blue moon (2)

Thursday, November 08, 2007

A Bit Of The Past And Present ©

Last night I took a break and sat down to watch some TV for a change of pace and indulged myself with a beer.
I’m not much of a big drinker anymore unless I am out with the boys and we know it’s going to be a party.

I was sitting here the other day with Mike and we were remembering some of the parties I’ve had over the years.
I think the biggest one was with sixty people on one New Years Eve.
Most were with the boys and their old ladies, none of us had kids back then so we were free to party all night long sometimes for days.
The music was always blaring and everyone was getting drunk and dancing in the living room.

Most of the guys would be in the kitchen scoffing down food and beer, talking, and laughing at some of the fuck ups over the year.
Everyone had a story to contribute to the informal meeting, some many.

The women would be running back and forth from the dance floor to grab their old men and drag them off kicking and screaming for a dance every now and again.

The booze flowed like a river and the smoke was so thick in the air you didn’t need to smoke to get high.
Just breathe.

Most were wild, some were crazy wild like in 1984 or 85 when about ten of us had gathered to watch the Super Bowl one Sunday.
There was a knock at the door and when I answered it there was a couple of cops standing there.
They said they were looking for someone and had received a tip that he was here and wanted to come in and look for him.

Yeah well in 1985 I wanted to squeeze Dolly Pardon’s tits and make her nose twitch but that was going to happen as much as I was going to let the cops march into my house without a warrant to take out a friend without a fight.
Besides, the rules for the party stated that you had to bring beer and the cops didn’t bring any so end of story.
When they got a little pushy at the door 3-4 of the guys came over to back me up and the cops decided it was a good thing to back up and leave.

When they left we laughed and opened up some more beer and lit a couple of joints to celebrate.
Thirty minutes later the doorbell rang and when I opened it there was an army of cops outside.
But they still didn’t have any beer.

By this time they pretty much knew who was in the house and the sergeant didn’t want a battle so we negotiated a prisoner exchange.
After the football game of course.
After the game buddy stumbled out the front door to an awaiting crowd of police and spectators looking down on them from the top of the porch calling out “ I hear yeah looking for me”, Well here I am” and walked down the stairs with a smoke dangling from the side of his grinning mouth.

His girlfriend had called the cops on him because he didn’t give her money to buy cocaine and one thing led to another and he smacked her.
Two hours after he surrendered himself he was back because she refused to press charges.

That was a long time ago.

He died about 5 years ago at the age of 42 from a brain tumour; she died 18 years ago of a drug over dose.
They left a son behind.

I have dozens of such stories I could tell you about.
A mother turning to drugs and prostitution to feed her kid only to end up dead in the trunk of a car.
A 13 year old with track marks that are at least 3 years old.
A friend jumping out of a tree at the park where kids play with a rope tied around his neck

I have seen a lot and done a lot.
I have done things that I chose to do as did all those people above.
No one can force you to do what you don’t want too; even if they have a gun to your head you still have a choice.

Someone came to me to be consoled because one of their friends had died of an overdose but I wasn’t to consoling when it was towards their dead friend.
I know the friend’s death must be hard to deal with but I don’t really feel sorry for the friend because they did it to themselves.
I feel sorry for the family of the person who have to live with all of this.

When I was on drugs, I didn’t give a shit about nothing but the drugs.
Junkies are selfish and only think of themselves and their dealer, not their friends and families otherwise they wouldn’t be selling their soul for more.

I feel sorry for the kids that are left behind because their parents killed themselves on drugs instead of getting their life together for them.

I am sorry people have to die but when it’s preventable and that person doesn’t give a fuck if they live or die, then why should I grieve for their demise when all they have done is create a lot of pain and angst for the people that loved them the most.

I have helped many people who gave up drugs with money, food, clothes and furniture.
I gave buddy’s girlfriend twenty bucks so she could buy some food and a pair of red boots because she was wearing shoes in two feet of snow.
It was that twenty bucks she used to buy the cocaine that killed her.

Every junkie out there has the power within them to get out if they so choose and there are avenues to help them if the go out there and ask for help.
They have to see the benefits of quitting.
Salvation is in the eyes of their children.

So if I sound like a cold hearted fucker to some people, then so be it; I guess I am but don’t ask me to feel sorry for someone who purposely kills themselves for their own selfish desires and doesn’t try to get out of the predicament they are in.
Ones actions speak for themselves.

