blue moon (2)

Friday, April 30, 2010

Shit Logic ©

If logic is the right thing, why is it wrong most times?

For example, the doctor wants me to eat more fiber so that I could be more regular.
How the fuck does he know if I am regular or not?
What, with his one shot at sticking his finger up my ass once a year he knows I need more fiber by poking at my prostate?
Is there a piece of shit stuck to it or something so he knows I haven’t been eating enough fiber?

Logic would tell me to tear that little red hose you get with a can of 10Wd40 and put it on a can of PAM then spray some on the prostate to make it into a none stick asshole but no.
My doctor wants me to eat more fiber.

So I go out and buy a box of All Brain.
Have you ever tried it?
The shit tastes like dirt.
So I added some milk to it hoping it will blossom into something that tastes like Frosted Flakes, it tasted like mushy dirt instead.
Who the fuck eats this shit?

OH, and it gives you gas.
That’s why you’re regular.
After eating a bowl of bran, it starts fermenting, creating shithouse gasses inside your gut until there is no more stretch left to your belly and it erupts from the weakest link along the digestive tract, your ass, causing a rush of toxic air so powerful it makes your ass cheeks shudder in thunderous protest.

This could be a catastrophe in an elevator.
Not so much in the tub, might even be a little pleasant.

After a week I couldn’t take it any more and went out for an easier way to get fiber in me.
I went to the pharmacy and asked my favorite drug dealer for advice and he suggested the stuff you stir into water or a drink then just drink it.
Fuck that sounded a lot better than what I was having to ingest so I bought a jumbo container of the stuff then went home.

In the kitchen I grab a glass, filling it with cold water then opened the container of instant fiber and stirred two spoonfuls of it in.
I stirred and stirred but the stuff wouldn’t dissolve.
Coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to no matter how hard I tried, I took a sip then gagged.
OMG, it tasted like wet dirt to and I bought the jumbo container.
Not only did it taste like bran it was even worse in the gas department.
If bran was gasoline then this shit was rocket fuel.
Do you know how dangerous that was in the winter?
I never knew when I would be propelled aimlesslyoff down the sidewalk.
I never finished the container.
In fact I flushed half of it down the toilet; what the hell, that’s where it was bound for anyway.

So I sparked a joint and thought about this whole fiber thing logically.
I mean there had to be a simpler way of getting a lot of fiber in you without having to eat a barn full of hay and then it came to me.
I mean it was right there.
Eat more steak.

Fuck, a cow eats a shit lode of bran, I’ll eat the fucken cow, barbequed with oregano and garlic, with a squirt of lemon after.

Try to barbeque bran.
It all falls between the grill and into the coals but steak, mmmmmm sniff can you smell it?
You try to smell bran that way the shit will fly up your nose and clog what’s left of your brain.

Logically if you eat the critter that eats the most fiber you should get fiber transfer and enjoy eating it instead of gagging and vaporizing your skivvies later.
For a month I was in heaven.
I knew I had screwed up somewhere because this was to good to be good for you and it was as I found out later

You see in all equations you have to take everything into consideration and I forgot one important factor.
My logic was sound up to a point and then it all went down the toilet.
Well not so much toilet as to farmer’s field.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah the fiber comes out the other end other cow and what I gets is the grizzle left behind, literally THE behind at today’s prices.
The only way you’re getting fiber from a cow is if it shit foot or you start eating its turds and I am not going to do that……….well, unless there’re magic mushrooms growing on it but it wouldn’t matter because I won’t remember eating shit the next day.

I may remember it forty years later while sitting on the toilet after eating a bowl of Texas chili as it flashed before my eyes.
Wow, cool shit.
A lot of things flash in my head after a bowl of Texas chili.

Took about three months for the cholesterol to get back to normal but ah, what a summer that was.
Tofu sucks worse that rotten tripe.

Logic is only as good as the equation allows it to be.
So logically if I smoke another joint everything will be fine
I got to get a cow for a pet…….

Have a nice weekend



itisi said...

Eat granola mixed with wheat germ
if you want more fiber.
Or maybe a raisin bran muffin. They don't taste too bad.
But if you just have trouble taking a poop, peanuts and beer will fix that! :)

BlazngScarlet said...

That must be some really good weed.
Where can I get some?!

Monogram Queen said...

Ugh I feel ya - have you tried the bran capsules you just swallow with water? No taste. IDK about the gas though.

Puss-in-Boots said...

After rolling around on the floor with laughter...I have one question.

Don't you eat fruit and vegetables??? They have all the fibre you need (and want) without the devastating after effects of bran. (Can't stand the stuff myself). Fruit and green veg, Walker, that's all it takes and drink plenty of water...much nicer and a lot easier. But then if you hadn't tried the bran, we wouldn't have had this hilarious post.

Good luck with it all...

Just telling it like it is said...

I say take fiber pills that is what I would do...and smoke more weed!!

Boxer said...

bwahahahhahaha, I take the fiber and the weed.

Just Telling is right, take the fiber pills but make sure you drink a TON of water.

As for your prostate.... my Father ignored his and it spread to his bones/lung. It's something that ALL men need to be aware of check for. Getting older sucks, but getting older and being sick?

REALLY sucks.


Peter said...

Don't let 'em fool ya Walker... its NOT getting older that really sucks!!!