Flickin My Bic ©

Saturday morning the phone rang at 10 am, it was my mother; she wanted to know if I was going to church that night.
In a groggy voice I said, “No”.
In a clear voice she said yes.
Nope nada not going to happen.
She said I am going with the whole family to the resurrection and that’s all there was to it, called me a heathen, then hung up.
If anyone spoke to me like that they would be getting more grief than they ever dreamed of but my mother knows she can get away with it.

I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling thinking how nice it would be to sleep another four more hours but, sigh, once I wake up I can’t sleep again especially if I have a couple of hour in me already.
I wish I had someone with me to.
The resurrection might be at midnight but the erection was here right now.

I crawl out of bed and go for a shower.
I’m not a morning person and detest light in the morning.
My bedroom is in constant darkness and I like it that way.
I can go into my bedroom at any time of the day and it will be pitch black so I could sleep and wouldn’t know what time of day it was outside without me looking at the clock.

After my shower I sat on t he couch and turned on the TV and sat there thinking what I had to do that day.
Vacuuming, dishes, sweep make my bed, wash the washroom, water the plants……..
I decided to do a little vacuuming instead of wasting away on the couch.
My mother gave me her new upright vacuum; she said she likes her old beat up one better because it goes under beds.

My Filter Queen croaked a couple of months ago so this was better than nothing so I thanked her and brought it home.
These egg beater upright vacs are OK but I like the canister ones because the go almost every where and when something hard like a coin gets sucked up it bangs around destroying the machine.

I’m vacuuming the hallway upstairs and Frick is bouncing in and around the vacuum.
He is scared by it but likes hanging around me so dodges around every room as I go in to vacuum and sits on the beds watching until I go to the next room.
I’m vacuuming the hallway when Frick takes off like a rocket as if he was chasing something then pouncing on the carpet.
This went on for about fifteen feet when I stopped vacuuming to go see what the little fucker was up to.

I shove him over with my foot and look down but can’t really see anything so I bend down and look at the spot and I still couldn’t see anything but the carpet being a little frayed.
Looking past the spot and up the hallway towards the vacuum I realized what the cat was chasing and stood up then followed a run in the carpet all the way to the vacuum.
The vacuum brush grabbed a piece of thread and, well I now have a white partition going down the center of my red carpet.
Hmmm, do you think my mother knew about this?

Thoroughly pissed now that I messed up the carpet, I chucked the vacuum in the hallway closet and called Mike up to ask him if he wanted to go to the place I buy my plants.
He said he wanted a few plants in his new place to give it a little life.
I wanted to get the fuck out of here before something else happened and besides I have been getting a little stir crazy also.
Mike said yes and he would be down in about an hour, which gave me plenty of time to finish coloring the carpet with my Crayola crayons.

The place I get most of my plants and supplies from was having a sale today.
Everything old was half price plus 5% off.
We walked in and Mike was lost with the size and assortment of it all.
I pointed him off in a direction and told him to have a good look around then I took off to see what I wanted to see which was the section I look at but don’t buy from.

I love plants as a hobby but I am not nuts either.
They have plants that sell for over 300 bucks but looking never hurt and I have also found out that sometimes the need to get rid of things to bring in new stock, as was the case for this big sale.

There are a couple of weird plants I have been wanting for my collection, I like getting what most people don’t have at home.
In the back I found one of them, a large Jade plant that used to be fore 80 and was now for 20 so I grabbed that and then I went to where another one I lied was but someone had already grabbed it.
Oh well something is better than nothing I guess and I had been looking at the Jade plant for two years and now I had it.
I parked my cart and went to look for some decorative stones that I used for my cactus plants then back to my cart and put them in next to the Jade………..where’s my plant?

Now THAT is unethical, grabbing something out of my cart so I went off looking for the culprit.
I grabbed a spray bottle along the way.
About two aisles down I spot a c art with my Jade plant in it.
I look around and didn’t see anyone, so I took it out of that cart and put it back into mine and scooted off to find Mike before I got into a fist a cuffs over and plant.

