blue moon (2)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Attack Of The Plum Tomatos ©

Fuck am I a glutton for punishment.
I agreed to help my parents bottle tomatoes when I should be laying in bed jacking off and relaxing to the sound of Sara’s voice.
I bet the jacking off part woke some of you up.
GOOD because I woke up early to do this.
I walk in the back and there standing looking at me smiling at the crack of noon were my parents smiling. (I must have and that I didn’t beat my meat look on my face, BAH)
They were standing there smiling because they were hiding the 300 pounds of the fucken red menace lurking behind them ready to be squashed, mashed, peeled and seeded only to be boiled and bottled and the boiled again so that one day I can get indigestion eating meat sauce.
Hmmmmmmmm, screwed again. ( I have a maching that does all of that so no feet were colored red in this post)
I like getting screwed by the way because I do this every year and bitch about it.
This year we used an outside propane burner. My father is scared of propane tanks, he thinks they are miniature bombs just waiting to explode and kill us.
You may be right but who wants to live for ever I tell him and look at the sick expression on his face.
I get ready to light the small burner and he says stop.
He went and moved his car back ten feet and then came back.
I asked him why did he move it for and he said just incase something happened and the tank exploded.
Well fuck me silly. I looked at him and started laughing.
If the tank explodes I told him, who gives a fuck about the car when we are both laying there ripped from limb to limb maybe headless and dead.
He had this scared look on his face when I bent over to toss a match at the burner.
He stepped back.
I stopped.
“Hey, why did you step back” I asked
No I didn’t” he said
Yes he fucken did, he stepped back because he knew something may happen and it might blow.
I think you should light it dad” I said to him.
Who, what, me, No no no I have no idea how to use these new things” He replied.
It’s simple” I said “Just toss the match at the top and run for your life.”
No you do it you know how” and he took another step back.
There you took another step back, your scared and you don’t care if I get vaporized” I shot back at him
I bent close to the top of the stove and took out a wooden match.
You know the ones with the white friction tops that you can light on the back of your jeans.
I look up at my father who was now wide eyed staring at the stove.
I take the match and run it across my belt buckle lighting it up.
With a slow smooth hand gesture I sent it sailing through the air.
I could see it float through the air and arch down towards the top of the stove,
It landed dead center and with a big loud voice I said:


I watched my father jump.
There that will teach you for sacrificing me to the tomato gods.
He let loose with a string of curses leveled at me and all I did was stand there and laugh.
He pointed out that the stove didn’t even go on and I pointed out that I never had it turned on in the first place HA HA HA.
I lit the stove and spent the next 4 hours bottling tomatoes, 120 liters to be exact.
Then I came to read many of your blogs.

I fucked up the other day. I ran a program to clean my drive and get rid of any files that were not being used and I ended up loosing my favorites so this has me all pissed off because I had 50 blogs there that I visit that I had not blog rolled yet. So if any of you haven’t seen me around I’m sorry and If you can email me or comment on a post so I can track you back I would appreciate that.
Thank you

Have a nice long weekend


No comments: