blue moon (2)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Passing Gas ©

Three pounds six ounces….hmmmm kinda heavy.
Now if I don’t wear the jeans and wear the shorts it would be only a pound.
The shoes I could take off so that’s ok and the socks only weigh an ounce.

Oh hi, I’m just getting ready to go to the doctor’s office.
This is the ritual I go through every year and so do many of the other patients that go to my doctor’s office.
It’s not something that he wants us to do but you have no choice.
You see my doctor’s scales are WRONG!!!!
Sure, I know you’re laughing at me right now and think I’m nuts but I’m telling you they are and it’s not only me that says that.
Fuck, I bust my butt loosing weight and I go there and I gain according to him so every year I cut back on clothes to make up the difference.
All pockets have to be empty.
NO CHANGE, five quarters weigh almost an ounce and 28 paper bills weigh an ounce to.
I’ll leave my wallet and cell phone in the car so there is almost another pound.

Yup it all adds up.
I found that out when my ex dragged me to weight watchers.
I didn’t want to go; I was a happy fat person but NOOOOO it was supposed to be fun.
No chocolate, that’s fun
No candy, beer, chicken wings……….. I was walking out the door when they said no chicken wings but they dragged me back in.


Now the ex was adamant about us staying so I agreed, what do I care she was paying for it with my credit card so it’s not like it was my money right?
Now they wanted to weigh us, so while I was waiting my turn I started emptying my pockets when it suddenly dawned on me, WHY?
So I put everything back and I had a good 5 pounds of keys alone.
They weigh me and then we leave.
We had to go to a meeting every week and once a month they weighed us.
For 3 weeks I heard people say, “I don’t know why I got so big”
Hand waving in the air “Because we are gluttons and LOVE bad food”
Just a guess.

3 weeks of this I went through before we could weigh ourselves.
Weigh day, she gets on the scales…..she lost 2 pounds.
That’s great, any weight loss is a win.
Now remember I didn’t want to go.
My ex walks 10 kms at least a day with her job as a letter carrier and we were eating better and she lost 2 pounds.
Now I haven’t done anything but cook what she wants me to make or what ever is in the WW cookbook she bought so I figure unless I cut off one off my legs before the weigh in I’m screwed.

NOW before I left the house I made sure I was wearing the lightest clothes I had and not the jeans like last time when they weighed me.
Then I emptied my pockets and I put what I needed in my waist pouch, which I took off when I went to be weighed.

I got on the scale and they looked at it, wrote it down and thanked me.
They compared it to my previous weight and asked me to get back on the scales again.
They looked at it and yes it was right.
The EX came over to see what they were all looking at and was there when they said I lost 22 pounds in a month.
Well let me tell you.
You have never seen a more pissed off French woman in your life.

What do you mean he lost 22 pounds?
He doesn’t to anything.
He doesn’t exercise
He drinks beer and eats chicken wings.
“Well dear maybe next time it will be you”.
Next time, there will be no next time.
We went out the door and never looked back.
“But I was showing so much promise”.
Yeah right, you cheated; I know you figured a way to cheat.
“Who me”? 25
We went straight for a bottle of wine and chicken wings.

But back to my doctor, his scales are always over by about six pounds and he never listens to reason from anyone so I am making sure to go as light as possible.
Once I am at his office his sister who is also the receptionist takes me in the back to the washroom to weigh me.
Now before I left the house I weighed myself and it said 249 pounds.
The scale next door and the one at my aunts said pretty much the same thing give or take a pound.
The doctor’s scale says 259 pounds.
Huh, COME ON!!!!!!
Last year it was only 6 pounds off!!!!!
I could hear the groans coming from the waiting room.
Then she gives me a bottle for a urine sample.
I take it, smile at her and close the door and lock it.
There now no one could see me.
I turn around to face away from the door and there is this huge window in this small washroom and there is no blind
Or curtain.
So I turn toward the door again and stand there trying to pee in the bottle but in the back of my head I am thinking someone’s going to walk though the door.
Filling as much as I think he might want…. well they never tell you if they want a lot or a little…. I close it and go give it her to test.
She put me in this room to wait for him.
I’m getting my annual ass poke today to.
Yeah you ladies have it worse but I don’t like being poked either.
Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten chili last night.

