blue moon (2)

Monday, April 10, 2006

What To Do? ©

For the past two months you have been getting posts that happen between the lines of my life.
The major part I kept it off these pages for a couple of reasons.
One, I had someone here that was reading over my shoulder what I wrote or off the screen and two it was still raw in my head and I need to sort it out slowly.
The past two months have put a strain on a friendship that has existed for nearly 20 years.
I have asked myself a lot of questions in the last two days about how nice I am and how nice I should be with people.
Right now I am very angry with her and rightly so I think.
One, she put me in a position where I had to ask a good friend to leave and two because she is pissed at me for doing so.
For the next little while I will give it to you in the pieces that I can remember and do my best to show her point of view as she told me and how I felt as time went on.

Two weeks before I was to return to Canada from New Zealand I got an email from a friend needing some help.
She needed a place to stay for two weeks.
I wasn’t keen on the idea because I wanted some alone time to sort out my head but I couldn’t leave her stranded so I said sure.
What’s two weeks?

Feb 10th the doorbell rang.
30 hours after I got home from New Zealand.
I knew who it was, I have been waiting.
My head is in a swirl from my thoughts but I have to push them back now and get into a friendly space in my head,
I knew this was not going to be easy.

I open the door and J is standing there with three suitcases the size of a small province.
Is she coming for two weeks or moving in was my first thought.

Hi, how are you and how was New Zealand?
Fine I guess.
How is Lisa?
She dumped me.

How is Italy?
How’s the boy friend?
He hanged himself on the balcony.
Ok you win, your month sucked more than mine.

Backing up a year, we see J meet her BF and falls in love.
She had come off two bad relationships and one which involved being stalked and assaulted in a dark alley by her ex.
They were doing great but there was something slightly different that she couldn’t put her finger on right away.
Love is blind and little things are ignored.
As time went on she noticed changes happening.
BF had re established relations with his estranged mother without J’s knowing.
Had she known she would have been able to understand things before they got totally out of control?
His mother was always a problem for him.
She was the cause of his marriage breaking up.
Now the way it was told to me was that she had the boy and left him with the man she called her husband and took off.
Now I didn’t say the boy’s father because she later told him that he wasn’t his father and she didn’t know who it was to be exact.
This news pretty much floored her BF even angered him because the man she left him with beat him like a dog and he wasn’t even his father.
The basic picture I got was that the mother was a bitch.
He started doing drugs shortly after seeing her again and he was doing cocaine.
This she did not suspect until she found the syringe on top of the medicine cabinet one day.
When she confronted him he just took a fit.
He had tried to kill himself a couple of times and she tried having him committed but the system in Italy is different and there are only few beds for none paying patients.
In fact there is no welfare.
Every time she took him to the hospital to be brought back to life after an attempt they sent him right back home hours later.
Then he stole her things like laptops and jewelry to sell for drugs and going into deeper debt.
You see he didn’t work; only she did and paid for everything.
She called police to arrest him but they wouldn’t do anything because he lived there to and technically he sold his stuff.
She started hiding her things to keep him from selling them.
He even sold the clothes he wore.
In the end she just decided to leave.

She walked into the apartment after work one night to get some stuff she had left behind. J had left her BF because things had progressed in the wrong direction.
She walked around picking up things and calling his name out to see if he was home. As she crossed the living room to where the balcony was, she saw the door wide open and walked on through only to find the lifeless body of her boyfriend hanging by the neck with the same robe belt from the robe she just received this Christmas from her mother.
Calling police, they came to the apartment to discover what she had already witnessed.
Apparently the body was out there is full view of 40 apartments and no one bothered to call it in.

The next couple of weeks were hard.
Not being family she was denied many privileges and she was advised not to even go to the funeral.
She waited until everyone had left to go to the grave.
Quitting her job and now homeless she decided to come home to Canada to be with family.
She stayed at a cousin’s place in Toronto before I got home.
Her mother it seems was in Florida helping her sister. Her father has a small one bedroom and no room for her and her aunt said he husband didn’t want anyone staying there.
That leaves yours truly.
It’s only two weeks right?

I have never been displaced out of my home so much as I have been lately.
I have lived with women for 26 years and I have NEVER felt this way.
Maybe it’s because they were my partners and part of me.
I lost control of my house TV and life.
She was crying for the first week, that’s when she wasn’t angry.
She was an emotional rollercoaster with me along for the ride for the rest of the time and still crying periodically.
I was in my own hell and pushing it deeper into my head to make space for her shit that was coming at me in fiery bursts at times from her.
I couldn’t get a word in and people who know me would tell you that’s not an easy task.
She smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day and joint after joint.
She wasn’t getting stoned anymore.
She just smoked like a mad woman.
She stayed up until 8 am 10 am sometime not go to bed at all.
I stood back and let her bombard me for 4 weeks with her shit before I started getting battle weary and started taking shots back at her thinking.
She used to say I sit by the computer 20 hours a day but it was the only place that was safe and besides she had control of the TV and I was getting tired of reruns of Everyone Loves Raymond for six bloody hours every day.
I don’t know how she found the damn things.
I FUCKEN HATE RAYMOND right about now.

She was/is so depressed it was turning me in that direction.
But the longer she stayed the more comfortable she got and leaving was looking like not leaving.
I think she was so comfortable she was content to stay here and not addressing her future plans and just dwell in her self pity.
This was causing me all sorts of stress, mostly because no matter how hard I tried to find some way to make her happy and understand none of this was her fault and all of his, she turned it upside down and inside out and spat it back in my face.
I couldn’t do things around the house and stayed home playing online poker and trying to conjure up posts and to give her space to think all this out.
She was constantly trying to get my attention so she could unload or rant about something.
It got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I have so many problems to deal with at home right now and my personal life is a shambles.
My bills are the only thing working out and I lost so much weight the guys are telling me I look good.
I’m gonna have to keep an eye on them, they may have switched teams.
Most of this is stress and she was causing more and more everyday.

As the date for her return flight approached I started easing up a bit knowing that she would be gone soon, but as the date neared for her departure there was a lack of movement from her.
Now she was trying to get 3 more weeks, but the airline said she bought a closed ticket so she either took the flight or it was lost.
So I figured she will take the flight.
I figured wrong.
The day came and left and she was sleeping in the spare room.
Now she was mad at the travel agent for her loosing her ticket.
But I pointed out to her she could have left but NOOOOOOOOOO it was the agent’s fault.
But you could have left………
She says she needed more time and now she is out the money for the ticket.
Come on now.
She could have left and there would have been no problem.
She is freaking out and sending complaint emails to the agent and British Airways.
But she could have left……….
Now she has no money for a ticket and is still living here at my place.
Two weeks has seen four weeks go by.
Then she wants other people to give her money for a ticket.
She doesn’t ask if they have it but wants them to give her the money to leave.
They don’t have the money and she is fighting and yelling with them and then relaying all of this to me.
But she could have left………………
She had a return ticket and she stayed.
So now she has no job and no ticket back to Italy and she is living with me.

It’s been eight now and she just left this Friday.
She didn’t want to leave.
I had to ask her to leave.
A friend should never have to put someone in a position like that.
She has family but she enjoys the freedom she has here.
But at a cost
My freedom

The day she moved I woke up at 2pm and came downstairs.
I sat at the computer and 30 minutes later she walked in and walked right over to me and says not HELLO, but “They would rather see me loose $50,000 than give me $2000 and let me go back home”.
Good day to you to J.
But she could have left………….and didn’t 4 weeks earlier.
She has a lot of issues and most stem from the way her mother treated her and they are valid but there comes a time in your life where you take control of you own actions.
She is almost 40.
Her mother is retired and does what she pleases, my friend has to get up and take responsibility for her self.
She can’t assume that people will bail her out every time she is in trouble.
After she left a mutual friend came by to bring me some DVDs she borrowed and J came to pick up a few items she forgot.
She didn’t even say hi or acknowledge us.
Just walked in and left without saying hi or bye to K.
She was pissed at me still.
I put her up for 8 weeks and she is pissed at me?
She gave me $360 which I used on food for us to eat and I even bought more as did she a couple of times.
I know she has no money so I don’t push her to pay me, but fuck she doesn’t have to treat me like that.
I have been kick enough in the last little while, I need a fucken break.
How nice am I supposed to be with people before I am allowed to get pissed off anyway and when does my life matter?
I took in a friend because she needed me.
I got punished for it by everyone from my friends to my family.
People tell me I am too generous, but what is to much and what is not enough.
I am not a rich person but I have more than most.
So I try to help a friend in need, only to be forced to put her out.
Now I feel like a heel and I am mad.


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