blue moon (2)

Thursday, April 28, 2005

What Do I Know ? ©

I’m going to shoot myself in the pecker today by asking a question to my female readers.
What does a woman want?
Really, men can’t figure it out and we want to make you happy.
What a man wants is generally simple; to get laid at any cost, and believe me and my jeweler it’s expensive.
This has nothing to do with my present relationship, in fact it’s going great, I just don’t want to fuck it up , so spill it or never complain about your husbands or boy friends not knowing your needs and wants again .
Over the years I have researched the subject diligently “cough” and have come to the conclusion that I know nothing at all. All women want different things, according to your relationship with them.
The girl friend wants to be taken out and shown a good time. (Based on 2 long term relationships I had)
The wife/common law wife wants you to be home with her to help out and tape Ally Mcbeal while she sleeps.
The neighbors wives’ only want BOO-YAH (I had to say it once just for DB).
But there has to be something in particular you ladies want out of us, something that is a common base to all women not just the individual woman, or is it just to keep us confused?

One day my EX came up to me wearing a gold and black suit. It was ugly and it made her look fat. She asks me how do I look. Ha Ha Ha, I’m fucked.Do I lie or tell the truth.
I’m thinking should I ask for a blow job or a fuck now because if I tell her the truth I’ll be 85 and needing Viagra by the time she gives me any again.
I walk up to her and feel the material and say oh it’s nice and soft I move around her and run my hand over her boob and slowly squeeze it. I like the way it feels I say to her, now standing behind her with both boobs in my hands kissing her shoulder, trying to get her horny.
So you don’t like it she says.
No, I reply.
Ok I’ll go change.
Can I come too “cough” ”cough”.
No, go watch TV.
“Sigh” 85 here I come.

Another time, I asked my first EX (BTW when I say EX it’s referring to a girl friend, I have never been married) I’m going to the store would you like something? She says yes get me a chocolate bar. Cool what kind? You know the ones I love.
Shit, like that’s half the chocolates in the store. Can you be more specific I ask?
What, all this time together and you don’t know my favorite chocolate.
Oh god I’m screwed.
I got to the store and there are piles of chocolates. She eats all of them. So which one is her favorite bar? Hmmmmmmmm, ah I got it.
I get home and drop a bag with 20-30 chocolate bars in front of her and go, here take your bar and the rest are mine, and walk away. (You all know I’m screwed when Sara reads this. I won’t be able to use that one again).

Now my situation isn’t going to get better because life being the comedian that it is, blessed me with two daughters. It started with Barbie dolls.
I want a Barbie for XMAS, I get this from both. I go to the store and there are millions of Barbies: Beach Barbie, teacher Barbie, tennis Barbie…..and so on.
I go home with a list and say ok which one do you want? They look at the list and go yes, them.
I’m screwed again.
That was years ago and today I’m the proud owner of 42 Barbie dolls.

Now winding down to almost the end of this post I recall a time when I was about 8 years old and before I understood what boobs and a pussy was. It was my mother’s birthday and I didn’t know what to buy her. I had seen her buying this box every month, so I went to the store and I bought her a box of Kotex pads, the extra strength ones. I figured my mother deserved the best. For those of you who do not know what they are, they are feminine pads. Big thick suckers that made such a bulge in women’s pants that even men were jealous.
Well she laughed and my father laughed, I didn’t know any better so what the fuck I laughed too, not knowing why though, but from that day on, my mother used to send me to the store to buy milk, bread and occasionally a box of presents.
So ladies, men want to know.
What DO you want from you mate?

I heard it said once that a man is like linoleum. If you lay it right the first time you can walk over it for the next 30 years.
Well this piece of linoleum curls at the edges and needs laying regularly.

I should clarify one thing. I/We men do love the women we share are lives with and it’s more than just sex.

This is my opinion of course, now ladies go ahead and tear Walkers head off.


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