I found Mike running around the store and called to him.
He was walking towards me nodding his head.
He said someone stole a plant he found out of his cart.
I told him someone stole one from mine to but I found it and stole it back.
He walked up to my cart and looked in and said that MY jade plant was like the one that was stolen from him.
Hmmmm………………...

After ten minutes I brought him to where they had tall plants, he said he wanted something big for a corner.
We found a 6 ft cinnamon tree that he liked so we grabbed that and also one of those wall crawlers her liked.
It took him a fucken hour to find a damn pot for the tree.

When we had everything we needed, including four large bags of dirt for my father, we went to the cash and out to the car and stood there staring at it.
We had a 6 ft tree and a Volkswagen Jetta to get it in.
On top of that I had the jade plant, which branches out 2 feet around that is heavy and fragile.

We had to put the potted roots of the tree in first and then bend the rest to get it in.
The whole time we held our breaths listening for the sound of cracking branches but none came.
Then we loaded the bags in the truck and I sat in the front with the Jade plant in my lap.
The thing was so big Mike couldn’t see the side view mirror so I had to lay back.
It took us twice as long as it would normally take to get us home but we managed to get back to my place without breaking my plant into a dozen smaller ones.
After unloading Mike took off and I got my father to get his bags of dirt and I went in to put everything away so that I could get ready for church.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of midnight mass Greek style, it starts at 6 pm and finishes at about 2 am.
If it starts at 6 pm why do they call it Midnight Mass?
If they started at 6 pm and served booze then called it Happy Hour Mass instead, by midnight the place would be ROCKIN!!!!

After setting up my plant in its new spot I went next door to see my parents and get the exact time we were leaving, I know it wasn’t 6 pm because we have never gone that early.
Tonight it was supposed to be my brother, niece, mother father and yours truly going together then meeting up with my mother’s brother and four of them.
I found my mother and father sitting in the kitchen watching TV.
The kitchen table was covered in various Easter cookies and a bunch of 2 foot candles that we use in church.

So I asked my mother when we were going to church.
She said they weren’t going because they were tired and still had work to do.
I figured “Great” I’m off the hook.

NOT!

It seems that someone HAS to go have the candles lit and to bring home the flame.
At midnight for the resurrection the priest lights someone’s candle at the front of the church and the flames is passed from person to person, candle to candle all through the church and outside to the usually large crowd out there because the church is filed to capacity.
The candles are lit at midnight and the service continues for another two hours after for those who wish to stay, that why you need long candles.

I told her my brother could get the candles lit and bring home a light.
Well it seems my brother couldn’t go because that’s a little too late for my niece and he could leave her alone.
I told her my uncle can get her a flame but she said he wasn’t going either because his car was broken.
Great, the only one going to church is the one that doesn’t believe in God.

Did I mention that I was starving?
OH yeah, I wasn’t allowed to eat anything.
Well that’s not true.
I could eat halva which is a sesame paste made to look like rotting cheese with green boogers frozen in t he center of it.
For three days I can’t eat this, I can’t eat that so right about now I was ready to eat my left arm but that’s not allowed either.

I showered and got my church clothes ready then went and picked out my CD.
It’s an Easter tradition for me that started by accident and I have kept it going since that Easter in 81.
The clock on the wall said 10 pm so I got ready and slipped the CD in my pant pocket and put on my jacket and looked in the mirror.
Hmmmm

Tossing the jacket on the bed I went downstairs and pulled my black leather jacket out of the closet and put that on instead then went next door to get the car keys.
When I got next door my mother was sleeping, as was my niece.
MY BROTHER was out somewhere.

My father passed me over an armful of candles and some money to buy more to light at the church.
I go out to the car and start off for the church.
This morning there was an army of Christians preparing for a pilgrimage and now, a lone starving Heathen drives off into the night.
Who the fuck wrote this script?

To Be Continued……..

Have a nice day

Walker