blue moon (2)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A Waiting Game ©


I just finished an argument with my parents.
You see I suffer from this ailment called honesty.
The day started with my mother going to the hospital with my brother and as soon as they walked into the room where my niece was they were greeted with a barrage of insults.
My mother was called a whore and the SIL said they should take the kid, cook her and eat her.
9:10 am I was on my way to the hospital to pick up my mother waiting at the bus stop crying.
Her shouts could be heard all over the floor, filled with sick kids.
The SIL was saying that her father is dieing of cancer in the hospital and he was more important to her than being there.
At 1 am last night I got a phone call from the SIL’s sister.
You see she wants me to get her pregnant still, the whole family is loopy.
She told me her father is fine and at home.
She had called him because her sister my SIL told her that his cancer had come back and was dieing.

This is it for me, my parents are NOT allowed to go back there to the hospital and I don’t give a fuck.
I won’t have either of them sick and this is all causing way to much stress and it’s spilling out all over.
I won’t have one crazy bitch who should be seeking help wrecking havoc to my family.
The SIL left the hospital to go home.
She hasn’t been there in 3 days and hasn’t even had a shower so it’s understandable.
My mother called me to tell me to go to the hospital so my brother can go have a smoke.
He has been there for 2 hours.
Screw the smoke.
Your kid’s in the hospital you don’t need a smoke.
I told my mother he can sit there like she did for 3 days.
She accused me of taking her side and an argument ensued.
This is what I hate about my parents.
It doesn’t matter what’s right or wrong as long as they are right.
I’m not made this way.
There is no progress when everything is a lie and I won’t have any of it.
I am getting a lawyer to deal with that crazy bitch of a SIL and it will be done honestly.
I will fix it that my niece ends up with strangers if it means she is safe and away from these crazy fucken selfish people.
Then I am gone because there is nothing holding me here but my cats and they can come with me.
This will be the last entry on this, avoiding being repetitious since the same shit is happening.
Other people needs seem to be more important than the health of a child it seems.
It’s good to see who your friends are in times like this and I want to thank everyone for their comments, links, emails and phone calls.
If anything medically changes I will tell you.
If the adults kill each other then fuck em, I will raise the kid myself.
I’ve raised enough kids to know how.
Tomorrow it’s back to what I post on Fridays.

Thank you again


There is nothing more that bothers me than a sick kid and when it’s one of yours its worse.
I have had to deal with all aspects of this family in the last 4 days.

My mother has been at the hospital from 9 am until I drag her home at 9 pm.
She has had a total of one slice of pizza in the last two days and refuses to eat.
She sits stoically in a chair and waits for my niece to call for her with a waving hand a babble of incoherent mumbling.
What is going through her head I know so well because I have heard it so many times, in passing comments.
She remembers two little girls she once knew and now doesn’t.
She sees the only joy she has had in the last two and a half years from some one who reminds her of another little girl now out of her reach.
This is a child she raised and cared for since her birth and now in a bed looking like death paid her a visit.

My father walks around the house aimlessly.
He refused to go to the hospital with me today, finding any reason not to go.
I know he can’t see her in that bed looking so weak and helpless.
He remembers a lively kid dancing like mad to his whistle, throwing her hips back and forth like she was born to dance.
He hears Papou when he walks into the house and sees a sloppy footed kid bouncing of the wall and floor but still crawls towards him.
This is a cold man, who grew up hard and was surrounded by death and killing and here he was broken because of a little girl.

My brother has been there the whole time running back and forth getting food and buying clothes from the gift shop because they won’t leave to go home and shower.
He sees his only child convulsing on a bed while 4 people try and get her under control and can’t do nothing to help even as her voice echoes “daddy” “daddy” down the hall way.
This is the same kid that runs and clings to him when he walks in from work, climbing up his body like a little monkey.
Now she lays in a heap barely able to open her eyes.
The only thing that keeps him standing are the 4-5 extra large Star Buck coffees he drinks.

My SIL, putting my reservation aside for now has been living in the room since my niece was admitted.
She dotes over the kid and is very inquisitive when the doctors are there.
Her daughter clings to her as they both lay on the bed listening to Winnie The Pooh’s Christmas tape.
She is too weak to open her eyes to watch but you can see her lips move with the music.

The kid, where do I begin?
She reminds me of my youngest.
She has a zest for life and is always on the go.
She loves to dance and her family.
She is always flying at anyone walking in with arms fanning around to hug your legs.
I remember the sly look she used to give when she was preparing to do something she knew she wasn’t allowed to do but knew if she got caught she would get away with it.
Papou was her favorite word.
She had created her own language.
A Riga is a bird.
If you asked where is the bird she would look around and point at it then tell you that it was a Riga and before you knew it, that’s what you were calling it.
At two and a half she has barely seen the front yard let alone the world.
Today she is in the hospital asking to go home.
Her wish will come tomorrow.
She has two problems.
One was a viral infection that has affected her white blood cell count and is down and not producing at all.
They have that under control now but after going an EEG to see if they could find a reason for the seizures they found there was something there.
They need to do an MRI to be sure but what they are trying to find out if it’s epilepsy, a tumor in the back of her brain or if it’s a brain defect.
Given these choices they are all serious but you know what we don’t want.
Because she is so weak from the virus they don’t want to risk sedating her for the MRI so they are going to wait three weeks to do it.
That’s along time to wait and wonder.

As for me, I don’t fucken know.
My life is a dream/nightmare which ever you want.
Today I went next door to see my father and I couldn’t find him but the lights were on everywhere.
I called out but got no answer.
I traveled room by room looking to see if he was anywhere wishing he was not on the floor suffering from a heart attack because of all the stress that this has brought.
He was no where in the house and I let out a sigh of relief.
He walked in thirty minutes later, he had gone for a walk.
In the afternoon my brother called me to ask me what the doctor was saying because he didn’t understand him.
I can’t imagine what he must feel like being so lost to what is hurting his daughter.
I explained it to him as best as I could to make him relax a bit if that is possible.
I was there when my SIL and brother started sniping at each other in the room.
I said nothing, what’s to say.
The stress is evident on both of them.
So I played with the kid for a bit and let them settle down.
Looking at my mother she looks old but still determined to stay there.
I absorb all of this and then look at my niece and I don’t understand why life is so unfair.
People like me don’t deserve to be alive and yet here is someone who has hurt no one and is sick, fighting to see tomorrow.
I feel so helpless and I’m not used to being like this.
There is no one for me to fight.
My enemy is unseen and elusive leaving no trail I can follow so I am left to let others do my fighting for me and this is foreign to me also.
I am also so tired and I have no time to spare right now for some rest and when I do I can’t sleep.
I can’t eat.
I don’t feel like doing anything but I have no choice because my job in all of this is to keep my family alive.
All of them and make it look as easy for everyone as possible.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.


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