blue moon (2)

Friday, July 30, 2010

Gone South ©

A week ago I did what I have been trying to do for years.
No, not suck Selma Hayek’s toes, still working on that.
I crossed into the United States of America.
Yeah, that was an experience to write about and one day I may.
I mean, I heard stories and coupled with my seedy past…well, I expected to have some problems at the border but I was ready.
I did everything I needed to do to get me past the border and into the United States.
Let’s just say was an adventure.

“Passport please”
“Here you go”, big smile on my face

He looks at it, then at my waiver allowing me to enter the USA.
Then he goes to his computer and scans my passport.
Without hesitation he turns, “Some guards will be on their way to escort you to the station”.

Yeah, yeah, big surprise.
Two border guards show up and escort the five year old and most dangerous member in the car to the black building with us following from behind.

In the building we were seated on familiar park benches they had the last time I tried to cross the border.

“Mr. Walker can I see you at the counter please”.
I walk up to the counter and then he asks Inia to step to the counter as well.
The five year old following close behind.

“Ms. Skirt, where do you live”?
“In the United States, like it says right there on my passport”.

“Mr. Walker, where do you live”?
“In Canada”.

“How did you two meet”.

“I need to go for a pee”

“On the internet”

“How long have you known each other”?


“Why is he taking so long”.

“Five years”.

“Mommy look, I got a big penis. I need to pee”.

The guard looks over to one of two guarding us and tells him to go with Inia and the boy to the washroom.

“Where will you be staying while in the United States”
“At Inia’s house”.
“Where does she live”?
“I have no idea”.

Inia came back from the washroom.

“I went for a pee”.
The border guard looked at him, "that’s good”.
"MOOOOOOOOOM, I want to go to Mc Donald’s”.
“Soon, when we are done”
He looks at the guard, ”Why are you slow”?

“Well, your passport is in order as is your waiver, all I need now is your electric bill”.
“What”? “What”?
"I need to see a bill with your address on it”.
“Say what”?
“Why”?
“To show us that you intend to go back, that you have ties”.
“My bill is $313, that’s a good reason NOT to go back”.
"And I don’t have my hydro bill or any bill”
Who the fuck goes on bloody vacation with their bills?
That’s what we’re running from.

“We need to see that you have some ties to Canada”.
“Here is my business card”.
"Your address is not on it”.
“No, my phone number is”.
“Why not your address”?
“Because I don’t want someone to kick in my back door and steal thousands of dollars worth of computers that belong to my customers”.

“I’m hungry, are we done yet”.

Guard looks at the kid then at me and says that next time to bring something to prove I have ties to Canada and will not stay there.
I told him I will bring him all my bills if he bloody wants.
He could pay them too.

I pay for a six-month visa and they handed us back our papers and out the door we went.
As we crossed the space between the two sets of doors the five year old looked at me and grinned.
“I farted”.

Have a nice day

Walker

12 comments:

Real Me said...

I am still laughing the idea of them asking you for bills. Heh. Still, Congrats! Now, you can legally enter the States.

BikerCandy said...

You made it!!!!!! It's been a long time coming but Welcome to the U S of A!

Boxer said...

Yay!!!!!!!! Welcome back to the USA Walker.I loved this and that boy of Inia's is brilliant.

I hope you all have a wonderful time.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the USofA I had no problem entering Ireland but had a problem re-entering security iin US because of a hip replacement setting off security....even tho I had certification from my MD. Hope your vacation is great. Phyllis

Shana said...

That boy is priceless!!!!!!!!!!

Peter said...

I farted too when I read that!!!!

Cece said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the saying, "Make a run for the boarder. "

itisi said...

Ha! Ha! Ha!
I can imagine you saying those things when you were five!
And you probably STILL grin when you fart! LOL

gab said...

yep my grandson's would have farted too. lol and WHAT you were here in america and didnt come see me? awwwwwwwww. Ive a new post if you care to visit

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sounds like a pretty typical five-year-old. Anyway, congratulations at finally making it over the border. Maybe you've finally outrun your "seedy" past. Well done!

awareness said...

OMF I wish I had been there. What a hilarious scene Walker! Sorry it's been a while since I visited your blog. Life tossed me off the blog freeway for a while. I continued writing, but didn't visit.
I can't wait to read more about your travels.

Bring it on.

Just telling it like it is said...

Seems like I have heard all of that before...Nipple flash