I hate sitting in this room by myself for to long.
I get sicker being in here.
He has these posters on the wall and pamphlets everywhere for medicines to treat various diseases and conditions.
Usually by the time he gets to the room I have an epidemic.
Today as I was sitting there reading a pamphlet on the prostate when he walks in wearing yellow Playtex gloves and is holding a long white bristled brush.
Oh yeah, this is what I want to see on ass poke day.
”Hey doc, what’s with the gloves, you cutting back on the surgical gloves and just reusing those”?
He tells me he was just cleaning some containers.

Then I get on his case about the scales.
I tell him they are off by 10 pounds.
He says wow you lost 40 pounds.
I say no I lost 50 pounds your scales just put ten of it back.
He’s laughing at me.
I explained to him that everywhere but here I way the same.
He laughs again and says he had them checked.
Yeah right, probably by some demented skinny fucker.
I want to see him bring his wife in and weigh her and see how he likes the slap upside the head she’d give him after he told her, her weight.

We talked for a while and he checked me out and then we got to the disappearing hand test but then he said he wanted me to do another test first.
I had to come back next month for my ass poke.
So in two weeks I have to get my blood tests and then you know.
I walked into the waiting room and my father went in.
Oh, I didn’t tell you I booked his appointment to so I didn’t have to drive him back on another day.
I sat there for half an hour until he came out and we left.
All of a sudden I started to laugh.
He stopped, turned around and asked me what was funny.
I told him nothing.
He said something along the lines I was insane and turned and walked away.
I followed behind him laughing at the neat round greasy spot on the seat of his pants.

Have a nice day



oopseedaisee said...

Walker this was too funny. We all hate these awkward examinations. Making fun of them is the only way to deal with them.
As for your last post.... We will never make everyone happy. Thousands of people put their hearts into something special. The few who chose to critisize, are the one that loose the meaning of 'Love thy neighbour as thy self". This was a task done out of love for humanity on the whole. An example of how we care about those we dont even know, simply beacause we are all family on this small planet.

Anonymous said...

Big Hugs and Thank you's! From BC.

lynilu said...

Well, I understand the angst about the scales! My doctor's scales are 14 or 15 heavier than mine!! I adjusted mine up as far as possible to make it match, but it would move only 8 pounds. My daughter noticed and adjusted them back down, to which I screamed, "NO!! I need them to be true!" She looked at me as if I had lost my mind and said that her scales match mine (at 0, where they should be) and it is within 2-3 pounds of her doctor's scales. Sighhh. OK, I'll take it. I like weighing 15 pounds less than the doc says!!

Walker said...

oopseedaisee: When you see me trying to be funny it only means my ass in on the line LOL
Yeah I like making light of things that are serious biut the test is important.

As for the previous post I think you did a great I think everyone did a great job.

Walker said...

Anonymous : You are welcome unknown stranger from BC. :D

Walker said...

lynilu: Well 10 pound is bad but 15 well gezz.
You work hard to loose it and gain in in a day with a visit tot he doctor.
Next time I am bringing my own LOL

jules said...

You shoulda had the nurse re-weigh you after you peed. And I kinda agree with your father's assessment that you might be insane. But I sorta like that in a man.

Miss Cellania said...

Congratulations on losing 50 pounds! But it takes real guts to tell your weight in public. This is a great post.

Nan said...

Wow, losing 50 pounds is awesome. good job.
and BAD Walker for laughing at your dad, BAD!

hellbunny said...

OMG your poor dad.I'd of died laughing

Sarah said...

You must have done WW like a million years ago, because it's not at all like that now.