back tomorrow or today as I write this.
They drank half a bottle of brandy at Archie’s before he came home, which luckily for him is only four blocks away and by the looks of the bottle in his hand he was a third down.
He told me to grab a glass and join the party (party of one so far) I said nooooooooo.
You see people; once upon a time I was a suicide jockey.
I drank harder, drove faster pushed myself to stupid limits without any care of what might happen and on numerous occasions found myself knocking on hells door.
Somewhere along the line I decided enough was enough and slowed down, so now I drink once in a while and I drink the best.
Now Mike he slowed down to but he made the mistake of taking Archie to the liquor store.
So now he was pissed and stoned crawling up the stairs to his room at 12:30 in the afternoon.
I called Archie to see what was going on over at his place and all I could here was people singing out of tune and him begging me to go over.
Hmmm
I told him I would stop by with an ambulance in a couple of hours.
Archie and the boys love to party and Archie parties like there is no tomorrow and one day there may not be at the rate he is going.
Mike stumbled down the stairs at about 5 and said he was going to get food and go see Archie, I told him I would meet him there later.
I put up the rest of the decorations and hit the switch.
Yup I could hear my hydro meter just a humming now.
With the house all well lit up now I got my coat and headed off to Archie’s, first to pick up a pound of walnuts for my mother which in by where I was going.
As I walked towards Archie’s place B ran out of the door cursing with his coat in his hands and one of his pant legs missing.
I said “HI B”.
He said “Fucken Asshole” as he was walking by.
OK
I walk into the house and George is passed out in the corner.
Tom sitting next to George pissed to the gills laughing his butt off and in the other corner a bug eyed Archie holding what looked like B’s missing pant leg.
“Gezz Arch you got to get laid bud”.
He was totally fucked.
I looked around and I could see 5 empty bottles of hard liquor.
He said he was trying to stop B from leaving and grabbed the pant leg and it just ripped off his leg.
That’s when Mike walked in to tell us he just saw B walking down the street with half his pants missing.
I pointed out the other half in Archie’s hand.
Archie held out his hand and asked Mike to go give him the other half.
Mike just started laughing.
He sat down but I stood there using my mother’s walnuts as an excuse to leave early so she could make cookies to send Archie for Christmas.
Always, ALWAYS have an escape plan before you go to Archie’s.
I had one shot of Metaxa and got out of there.

Three hours later Mike staggered in pissed again.
He looked at me and says” I don’t fucken believe I got drunk twice in one day” and stumbled up to his room yet again.
A friend dropped by about then and watched TV with me.
Mike did come down later in the night but looked bad.

This morning when I got up I called Archie and asked him how things were.
He said fine but B wasn’t speaking to him for some reason.
So I sat there telling him how he dragged B to the ground and ripped his pants off.
He freaked!!!!!!!
I said yup “You had his pants in your hand and were chasing him down the street telling him how much you loved him”
Archie was beside himself, calling me a liar.
“No Arch, look around the kitchen, you still had his pants when I left”
The phone went dead for a while and then he was back.
He said he found the pants but only half of them.
I said ”Yeah in your frustration that he got away you ripped them in half and tossed the other half at a passing car”.
I could hear a bunch of OMGs on the other end of the phone and that he had to find B to apologize
He was never going to drink again and was quitting after he drank all the booze he bought.
I hung up the phone, Mike said I was going to die for the whopper I just told but we had a good laugh just the same.

Since then, there are 3 messages on my phone and all from Archie.
I’m not going to listen to them.

Have a nice day

Oh but before I go.
A number of weeks ago I lost a football bet to Monica and it was fo me to write a poem if i lost.
So being stumped as what to write for the last while it came to me the other day when she was saying how her kids roll their eyes when she does something they think is ..... well you know somnething they wouldn't do.
So for payment due "Rolling Eyes"


Walker