Have a nice day



Anonymous Boxer said...

with a family that has been sober for two years and a raging addict for 20, I can't agree with you more.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: I think people who genuinly want to get it together and come looking for help then we should help them but is they wish to continue along the path theyhave chosen then we shouldn't have to pity them for what happens when they know what the consequences might be.

There are alot of people who have gotten it together to get ahead of all the BS, they need our praise for their courage

Teresa said...

Wow. What a post. I can't say that I know anything about this...thank goodness, but I am so glad that you got yourself clean. What would life be without our Walker?? Take care of you.

Peter said...

You're right Walker, (as usual) people who won't help themselves are the first to want help from others.... they just don't deserve help unless they are trying.

Anonymous said...

I agree. I dont have any experience with addicts..but we can only help those who help themselves. Well written!

Walker said...

Teresa: It's a shame that anyone has to know about this kind of stuff but this is the society we now live in.
I am happy I have nothing to do with what I was into back then.

Walker said...

Peter: That's just it, saying you want to quit is not enough unless you actually do it and then we can help.
An effort has to be shown not wished.

Walker said...

JYankee: If we put the neccessary avenues out there for them to find and take advantage that's all we can do.

Gypsy said...

People need to want to help themselves before anything is going to happen - this is true of anything, not just drugs. I'm so happy you got out of that world Walker especially after that attempted murder incident. I am still trying to get over that one.

You are not cold hearted at all, in fact, you are one of the kindest people I know but you also know when to be firm with people for their own good.

Great post btw. It makes me shudder when I think of some of the harsher things you've seen. It's a wonder you're not a bitter and twisted man after witnessing some of life's less spectacular events.

Walker said...

Gypsy: Life is what you make it.
I have seem to many parents bury their kids and then beat themselves up because they think they failed them when in actual fact their kids failed their parents and the others they leave behind.
Thei bury my cousin today and I feel sorry for my uncle, aunt and his brother but I can;t shed a tear for him.

He laughed at us when we quit and mocked us when we refused to do crack with him like we used to 20 years ago.

The hardest part in all of this is watching people who are younger than you dieing all around you and you wonder why you are still alive.

patti_cake said...

Well said, Walker. Very well said. I feel sorry for the innocent children and for the families that love these people.

nachtwache said...

Walker, you're right on. Unless a person wants to change, wants help, nothing can help them. They do hurt themselves and anyone that loves them. I find too, that I don't feel sorry for the addict, but for their family and sad about a life wasted. I know firsthand the grief of watching ones child sink into drugs. Thankfully he's out of that now, but there's some lasting consequences from it.

Walker said...

patti_cake: I have seen the lost eyes looking for someone they will never see again

Walker said...

nachtwache : in time it gets better. He is young and with alot of life ahead of him to learn, that's the important thing.
You help those that help themselves

Blazngfyre said...

Like you Walker, I stopped and got myself clean.
When I think back to those days, I don't even recognize that girl/woman thatI was.
I am nothing like her. Not anymore.

I can't change who I was, but I made damn sure I changed who I became.

Dotm said...

A teenage girl whose family used to live on my road was talking on the corner with my youngest son around supper time and the next morning they found her dead from some bad drugs. She had bought them from another kid in her high School class. Such a waste of a young life. If only she had told my son she had it, we might have contacted her parents and maybe saved her life. But, I guess if they are going to do it, she would probably just bought some more at school the next day. The kid, another teenager was arrested at school the next day and they found lots more in his locker. Thank goodness they found it before others got ahold of it. I forgot what they said was mixed in with the dope. It was over 20 years ago, But I never forgot. Such a pretty, well liked , talented girl-- what a terrible loss of young life leaving a large family behind to miss her. A kid too young to believe the dangers.

BikerCandy said...

Great post Walker and I couldn't agree more. I, have been there done that as the saying goes and it is my opinion that a person has to quit on their own. My personal drug of choice was Meth and believe me...I was into it. It took looking at my very young babies and realizing I was killing myself and I didn't want to leave them as orphans. Unfortunately so many people don't look around them and see the people they are hurting until it's too late and they are dead.

I am so thankful (everyday) that I was able to pull myself out of that abyss and get my act together.

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: I see how I was and who i was and can;t believe i did sopme of the stuff I did.
I do my best to block out some of those images but some just cant be stopped.
I do my best to dwell on the present and ignore the past

Walker said...

Dotm: Young people don't thionk that they are in trouble until it's to late.
It's to bad, so many young people have been lost to drugs

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I have never tried meth but it cant be to far from crack what was my drug of choice.
ZI think what is important is that we saw a way to get out before things became somethung fatal