blue moon (2)

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Bloopers ©

Well that was the end of my Bbq posts.
Now like every other post that we write, we only put in what we want you to read.
Life is almost like a movie don't you think, but you only get one take to do it right and unlike any movie there is no editing room. Nothing is perfect there has to be some mishaps.
We the authors of these posts become the editors and decide what you get to see. So with that in mind, I am sweeping the editors floor and putting some of the ‘bloopers’ of my Bbq that never made my posts.

I was at the Bbq, the Temple of any man during Bbq season. This is usually my father’s domain, but this is my Bbq, I bought it and my party right, so this is MY job.
He is standing there hovering over me like a vulture waiting to pounce on me. Don’t think I wasn’t aware of this and trying real hard not to fuck up. I had put the chicken on first and was rotating the pieces when a thigh got away from me and no matter how fast I moved the fucken thing hit the dirt.
I looked down at it and then at my father. I could see the disgust in his eyes.
“Well, we can give that piece to my brother” I said.
He kicked it aside and put out his hand which indicated I was exiled from my own Bbq. I passed the coveted tongs and took my place behind the Bbq master.
He was standing there showing me the proper way to move meat around this inferno we were standing in front of. When all of the sudden the impossible happened.
A drumstick got away from him and bounced on the ground and rolled 3 feet down the laneway. We both stood there looking at it and he turned to me and said "we can give that one to your mother". I held out my hand and reclaimed my scepter (my tongs) and sent him on his way.

My mother was in her glory, she had her new stove. My mother lives for anything that she can cook with. Buy her a pot for Christmas and she’d be happier than getting a mink coat. (So would the mink)
She was making spanakopites and was using the recipe I gave her, it was easier and I like them more this way. She was going to use her stove for the first time. She prepared the filling and poured it into the Phylo lined casserole dish. She covered it with more phylo and put it in the pre heated oven and sat down and waited.
This is a state of the art stove with self cleaning oven and a fan for convection cooking and all sorts of gizmos.
45 Minutes later she goes to check through the window and noticed it hadn’t started to brown on top, so she left for 15 minutes and then came back. Nothing yet, she started thinking there is something wrong with the stove. It takes to long to cook, it should have been done by now.
She opened the door and there was no heat. She stood there wondering and then came out to get me. She had turned the oven on and set the temperature at 350 but you have to hit 'start' so it would begin working. She was baking for an hour and a half with a cold oven.

“Hey Uncle Walker , look at my new skate board? What do you think?
(GRRRRRRRRR) “Looks real cool, I like the dragon on the top. Why do they put a picture on the bottom? For when you end up on your ass, they spend more time looking at the bottom of your skate board instead of you bleeding everywhere”?
“Ha Ha your funny unk” he said.
Unk WTF, now I’m unk.
“When I do tricks and my feet are in the air they can see the bottom of it.”
I bet when he is in the air and they could see the bottom of the board he is screaming in his head for a soft landing.
This kid trips when he walks, how he thinks he can skateboard, is beyond me.
“Have you ever skate boarded”?
"No, I never have and never wanted too".
“You should try it fun and easy”.
"Not today".
Everyone starts pushing me to try, the chicken shits.
“Ok, what do I do”?
"Just put one foot on the front and push with the back and then stand on it."
Sounds easy enough and I line the board down the laneway and put my very hesitant foot on the front and push off and stand on the board.
I didn’t push to hard because I could visualize myself lying on my back with a concussion.
Well it was going good until I started going down the laneway towards a very busy street. Did I forget to mention the laneway was on an incline?
"Hey where’s the break on this stupid thing" I called back.
"Oh you just jump off. Or stand on the back".
WHAT, I had a problem getting on now I have to jump.
I didn’t know a parachute was required to skateboard.
To make matters worse it was picking up speed and the way I was wobbling the chance of me reaching the street were looking slim. I’ll be flipping out before I ever got the chance to jump.
Through a series of windmill arm spins and a weird ass, knee and hip twist, I managed to smash into the store wall and save myself of any embarrassment.
I still don’t know why everyone was laughing though.
As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t fall off and that a success.
The little shit left it for me to practice with too.
I’ll be ready for the Extreme Games in about, 20 years and be the first 66 year old to skate the half pike and to do a 720 back flip.
Just put that on my tomb stone anyway.


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