blue moon (2)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Visit ©

Today I have been in one of my blue moods.
Many things trigger these set backs to my soul. It’s a conflict that has been raging within me forever and will always be there.
It’s a desire to help and to be helpless in my quest and to also stay in the shadows without exposing myself to the past.
One fucken promise I gave long ago, two promises to be exact, have left me numb. They were made to better me and to prolong my life on this planet that is determined to taunt me, tempt me and keep what I want just out of reach.
From a young age I have learned to fight and to never give up, as many who know me could attest too.
I have learned my life is expendable, as I offer it to be taken on any day that I awake and walk into the world.
I once gave an enemy my gun and told him to do me and get it over with.
He was terrified and left it there and ran off.
I walked an employee to his car once because he fired someone in my name and was afraid they would be waiting for him after work.
They were; the one that was fired, his brother and a friend.
He went home and I called 911.
My boss was beside himself the next day telling me, I should have just let the guy leave and what happened in the parking lot wasn’t my business.
How could I do that?
I quit.

Today someone came over to see me.
It wasn’t a visit. It was to tell me I had lost another friend.
He had left this city to start anew somewhere else and was done in by a punk, that wasn’t fit to polish my friend’s boots. To have gone through hell here, only to die hard somewhere else sounds so unjust.
The messenger came from his wife to tell me.
He sat there looking at me like I had something profound to tell him. He was waiting for what?
He asked me, what should be done?
How the fuck do I know, let the cops and the courts deal with the punk, I guess.
There is nothing I could do, this is who I am today; those days are over. I’ve been out of it for 18 years.
He pointed out that I had friends in jail.
To which I told him that they wanted to get out sooner rather than later.
Apparently I disgusted him and he got up and left.
Fuck him, I always lived my rules and I do now also.
I don't know what people expect.
I do believe that times have changed from when I was a kid and for the better. My beliefs are the same. I would help anyone that I didn’t know in trouble with no regard to my safety.
Maybe I have gone soft who fucken knows.
Maybe I’m getting to old to fight every battle.
Maybe I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail.
Maybe I have lost too much.
Maybe I like what I have.
All I do know, is that I lost another friend, and revenge is out of the question.
I still have to live with myself, tomorrow.
Now I have to call people and tell them, they lost another brother and childhood friend.
This bites.

I’m really hating that fucken bird right now.


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